Learning To Love With A Broken Heart
by Detective Olivia Stabler
Summary: Olivia has just lost the man she planned to spend the rest of her life with and is now facing the hardest time of her life. Can Elliot help her get through the pain and learn to love again? EO Romance in the works. There are several flashbacks in this.
1. 1 The End Of Forever

_Learning To Love With A Broken Heart_

_(Chapter One: The End Of Forever)_

Olivia laid on the roof of her apartment staring up at the sky, her black dress a crumpled mass as it fell around her. Her apartment was full of people, people she was not yet ready to face. This was the one place she could come to be alone. Tears streamed down her face as the summer rain started to fall, but she just laid there too tired and weak to move.

Downstairs, Elliot weaved in and out of the room full of friends and strangers. He made sure there was enough food and drink for everyone, then went in search of her. He opened the door to the rooftop, he knew Olivia well enough to know this was where she went when she was trying to escape. He stood in the doorway and watched her for a moment. She didn't move, barely breathed and just laid there staring up into the rain as if searching for answers to the questions she wasn't sure how to ask.

Elliot walked across the rooftop in his two thousand dollar black suit, the only one nice suit he owned. He stood beside her for a moment with his hands in his pockets as he inspected the view of the city from this place. He knew why she came here. This was their place, she and Elliot's. Their get away and with the beautiful view from where he stood it was the closest place to Heaven in the city.

Elliot took a deep breath and laid down beside her, not saying a word. Her hands laid motionlessly out to her sides and her hair sort of fanned out framing her pretty tear stained face. She didn't look at him, she just stared up, in search of something he could not give her. Elliot looked at her for a moment watching closely through the rain to see her tears. Her heart was shattered into a million pieces and she was feeling the worst pain she had ever felt, Elliot had no idea how to fix it. He wanted to take her pain away. To somehow fix everything that had gone wrong and bring him back to her. Anything to mend her broken heart. But it was impossible. What was done, was done. Now no one could ever bring him back. Olivia was going to have to learn to live with out the love of her life.

Elliot stared up into the sliver clouds as the rain fell down around them. They were both completely soaked now, but he didn't care. He wasn't leaving her side, not until he knew she was going to be alright. She couldn't tell him now, but she needed his here. So here he would stay, by her side, doing the best he could to try and comfort her.

Elliot reached beside him as he looked up into the clouds and slipped his hand into hers as it laid limp and almost lifeless. He squeezed it gently and felt her squeeze his. This was her way of letting him know she knew he was here, her small little thank you and all the conversation she had the energy for at the moment.

They laid in that spot, in the rain, holding hands for nearly two hours before she finally turned her head to look at him.

"Hey pretty girl." Elliot said softly as she stared at him with heart ache in her eyes.

"Hey," she replied almost breathlessly as more tears rolled down the side of her face.

Elliot locked his fingers in hers and raised her hand to meet his lips.

"I know it doesn't feel like it now Liv, but you're gonna be okay," he whispered.

"I don't want to be," she sobbed. "I don't want to have to learn to live without him. He is supposed to be here. Right here, beside me. Forever. He promised me that." She raised her hand to wipe the tears from her face and Elliot looked at the large diamond engagement ring, as it sparkled even in the rain.

"He loved you so much. You were his world. He never would have made that promise if he didn't think he was going to be able to keep it."

"But he still isn't here."

"He's here," Elliot said combing his fingers through her hair. "He'll always be here."

She raised up propping herself on her palms with her arms stretched behind her as she looked at Elliot. Her hair was completely rain soaked and tiny droplets of water beaded up on her eyelashes.

"We should get you out of this rain before you get sick," Elliot suggested.

"I don't think I can face all of those people," she said wearily.

"I have an idea," he said tucking a strand wavy wet of hair behind her ear.

Elliot took her by the hand and lead her down the fire escape one floor. He opened a window that lead to the hallway in front of the elevators and helped her to climb inside. They took the elevator to the ground level.

"Wait here," Elliot said softly as he kissed her forehead.

He walked around to the parking lot and pulled his car around then helped her inside. Then they drove.

"Where do you want to go?" He asked looking into her eyes.

"Anywhere. Anywhere, but here."

Elliot nodded. "Have you eaten anything today?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Liv, that isn't what I asked."

"No," she said softly as she stared straight ahead into the city traffic.

Elliot went by a Greek restaurant that she really liked. She waited in the car as he went inside and got them some food. He then drove back to his apartment, where is was quiet and they could be alone.

"I'll get you some dry clothes," he said dropping his soaked suit jacket at the door.

Elliot walked down the hall into his bedroom and got out a tee shirt and a pair of pajama pants with a drawstring. He walked back into the living room and handed her the dry clothes.

"There are fresh towels in the bathroom closet, if you'd like to take a shower and get warmed up."

"Sounds good," she said softly as he bottom lip trembled a little.

"Take your time," Elliot said squeezing her hand. "When you're finished I will make us a plate."

"Okay," she whispered fighting back tears again.

Olivia walked down the hallway and into the bathroom. She laid the dry clothes on the counter and locked the door. She adjusted the water in the shower and pulled a towel and washcloth from the closet. Dropping her wet clothing into a pile in the floor she stepped into the shower pulling the curtain closed behind her.

For what seemed like hours she just stood under the heat of the steamy water, letting it pour over her body. After a while she picked up the washcloth and poured body wash onto it. She smoothed it across her skin hoping to wash away the heaviness of the heartache that had settled inside her. She rinsed off and reached for the shampoo. She smiled a little as she noticed the bottle of Mr. Bubble, bubble bath sitting in the corner. Elliot must have had the kids over the weekend. She picked up a bottle of strawberry scented shampoo, obviously belonging to Maureen or one of the other girls and shampooed her hair.

She stepped out and wrapped herself in the soft security of the fluffy white towel. She stood for a moment staring at her reflection in the mirror. She almost didn't even recognize herself. She hadn't eaten or slept in the three days since she had heart the news. The news that would change her life forever. What had started out to be the best day of her life, had quickly turned out to be the worst.

She pressed her lips together and got dressed. She towel dried her hair and smoothed Elliot's comb through it, then headed back into the kitchen where he now stood. She climbed onto the barstool in front of the counter and watched as he pulled the food from the bag and fixed them each a plate.

"Would you like a glass of wine?"

"You have wine?"

"From the last time I fixed you dinner here. But I assure you it is still good."

"I really shouldn't."

"Liv, one glass. It might help you feel better."

"Okay, one glass."

He poured two glasses of her favorite wine and took a seat beside her. She sipped her wine and ate a few bites of her food. Elliot could only imagine what she was feeling right now.

"I can take you back home whenever you're ready. But you are welcome stay here as long as you'd like."

"Thank you," she said softly. "Maybe just tonight."

"Okay," Elliot said holding her hand once more. "The guest room is set up. It is yours as long as you want it. If you need anything else, just let me know."

Olivia nodded slowly.

That night as she slept she whimpered. Elliot stood in the doorway and watched her as she almost cried in her sleep. Not so much having a nightmare, but dreams of the one she had lost.

He stepped into the room and tucked the blanket around her, then kissed her forehead gently.

"It's gonna be okay sweetheart," he said softly. "I am right here beside you. You are not alone."

He took a seat in the floor beside the bed and watched over her as she slept.


	2. 2 Chicken Soup For The Soul

_Learning To Live With A Broken Heart_

_(Chapter Two: Chicken Soup For The Soul)_

**THREE DAYS LATER**

"I wish you wouldn't do this," Olivia mumbled as Elliot pulled the thermometer from her mouth.

"Do what?"

"Make this fuss over me. I'm fine."

"Just as I suspected. You have a fever. Back in bed."

"Elliot, really. It is just a cold."

"Just a cold you got laying out in the rain on the rooftop."

"It isn't a big deal. I can't believe this anyway, I never get sick."

"You haven't been resting or eating right and you are completely run down. Not to mention the stress you have been under lately. All of that stuff effects your immune system. If you take care of this it will pass in a few days."

"Like I said, I am fine." She coughed and sniffled.

"_If _you take care of it. Come on," he said pulling back the blankets on her bed. "You get some rest. I'll run out and get you some medicine and stuff to make you feel better. I don't want you out of this bed."

"Yes, sir." She smiled and climbed back into the bed pulling the blankets up around her.

"I laid your phone on the night stand next to the remote and a bottle of water. I shouldn't be long, I'm just running to the corner store. If you think of anything you need give me a call."

"Thanks, El."

"Hey, that's what friends are for." He winked at her as he stood to walk away.

She smiled and wiped her nose with a tissue then settled into her pillow for some much needed sleep.

**EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO**

_**THREE YEARS EARLIER**_

_**Olivia sat at her desk sifting through a pile of papers.**_

"_**Is Casey here?" She heard a man's voice say from behind her.**_

"_**You just missed her," Olivia said as she spun around in her chair to face him. **_

_**He was Defense Attorney Trevor Langan and Olivia had met him a few times in the halls around the courthouse. He often faced off against Casey and Alex in court and had actually dated Alex briefly at one point in time.**_

"_**I was trying to catch her and give her these files. Well, At least I got to see you." **_

_**Olivia smiled. He was flirting. And it was nice to get attention from a member of the opposite sex, someone other than the guys she worked with.**_

"_**Is there anything else I can help you with?" She asked flashing her best smile and batting her eyelashes at him. Two could play this game.**_

"_**Actually, there is. Do you have a minute to walk me to the elevator? There is something I would like to talk to you about."**_

"_**Sure," she said standing and walking beside him toward the door.**_

"_**Olivia, I know we don't know each other that well. And that is probably my fault. I haven't really taken the time to…" he exhaled. "What I am trying to say is that I was wondering if maybe we could get together sometime? Drinks or dinner or something. Just talk. If you're interested, that is."**_

_**Olivia smiled as she leaned back against the wall and bit her lower lip. He was handsome and successful. Defense Attorney, yes. But Trevor was a Senior Partner at his firm Henshall & Langan. But none of that mattered to Olivia. Casey and Alex had known him for years and had nothing but good things to say about him. Casey had actually suggested to Olivia on more than one occasion that she should set the two of them up. Olivia of course politely declined. She hated the idea of being set up by her friends.**_

_**Olivia took a deep breath and stared into his eyes. Her heart was racing and she knew she would have to be insane to turn down his offer.**_

"_**That sounds nice. What did you have in mind?"**_

"_**Actually, my firm is having it's annual Christmas party tonight. If you aren't too busy and it isn't too short of notice…I would love it if you would do me the honor of accompanying me."**_

_**Olivia smiled again, she could feel herself blushing. "I would love to."**_

"_**Really?"**_

"_**Yes."**_

"_**Okay," he said with a sexy smile. "Dinner and drinks are provided. It is formal, I hope that is okay."**_

"_**I do own a few dresses," she laughed.**_

_**He laughed. "Right. I just…I have only ever seen you like this," he said gesturing to the black slacks and sweater she wore to work most of the time. "I'll pick you up at seven?"**_

"_**Sounds great. Here is my address." She scribbled it on his hand. "I will see you at seven."**_

"_**See you at seven," he repeated as if in a trance as he stepped into the elevator.**_

_**At seven o'clock sharp there was a knock on her door. Olivia opened the door to see Trevor smiling back at her, looking more handsome than ever.**_

"_**Hi," he said handing her a bouquet of roses.**_

"_**Hi," she said with a smile. "Thank you." She showed him into her apartment. "Just let me grab my keys."**_

"_**Great place," he said looking around the apartment. "I love the view." he stood looking out the door at the view from her balcony.**_

"_**Oh, that is nothing. The real view is from the rooftop."**_

"_**This has rooftop access?" **_

"_**Private," she said opening the door to the stairs leading up.**_

"_**Do you mind?" He asked pointing at the staircase.**_

"_**Not at all."**_

_**Olivia followed Trevor up the stairs and out onto the roof.**_

"_**You were right. This is an amazing view."**_

"_**I love it up here. So peaceful. I come here a lot to think. It is quiet and secluded. No interruptions. Just me and the sounds and lights of the city."**_

_**Trevor looked over at her and smiled. Olivia laughed a little embarrassed.**_

"_**We should get going," he said pointing toward the door.**_

"_**Yeah," she replied with a smile and they were on their way.**_

_**That night at a table for two after two hours of meeting and greeting and listening to half a dozen long boring speeches they finally got a moment alone.**_

"_**You are bored out of you mind?" He asked smiling at her.**_

"_**No," Olivia said shaking her head.**_

"_**It's okay, I am too."**_

_**She smiled and laughed.**_

"_**This night would be a total bore if I weren't sitting her with you right now."**_

"_**That is sweet."**_

"_**I try to be honest."**_

_**Olivia laughed.**_

"_**What?" He asked.**_

"_**Nothing. That is just a little amusing coming from a man who makes a living convincing a jury that a of group of pedophiles and rapists are as normal as you and I."**_

"_**It bother's you?"**_

_**She just stared at him for a moment.**_

"_**My work, what I do? It bother's you."**_

"_**Maybe a little."**_

"_**It doesn't mean that I agree with what they have done, Olivia. But everyone, no matter their crime, deserves the best defense they can get. It's a job. Try not to take it personally."**_

"_**I'm sorry."**_

"_**Don't be. I know that sometimes my job makes it harder for you to do your job. But sometimes our work is on the same side. You seek justice for the victim. I seek justice for my clients. It isn't always fair. And there have been many big cases I have won and feel inside like I have lost. I am not always proud of the outcome of a trial. The nights when my client, who happens to be guilty of murdering his wife and child walks free. Or is sentenced to only five years in prison instead of the maximum sentence because of the work I have don't to defend him, I cannot sleep. It eats at you. Enough that many times I have thought of getting out of it. But then a case comes along where someone who truly is innocent is about to go to prison. Or someone committed a crime, but they are not mentally competent to take responsibility for their actions. And I step up for them. I advocate for them, I speak for them and that person gets the treatment they need instead of spending the rest of their life being raped and beaten in prison or put on death row. Those nights, I sleep. Those nights, my job is well worth doing. We have a lot in common, you and me."**_

"_**How do you figure?" She asked taking a sip from her wine glass.**_

"_**We dedicate our lives to helping others. Fighting other people's demons. Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Sometimes winning is really losing." **_

"_**I don't think I have ever met anyone else who understood that," she said. "People look at my work and they assume that it is all so clear. We catch the bad guy and we put him away. That it is all black and white. But it isn't that way at all. Infact the entire thing is one big gray area."**_

"_**I know what you mean."**_

_**Olivia smiled as her eyes scanned the room.**_

"_**Let's talk about something else," Trevor suggested.**_

_**She took a deep breath and another drink of wine. **_

"_**You know I have been wanting to ask you out for a while now."**_

"_**Why didn't you?" She asked. Now the conversation was starting to get interesting again.**_

"_**Shy, I guess. I talked to Casey about you on numerous occasions."**_

"_**Oh yeah?"**_

"_**All good stuff. We actually had a deal. About tonight. We had a case, I was defending a guy she was trying to put away. If she won, I asked you out myself. If I won, she was going to talk to you for me."**_

"_**I take it she won?"**_

"_**Can you keep a secret?"**_

"_**Yes," she replied leaning closer to him.**_

"_**I didn't fight that one as hard as I could have."**_

_**Olivia's eyes widened at his confession. "That is illegal. You blew a case for a chance at a date with me?"**_

"_**Not exactly. I mean, talking to you was one of the many benefits. But knowing that man was behind bars where he needed to be was the only way I was going to be able to sleep tonight."**_

_**Olivia pressed her lips together and leaned back in her chair unsure of how she felt about this. "What did he do?"**_

"_**Like I said, I cannot always be proud of the outcome of a trial. I could have won that case, but a murder would have walked free. A cold blooded killer."**_

"_**The man who killed his wife and child?"**_

"_**Yes. He was having an affair. Needed to be rid of the wife. If he got a divorce, he would have lost his fortune. So he staged a break in and beat her and shot her."**_

"_**Oh my God."**_

"_**The little girl, too. As he was telling me this and I was fighting back tears. He said that his little two year old daughter was crying after watching him kill her mother. He screamed at her to shut up, but she kept crying. So he raised the gun and shot her. I couldn't let that creep walk."**_

"_**You did the right thing," she said softly.**_

"_**What I did could cost me my career. I broke my oath." **_

"_**You brought justice to two victims who wouldn't have seen it otherwise."**_

"_**Well, it got to me. It isn't supposed to, but it got to me. This morning I turned in the request for some time off. Just a little break. A couple of weeks. Just until I get it out of my head. No one knows what I did. Not even Casey."**_

"_**So why tell me?"**_

"_**I feel like I can trust you."**_

"_**You barely know me."**_

"_**I know." Trevor reached across the table and took her hands in his. He stared into her eyes for a moment, then leaned forward to kiss her lips**_

_**Olivia smiled. It was a perfect first kiss, she thought to herself.**_

"_**Would you like to dance?" He asked.**_

"_**I would love to."**_

_**Trevor stood and escorted her to the dance floor where they held tight to each other for the next hour. Olivia leaned her head against his shoulder as he held her so close she could feel his heart beating. **_

**EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO**

It had been just over two hours since Elliot had returned from the store. He carried a tray of soup and hot water for tea down the hall toward Olivia's bedroom. He pushed the door open slowly and sat the tray on the night stand beside the bed.

"Olivia, wake up. I brought you some soup," he said softly.

She took a deep breath and opened her eyes, pulling her from the dream she was not sure she wanted to wake from. She moaned softly and sat up in the bed to look at Elliot.

"I got you some cold medicine and hot tea and soup."

"Elliot, I hate chicken soup."

"Well, I made this special."

"You made it?"

"Yup. I didn't figure I would get you to eat anything from a can. Chicken, egg noodles and a few carrots. No celery. I know you hate celery."

Olivia smiled. "Thank you."

"Here," he said handing her the thermometer.

Olivia took it, placing it into her mouth. A few seconds later it beeped.

"I got some medicine that should help with that fever." He opened the box and handed her two yellow pills and a bottle of water. "Now you should eat something," he said handing her the tray.

"Okay, okay." She picked up the bowl and took a couple bites of the soup, sitting the pills down on the tray. "This is really good, El."

"And I brought those little oyster crackers you like."

Olivia laughed. "You take such good care of me."

Elliot kissed her forehead. "It is my job to take care of you."

"I was having a dream."

"A nice dream?"

She looked at him over her soup bowl. "Trevor was in it."

"That will probably happen for a while, Liv."

"It was more like a memory than a dream, really. Our first date. The Christmas party for his work. Three years ago. He looked so nice."

Elliot reached up and combed his fingers through her hair. "I rented you a couple of movies while I was out. They had that new Thriller you wanted to see. And I picked up a couple of magazines. Thought I would give you something to do so you don't get bored while you are stuck in bed."

"I don't know if I can do this," she said softly sitting the tray aside and walking across the room to look at herself in the dresser mirror.

"It will take a little while for you to start to get through it. But you will. Things will never be the same without him, Olivia. He was a good man and he will be greatly missed. But you will move on. It just takes a little time."

She pressed her lips together and turned to look at him as she began to cry again. She leaned back against the dresser and wiped a tear from her cheek. "I am so scared, Elliot. I never thought I would be in this position."

"Honey, none of us thought you would. I figured in three weeks Trevor would give you the wedding of your dreams and you would live happily ever after together. Have a couple of babies and a house. Maybe a dog."

"A dog?"

"My point is, I thought he would be the one to make all of your dreams come true. So did he. Or he never would have made that promise. How could have anyone have known that some psycho out on parole for good behavior would shoot him on the courthouse steps?"

"He closed that case just before he asked me out. We talked about it that night. He could have won it. He could have gotten the man off, clear. But he couldn't do it. He let Casey take it. And they put that man away. Three years ago. He should have never been released."

"Prisons are over crowded. They let him out on good behavior, gave him an ankle bracelet and four days later he murders someone else."

She sniffled again.

"Liv, You should take that medicine. It will help kick this cold."

"I can't."

"Don't be stubborn." She just stared at him and rubbed her hand over her face. "Why not?" Elliot asked.

"Because, I'm pregnant." The room was quiet for a moment as Olivia moved to look out the bedroom window. "Babies and a house and a dog… who would have thought I would have it on my own?"

Elliot raised his hand to squeeze her shoulder. "Are you sure?"

"I found out that morning. I haven't told anyone yet. I was waiting until that night to tell Trevor."

"He would have been so excited."

Olivia smiled through her tears. "I know." She exhaled and stared at him. "I don't know if I can do it Elliot. Raise a baby alone."

"But you're not alone. You have me and everyone from work. Always. How far are you?"

"Umm, I don't really know yet. I can't get in to see my doctor for another week."

"I'm gonna be here for you, Olivia. Through thick and thin. No matter what. You are my partner and my best friend and my family and I love you."

"I have an appointment, tomorrow."

"I thought you couldn't get in until next week?"

"No. It's an appointment with an agency. I called them this morning. My baby deserves two parents," she said softly as she began to cry. "A real family. And I can't give that by myself." She wiped her eyes with her sleeve. "It is the right thing to do."

"If you want, I could go with you. For support."

"You would do that?"

"For you?" He reached up and took her hand in his. "I'd do anything."

Olivia stood up and hugged him.

"Now," he said kissing her forehead again, "back in bed."

Olivia laughed and crawled back into the bed.


	3. 3 Decisions

_Learning To Love With A Broken Heart_

_(Chapter Three: Decisions)_

Elliot sat next to Olivia waiting to speak with a social worker. The walls were lined with fliers that advertised adoption as a safe alternative to abortion and promised a happy ending for all. He stared at the smiling faces that appeared on the posters and tried to imagine any mother with that look on her face as she handed her baby over to a complete stranger to raise.

"Ms. Benson?" A woman in her early forties said as she appeared from behind the counter. "Would you like to come on back?"

Olivia pulled the strap of her purse over her shoulder and smiled nervously at Elliot as they followed the woman to a small office down the hall.

"Please take a seat," the woman suggested gesturing to two chairs in front of her desk. "So, what brings you here today?"

Olivia cleared her throat. "Umm, I just wanted to talk to someone about finding a good family for my baby."

The woman leaned back in her chair and clicked the end of her ink pen repeatedly as she looked Olivia over. "You are pregnant now?"

"Yes."

"How far along are you?"

"I'm not really sure yet. I go see my doctor in three days."

"Okay. What kind of adoption were you looking for?"

"I don't know. I mean, I really don't know anything about it. That is why I….I just wanted to learn a little more about my options."

"So you're not sure you want to give the baby up?"

"I am pretty sure this is the right choice for me. I just want to know that my baby is safe and taken care of. That this baby goes to a good home and a loving family."

"Can I ask why you are considering giving the baby up?"

"I don't think that I can give this baby everything it deserves on my own. I think maybe it would be better in a family with two parents."

"We work with three main types of adoption here at our center. In an open adoption, you are able to specify what type of family you prefer for you child. You have the chance to meet the adoptive parents prior to placement. And the birth parents usually keep contact with the adoptive family as the child grows up. They share photos and letters and in some cases even visitations are arranged. Then there is semi-open adoption. Again, you can specify the type of family you prefer. You are allowed to meet with adoptive parents before the delivery and are introduced on a first name basis only. You will not know where the family lives or where the child is being raised. But you are still able to receive photos and letters from the family and the child through the agency. Then there is a closed adoption. In closed adoption you can suggest a preference for the type of home you would like for your baby. For example, you are looking for a two parent home. I can pull a few general profiles and you will have some influence on what family is chosen. You will have no contact with the adoptive parents at all, before or after the birth. Once the baby is delivered a worker from the agency will pick the baby up at the hospital and bring it here where the adoptive parents will then come and claim their new son or daughter. You have no further contact with the child. All records are sealed, until the child reaches the age of seventeen. At seventeen the state of New Your recognizes them as a legal adult and if they should choose to want to look you up and you have signed the correct forms, we will contact you about arranging a meeting with your child."

Olivia fidgeted uncomfortably in her seat. She thought about it for a moment then looked at Elliot. "I know I want my baby to have two parents. But I don't think I could watch it grow up with someone else. I would like to be able to know a little about the family. But once I hand the baby over, I don't want any contact. I think that would be too hard and too confusing on the baby."

"So you want a closed adoption?"

"I guess so."

The woman scribbled a few notes down on a paper. She stood and walked to a file cabinet as she pulled some forms from it and laid a new file onto her desk. She stacked a few forms together and checked the box for a closed adoption and handed a pen and clip board to Olivia.

"I need you to fill these out. And when you visit your doctor, you need to have him fill this one out and turn it back in to us. This form here is to authorize permission for your doctor to fax us a copy of your medical records during the pregnancy. This way we can insure you are getting the proper medical treatment and prenatal care. Do you have a medical card or Medicaid?"

"No. I would just be using my private insurance."

"Okay, in most cases the adoptive parents assume the cost of the prenatal care and delivery. In your case you have not yet chosen the parents. What we usually do here is either suggest that you apply for Medicaid or go ahead and bill your private insurance. Then you will be reimbursed after the parents are selected and all of the papers are signed."

Olivia stared blankly ahead at the woman as she tried to process all of the information in her mind.

"But for now, to get you started…. I need these filled out."

She leaned forward and picked up a pen from the woman's desk. She took a deep breath and began to write her first name across the top line.

"Wait," Elliot said as he reached for her hand. "You don't have to do this right now. Take your time and think about it."

"Sir, I am sorry. Are you the father of the baby?"

"No, I am just a friend."

"It is important that you understand that the sooner we can get this all arranged the easier it will be on everyone involved. Once she gets these forms filled out we can get this process moving along."

"I just think this is a very important decision. The hardest one she will ever make in her life." He turned to look at Olivia. "All I am saying is that maybe you should take a little time to think about it."

Olivia exhaled loudly as she stared down at the paperwork in her hand.

"With all due respect, sir, this is not your decision!"

"No! But it isn't your's either! Can't you just give her some pamphlets and a few days to think about it? She has only known for five days that she was even pregnant!"

The woman glared at Elliot across her desk as she clicked her pen once more.

"Olivia," he pleaded with her. "This is it. Once you sign those papers, you have no choice. Your baby belongs to someone else. All I am asking is that you give yourself a few days to think it over. Then if you are sure this is what you want to do, what is right for you, then I will bring you back down here to finish the paperwork. Honey, I just don't want you to end up regretting this decision later down the road."

"Sir, I am afraid that I am going to have to ask you to step out!"

"No," Olivia said as she sat the clip board down on the woman's desk, "he's right." She rubbed her hands over her face and took a deep breath. "I am pretty sure this is the right choice for me. But I need some time to think about it. Once I sign this baby over, it's too late for me to change my mind. I need to know with absolute certainty, that this is the right thing." She looked up at the woman, who was shooting a displeased glare in Elliot's direction.

Olivia picked up her purse and stood to leave.

"Why don't we do this," the woman began, "take these papers with you. You think about it and if you are still interested, fill them out and bring them back in to me. I can pull a few summaries if you like. For you to look at and get an idea of what you might be looking for, for your baby."

"Summaries?"

"It is a biography thing of couples wanting to adopt. I can pick a few from the top of the list and let you review them, see if there is anyone you prefer. These couples have all been through our approval process and been cleared. Now they are all just waiting for their baby. No names, of course. Just a file number. But you learn things like the religion and a little about the family history. Other children, pets, their career choices, just a few things that you may find comforting. Think about it. Consider it. Call me and let me know."

The woman stood up and walked back to her file cabinet. She pulled three information packets on suggestive families for Olivia's baby, then picked up the forms from the clipboard and two information pamphlets, handing them to Olivia. She walked them back to the front of the building and thanked them for coming in.

In the parking lot walking back to the car no words were said. Olivia stared at the ground and Elliot fumbled with his car keys. He opened the car door for her and she climbed inside. Elliot got in and closed the door as they just sat there for a moment, quietly thinking about what Olivia had just discussed with the woman from the agency.

Olivia raised her hand to comb her fingers through her hair as Elliot started the car. He drove her across town and back to her apartment in complete silence as she stared out the window.

Inside her apartment Olivia kicked her shoes off and Elliot followed her down the hall to the bedroom. She tossed the stack of paperwork on the nightstand and laid down across her bed, closing her eyes. Elliot sat down in the floor beside the bed and waited for her to speak.

But she didn't speak. She laid there quietly for a moment then stood up and moved to the bathroom. Elliot sat in the bedroom floor as Olivia threw up for ten minutes straight. He moved to the kitchen to bring her a bottle of water.

He sat the bottle on the nightstand beside the papers and leaned against the wall beside the bathroom door. He watched as she opened the door and finally emerged. She dropped herself across the bed and laid there for a few moments.

Elliot sat down against the wall across the room and watched her. A thousand thoughts screamed inside his head, but he said nothing. He knew what he thought she should do, what he wanted her to do, but he would never say it. This was her life. Her world was the one turned upside down and she would have to make this decision for herself, no one could make this one for her. His job in this was to be here for her. To support her, no matter what choice she made and to help her through it. No matter what decision she made, her life would never be the same. He cupped his hands and closed his eyes lowering his face into them.

**EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO**

_**ONE YEAR EARLIER**_

_**Elliot sat at his computer typing up a report on a case for Cragen. **_

"_**Elliot?" He heard Trevor say from behind him.**_

"_**Hey, you just missed Liv. She is out in court all afternoon."**_

"_**No, actually I came by to see if I could buy you lunch."**_

"_**Me?"**_

"_**Yeah. There is something I'd like to talk to you about. If you are not too busy."**_

"_**I am never too busy to have lunch with a friend. Especially a free lunch." **_

_**They both laughed as Elliot stood up and grabbed his jacket. They went to a sports bar across town that had just opened. They joked and made small talk as the waitress took their order and brought their drinks.**_

"_**So Trevor, what is this big thing you wanted to talk to me about? I have to admit your girlfriend is liable to get a little jealous if she finds out I got to have lunch with you and she missed out."**_

_**Trevor took a deep breath and stared at Elliot.**_

"_**Actually, I was hoping we could kind of just keep this meeting between us. At least for a few days."**_

"_**Trevor, what's going on? Now you know I don't keep secrets. Not from Olivia." Elliot could feel himself getting defensive over her. "You're not sneaking around on her?"**_

"_**No! No. God, no. I love Olivia. Elliot, I would never cheat on her. Or do anything I thought was going to hurt her."**_

"_**So why you being so secretive?"**_

"_**Here it goes. Elliot I asked you here today, because I want to ask for your approval."**_

"_**My approval on what, Trevor?"**_

_**Trevor reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a teal box sitting it on the table between he and Elliot. Elliot studied the black lettering across the top that read Tiffany & Co. Then shifted his eyes back to Trevor.**_

"_**I want to ask Olivia to marry me, Elliot. But I wont do it without your blessing."**_

_**Elliot sat there for a moment both speechless and thrilled. **_

"_**I can't ask her father. You are her best friend and her family. You are the only one in the entire world who's opinion really matters to me. You have looked out for her all of these years and I respect you for that. It is out of this respect, that I come to you today and ask for you approval to ask Olivia for her hand in marriage."**_

"_**Trevor, I cannot think of anyone else in the world I would rather see her end up with. I want you to make me a promise. Promise me that you will love her and protect her. Keep her happy and make all of her dreams come true."**_

"_**Elliot, that is the easier promise I have ever made to anyone. You have my word."**_

"_**And you have my blessing."**_

_**Trevor exhaled and a smile spread across his face. He looked at Elliot and they both laughed.**_

"_**How are you gonna ask her?" Elliot asked.**_

"_**Valentine's Day."**_

"_**Valentine's Da… you have two days to make this perfect. You know that right?"**_

"_**No pressure." Trevor laughed. "Olivia and I already have plans to have dinner at her place. I am cooking for her. So I was thinking, I would do it at dinner."**_

"_**Nice."**_

"_**On the roof. I have arranged for a romantic dinner by candle light, with champagne and a hundred roses. Some soft music to set the mood. And when the time is right I will drop to one knee and give her this," he said as he pulled a black velvet ring box from the little teal box and opened it.**_

"_**Wow," Elliot said stunned at the large diamond sparkling back at him.**_

"_**Do you think she'll like it?"**_

"_**Yeah. I don't know a woman in the world who wouldn't. But it is the middle of February in Manhattan. Are you sure the roof wont be too cold?"**_

"_**I have it covered. I rented a heater. It will keep it nice so that I can enjoy a romantic dinner with my girl in her favorite hideaway. And the beautiful view of the city at night, peaceful and romantic. Just the two of us. What do you think?"**_

"_**I think I should have asked you for pointers before I proposed to my ex-wife."**_

"_**Do you think she'll say yes?"**_

"_**Well Trevor, I really can't speak for Olivia. But I know she loves you. You guys have been a couple for over two years now."**_

"_**Two years and two months."**_

_**Elliot smiled. "Those are all good signs."**_

"_**Well, wish me luck."**_

_**VALENTINE'S DAY **_

"_**Wow. You look incredible," Elliot said as Olivia walked from the locker room wearing a sexy black dress with spaghetti straps. She had her hair and make up done perfectly and she smelled amazing.**_

"_**Well, when I agreed to have dinner at my apartment with Trevor tonight I didn't think about the fact that I wouldn't have time to go home and get ready for dinner before he arrived." She looked at her watch. "He is already there and cooking as we speak."**_

"_**He's cooking for you? Now that is real love," John Munch chimed in from across his desk. "Do you know what he got you for Valentine's Day?" **_

"_**No clue. But I am sure it is something wonderful. He is so good at this kind of thing. It was his idea to stay home and just enjoy some alone time together," she said as she laid her hand bag on the desk and fidgeted with her earring. "And it was his idea to cook for me. He is such a romantic. It is really nice to finally date a guy who enjoys seeking out new ways to sweep me off my feet."**_

"_**It is guys like that that make it impossible for the rest of us," Munch replied.**_

"_**Don't listen to him, Liv. You deserve it," Fin replied. "What did you get for him?"**_

"_**A watch."**_

"_**A watch?" Munch questioned her gift choice.**_

"_**A watch he picked out and has wanted for a while. And a couple of new ties and," she paused for a moment as she realized she wasn't talking to Casey and had probably said too much already.**_

"_**And?" Munch asked.**_

_**Olivia cleared her throat. "A few other things," she replied. "But they are really more for me."**_

_**Elliot looked confused for a moment as she looked his direction and smiled.**_

"_**The gift that keeps on giving," Munch replied.**_

_**Olivia laughed. "Hey, don't ask if you don't want to know." She pulled her lipstick from her purse and applied it as she stared into a small hand held mirror.**_

"_**Well, I am out of here in twenty minutes," Elliot announced leaning back in his chair and folding his arms behind his head.**_

"_**You got a date with a special lady?" Olivia asked with a smile.**_

"_**Nope. The first year in about five that I have had Valentine's Day off and I am not spending it with anyone. I'm gonna go home, kick back with a six pack and rent a boxing match on pay-per-view."**_

"_**Nice," Munch replied.**_

_**Just then Cragen came out of the office with a hand full of papers. They all turned and looked at him. "Listen up people! We got a new one! Fourteen year old boy accusing his teacher of rape. "Benson," he barked. "I want you and Fin to go talk to the boy," he said handing Olivia the file. "Munch, go talk to the teacher."**_

"_**What about Me?" Elliot asked.**_

"_**You requested tonight off two months ago."**_

_**Elliot looked up at Olivia as she pressed her lips together trying not to be disappointed. "You take tonight off," he said reaching to take the file from her hand.**_

"_**No El, your boxing match."**_

"_**I'll TiVo it. You got real plans, with Trevor. Go."**_

"_**Elliot?" Cragen asked as Elliot opened the file.**_

"_**Fin and I can handle this, Cap. Let her go."**_

_**Olivia looked at Cragen who studied her from head to toe.**_

"_**Fine by me," he said walking back to his office.**_

"_**El? Are you sure?"**_

"_**Yeah, I'm sure. How many times have you worked over for me so that I could be home for dinner with Kathy and the kids. I own you one."**_

"_**It isn't a big deal. I can call Trevor and explain it to him. We can have dinner tomorrow night."**_

"_**Olivia, go. And have fun. You deserve this. Besides it has been weeks since the two of you have had a real date. Go, before you're late."**_

_**She smiled her pretty smile and leaned in to hug him. **_

"_**Thanks, El."**_

"_**I'll see you tomorrow," he said winking at her.**_

"_**See you tomorrow."**_


	4. 4 Time

_Learning To Love With A Broken Heart_

_(Chapter Four: Time)_

Elliot raised his head to look at her now. She laid across the bed looking miserable. She not only had a cold, but morning sickness to boot. Olivia took a deep breath and opened her eyes.

"Don't look at me like that," she mumbled softly.

"Like what?"

"Don't judge me."

"Olivia, I'm not judging you."

"Yeah well, the next time I fall head over heels for a guy and decide to get all wrapped up in the romance, remind me not to get knocked up." She climbed from the bed and made her way into the bathroom for ten more minutes of vomiting.

When she had finished she flushed the toilet and leaned back against the wall, pulling her knees to her chest. She leaned her head forward and closed her eyes.

**EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO**

"_**Tell me what you're thinking," Trevor said running his finger down the bridge of her nose.**_

_**Olivia opened her eyes to stare at him across the bed and smiled. **_

"_**I am thinking how incredibly perfect you are. And how I am the luckiest woman in the world."**_

"_**You are huh?"**_

"_**I am," she said confidently as she stretched her arm out to look at the beautiful diamond ring on her left hand.**_

"_**Tonight is the engagement party," he said.**_

_**She smiled and sat up holding the sheet against her body.**_

"_**Have you talked to Elliot, yet?" Trevor asked.**_

"_**Not yet. I have not had a chance to really talk to him alone. I thought I would ask him tonight."**_

_**Trevor rubbed his hand over her bare back and kissed her skin.**_

"_**It is hard to believe that in nine weeks, you will be my wife."**_

_**Olivia turned to look over her shoulder at him and smiled.**_

"_**I can't wait."**_

"_**Me either, baby." He sat up and kissed her tenderly, pulling her back down to the bed.**_

"_**Trev… baby," she mumbled between his kisses. "I don't have time. I have to go."**_

"_**Go where? I thought you took today off to do wedding stuff."**_

"_**I did. But I also have a doctor's appointment."**_

"_**Appointment for what?"**_

_**Olivia laughed. "Girl stuff. And I have to have time to get home and shower first."**_

"_**So use the shower here. That will buy us at least half an hour to fool around," he said rolling over her and pinning her to the bed.**_

_**She laughed again. "No, Trevor. Stop," she giggled as she raised the blanket to look at him. "The appointment is to get my prescription refilled for my birth control and to get it I have to have a full examine. I really don't want to do that kind of examine just after we have sex. So as much as I want to right now, I can't. And I can't be late. It took me two months to get in."**_

"_**I don't understand why you are so persistent about your pills anyway. We're getting married. And we both want kids." He cupped his hand against her face and gazed into her eyes. "We are going to be amazing parents and have beautiful babies together. I want that with you. I want everything with you." **_

_**Olivia smiled. "I want it with you, too. I just don't know if I am ready for it right now. I want some time for us first. Just to enjoy being husband and wife. Some us time, before we try for a baby. When things get settled and we are both ready, then I will go off the pills."**_

"_**If that is what you really want then I guess I can wait." **_

_**Olivia smiled. "I love you so much."**_

"_**I love you, too." **_

_**She laid with him for a few moments almost falling back to sleep in the safety of his arms. She sat up holding the sheet around her and made her way to the bathroom to shower. Five minutes in as she soaped up her hair she felt two strong arms as they slipped around her waist.**_

_**Olivia smiled and moaned softly as he moved his hands over her body. Trevor turned her around to kiss her passionately as he stared deep into her eyes. For a moment Olivia was distracted by the fire in his touch and the flame in his eyes. She lost her train of thought and they made love right there in the shower.**_

_**An hour later they laid wrapped up together back in his bed. She couldn't resist him, she never could. But now she had missed her appointment. And an appointment with the people about the wedding cake. Her beautiful distraction had completely thrown off her plans for the day.**_

"_**Stay here with me," Trevor said kissing her again.**_

"_**I wish I could. But I really have to go." She stood up and picked her clothes from the night before up from the side of the bed as she began to put them back on. "I have to go call my doctor and see if I can get in before the wedding. We'll have to use condoms until I can get more pills."**_

"_**I'm sorry I made you miss your appointment. We just hardly have time together anymore. And until last night, all night last night, it had been over two weeks since we had even made love."**_

_**Olivia smiled at him as she ran his comb through her hair. "Well, we definitely made up for it."**_

"_**Yeah we did!"**_

_**She picked up her car keys from the dresser and moved across the room to kiss him good bye. "I'll see you tonight."**_

"_**I love you."**_

"_**I love you, too."**_

"_**Don't forget to talk to Elliot," he called down the hall to her as she walked toward the door.**_

"_**I won't."**_

_**Later that evening at the engagement party Olivia grabbed two glasses of champagne and lured Elliot out onto the balcony of the hotel ball room to talk to him. **_

"_**Great party," Elliot said smiling at her.**_

"_**Yeah."**_

"_**What's up, Liv?"**_

"_**I just had something I wanted to talk to you about. Wedding details."**_

"_**Shoot."**_

"_**Well, Trevor and I have been talking and he thinks it is a wonderful idea."**_

"_**Spill it," Elliot said grinning at her.**_

"_**I wanted to ask you if you would give me away at my wedding."**_

_**Elliot turned to look at her as he felt the tears welling up in his eyes.**_

"_**Me?"**_

"_**Yes, you. You are my best friend, El. My family. You have always looked out for me and protected me. Like my big brother. I love you so much. And it would mean so much to me…to Trevor and I both, if you would walk me down the aisle and give me away at my wedding."**_

"_**I would be honored, Olivia."**_

_**She smiled and he hugged her tight. "I love you, too. Best friends forever?"**_

"_**Definitely."**_

"_**Can I tell you a secret?"**_

"_**Sure."**_

"_**I don't think you could have found a better guy, Liv. He is amazing and he loves you so much. I am so happy for you to finally find the love you have waited your entire life to feel. Trevor is going to make all of your dreams come true."**_

"_**So you approve?"**_

"_**I approve. I couldn't have picked one better myself."**_

_**Olivia smiled. "You know, I would have made you my maid of honor. But traditionally that role is given to a woman, so I chose Casey. I couldn't think of anyone else I would rather walk me down that aisle to my future husband." She kissed his cheek and laid her forehead against his shoulder as they stared up at the full moon.**_

"_**Something tells me Casey would look better in that dress that I would anyway."**_

_**Olivia laughed. "I don't know if I could ever live my life without you in it Elliot," she said with a smile and tears in her eyes.**_

_**Elliot tipped his head to look into her eyes. "I know exactly what you mean," he said softly tucking a strand of her hair back into place.**_

"_**There you are," Trevor said as he walked over to Olivia and wrapped her in his arms. He kissed her softly. "People are asking about you. That are wanting to get dinner started."**_

"_**I was just talking with Elliot about the wedding."**_

"_**Yeah?"**_

"_**Yeah. And he said he would give me away."**_

"_**Thanks," Trevor said extending his hand to shake Elliot's. "It really means a lot to both of us."**_

"_**My pleasure. I would be honored."**_

_**Trevor looked back at Olivia. "We'd better get back inside. They are wanting a toast."**_

"_**Okay," she said with a smile. **_

**EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO**

"Liv?"

"Yeah?" She said raising her head and opening her eyes.

"I asked if you were okay?"

"I'll be fine," she said standing up to brush her teeth. "Just morning sickness."

"You know, you didn't get knocked up."

She stared at him through the bathroom mirror and spit out her mouthful of tooth paste.

"You made love to your fiancé. A man you intended on spending the rest of your life with and together you created a baby. To say you got knocked up makes it sound like some horrible, tragic accident."

She rinsed her mouth and wiped her face with a hand towel.

"Isn't it?" She asked turning to look at him. "This baby wasn't planned, Elliot. I accidentally got pregnant, because I missed my appointment to get my pills. Then my fiancé and the father of my unborn child is murdered on the very day I find out that I am pregnant. Horrible or tragic? Take your pick. But I honestly think that all three apply in my current situation." She tossed the towel onto the counter and walked back to her bed. "Now if you will excuse me, I am going to try desperately to fall asleep before I get sick again." She pulled the blanket over her head and closed her eyes.

An hour later she woke to the smell of food cooking in her kitchen. She sat up in the bed and rubbed her hand over her face. She stretched and curled her toes on the carpet then made her way to the bathroom to pee. A few minutes later she appeared at the bar in the kitchen.

"How'd you sleep?" Elliot asked.

"Good."

"That's good. I'm making some dinner."

Olivia smiled at him. "El, I am sorry I yelled at you. I was completely out of line."

Elliot poured her a glass of juice and sat it on the bar in front of her. He leaned across the counter and kissed her forehead. "Your world as you knew is has just fallen apart around you. You find out you are going to be a mother only to find out hours later that the love of your life was just murdered. You are trying to decide if it is best to raise your child without a father or to give it up to a couple who can give it two parents. You have that agency woman bugging you to sign the papers and me…."

"Silently pleading with me not to."

Elliot pressed his forehead to hers. "Throw in a little morning sickness. I think anyone would have yelled at me."

"Elliot, I love this baby. I don't want you to think that I don't. And it is because I love it, that I would even consider giving it up."

"I know that."

"I have to do what is best for this baby. Even if it is the hardest thing I will ever do. I have to make this right, somehow. And I am so scared and confused and all I can think about is that I know what it is like to grow up without a father. I want more for my baby. I want my child to have a real family. And I can't provide that. Not now."

"I just wish there was more I could do to make this decision easier on you. But it has to be your choice, either way. You can't do what I think is best or anyone else. This is your life and it is your baby. I just want you to be able to think about it and not have someone breathing down your neck. That lady was all about getting you to sign those papers. I just don't think this is a decision you can make in five days. I think you should take your time. But I want you to know, no matter what choice you make, I will be here. To help you and support you as much as I can. You are not alone here, Liv. You have so many people who love you. People who would do anything they could to help."

"I know. And I think you're right, I just need more time."


	5. 5 The First Time

_**Learning To Love With A Broken Heart**_

_**(Chapter Five: The First Time)**_

**Elliot watched as Olivia walked in and took a seat at her desk.**

"**How'd it go?" He asked looking up at her.**

"**Alright," She said softly looking to make sure no one could hear them. "I am around eight weeks, due January tenth. They did a sonogram and said everything looks good and I am carrying a healthy baby."**

"**You get to hear the heartbeat?"**

"**Yeah. And I got this," she pulled an early sonogram picture from her purse. "Well, you can't really see anything. Just a black blob. But that spot is the baby." She exhaled deeply and stared at the picture in her hand.**

"**Amazing, huh? How it all seems so real now? Once you see it move on the screen and hear it's little heart beating."**

"**El…"**

"**Sorry."**

"**I'm just trying not to get too attached. I honestly think that giving this baby up is the best thing to do. I started looking through those summaries she gave me and this one couple sounds really great. They have tried for years to have one of their own and they can't. This baby would be a dream come true for them. That is how it should be for every baby. Someone's little miracle. I just don't think I can do it."**

"**If you are trying so heard not to get attached, then why would you take home a sonogram picture?"**

**Olivia stared blankly at him for a moment, unable to answer his question. Grasping at straws she finally came up with an answer. "I thought I should keep them. Put them in a book. To send with the baby. For the adoptive parents."**

**Elliot looked into her eyes not believing a word she said. "Okay."**

"**Elliot," she said shaking her head. "Please don't do this. Just try to understand."**

"**I understand why you would do it. I understand it perfectly. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't scare me."**

"**Why would it scare you?"**

"**Because Olivia, you are setting yourself up for failure. No matter how sure you are and no matter how prepared you are…"**

"**What?"**

"**You are going to get your heart broken all over again."**

"**Elliot, I know without a doubt that this is going to be the hardest thing I will ever do. But I know in my head and in my heart that it is the right thing to do. What is best for my child. It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt like Hell. I know that. That is why I need you to be there for me. But in the end, when I know that that baby will grow up loved and lead a happy life, I will survive this."**

"**I'm here. And I am gonna be here all the way. No matte what you choose."**

"**I choose them," she said laying the stack of papers down on her desk in front of her. "And I am dropping the paperwork off after lunch. Then I really don't want to talk about it anymore. This is the right choice for me."**

"**That is all that matters. I just wanted you to be sure."**

"**I am. When I sat there on that table and watched that baby moving inside me and listened to it's little heart, I knew I would do anything in the world for it. Him or her, I want the best for it. And I want this child to have so much more than I can provide. This is what I have to do, Elliot. As hard as it is, it is the right decision."**

"**Alright. I just didn't want you rushing into it."**

**FIVE MONTHS LATER**

Olivia sat in the interrogation room interviewing a witness for their case. She held one hand under the curve of her belly as she felt the baby moving around inside her. She rubbed little circles over the black where the baby was kicking and tried to focus on her conversation. She hadn't eaten lunch yet and obviously this was her child's way of telling her it was time to eat.

Casey and Elliot stood outside the two way mirror and listened in on the conversation Olivia held with the woman.

"I cannot believe Olivia is seven months pregnant," Casey said. "Does she know the sex of the baby, yet?"

"She doesn't want to know," Elliot replied sharply. "She says it isn't her baby. It belongs to the couple she chose now. Her doctor sent a letter to the adoption agency though. So that the adoptive parents would know the sex of their baby. I caught a look at the screen."

"You know what it is?"

"I'm pretty sure. I have five children, Casey. I have gotten pretty good at reading these things."

"Well, are you gonna tell me?"

"No."

"Come on, Elliot."

"Casey, she doesn't want to make a big deal. She doesn't want to know. She asked me to respect her wishes in this and just be there for her and as hard as that is for me to do, she's right. I am her best friend and that is my job in this situation. To be here for Liv."

"I can't believe she's gonna give it up. Just like that. Just hand her baby over and give it away."

"She is doing the best thing she knows to do. Insuring a good future for her child."

"How long does she have? After the baby is born?"

"She wont see the baby. The doctor will deliver it and they will remove it from the room. Liv will never hold it or see it again."

"That is awful."

"That is what she decided. To sever all ties. I kind of think she has the right idea though."

"How can you say that?"

"Casey, if she sees that baby…if he holds it, it is just going to be that much harder for her to give it up. This is the way she wants it to be."

"I just don't understand it. I guess I would probably see things differently if I had been through what she has. But I could never imagine giving birth only to give my child away to someone else to raise and never see it again."

"She is doing what she thinks is best."

**EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO**

"_**Can I see you again?" Trevor asked with a smile as they stood outside Olivia's apartment door.**_

"_**We'll see," she replied with a smile.**_

"_**We'll see? Can I at least call you?"**_

"_**Trevor…"**_

"_**Olivia, I had a lot of fun tonight. I really like spending time with you. I am not asking to spend the night. I am just asking for a second date."**_

_**She looked up at him and stared into his eyes.**_

"_**I like spending time with you, too. I just don't know if this was a good idea. I mean this first time, was fun and completely innocent. Just hanging out together and getting to know each other. But I am not even sure I should have let it go that far."**_

"_**It didn't go anywhere. You are upset because I kissed you? I am sorry if that was moving too fast. I thought you wanted it, too."**_

"_**I did."**_

"_**Then I don't understand the problem."**_

"_**The problem is that I shouldn't have. Trevor, you are a great guy. But…"**_

"_**This is about Alex?"**_

"_**She is one of my best friends."**_

"_**Mine, too."**_

_**Olivia turned her eyes to meet his again.**_

"_**Olivia, there is nothing between Alex and I any longer. We had a couple of dates and didn't really hit it off. We realized pretty quickly that we were better off as friends than we were as a couple."**_

"_**Really?"**_

"_**I swear. Nothing really even happened between us. We kissed a few times. It just didn't work out. We parted ways on good terms and we are still friends."**_

"_**I just think, that out of respect, I should talk to her before this goes any further. I don't want to do anything that is going to hurt her."**_

"_**Neither do I. Call her," he said placing his Blackberry in her palm. **_

"_**You are not upset about this?"**_

"_**No. I told you, there are no romantic feelings between Alex and I anymore. But I agree with you that we should be open with her about this. You call her and talk to her. And if she is okay with you and I and you are still interested, then give me a call."**_

_**Olivia nodded her head as she stared into his eyes. She handed him back his phone. "I'll talk to her tonight. I just don't want to hurt her."**_

"_**Olivia, it's okay. I understand." **_

_**Trevor cupped his hand against the side of her face and kissed her tenderly.**_

"_**Good night, Olivia."**_

_**She could feel her heart pounding so hard she thought it would explode in her chest. God she was so crazy about this man and she really didn't even know him yet.**_

"_**Good night," she said softly as he climbed into the elevator and the doors closed.**_

_**Olivia went inside her apartment and kicked off her heels. She moved to the back of the apartment and started a bubble bath. She poured a glass of wine and climbed into the warm water. For a few minutes she just soaked and thought. She thought about Alex and wondered what she would really have to say about the idea of Olivia dating her ex-boyfriend. She thought of Trevor and his smile and that incredible good night kiss. She prayed that Alex really would be alright with it because she had never been more attracted to any man in her life.**_

_**Olivia took a deep breath and a sip from her wine glass as she picked up her cell phone. She dialed Alex's number and turned on the speaker phone, laying it on the edge of the garden tub.**_

"_**Hello," Alex said as she picked up the phone.**_

"_**Hey Alex, it's Liv. Do you have a few minutes? There is something I'd like to talk to you about."**_

"_**Sure. what's up?"**_

"_**Well, I just got home from a first date."**_

"_**How did it go?"**_

"_**Good. Actually that is what I wanted to talk to you about. My date was with Trevor Langan." Olivia was quiet for a few minutes waiting for some reaction from Alex.**_

"_**And?"**_

"_**That doesn't bother you?"**_

"_**Why would it? Trevor and I broke up a long time ago."**_

"_**I just wanted to talk to you about it. This first date was really just his work Christmas party. But he wants to see me again. I am interested in him Alex, but I didn't want things to go any further without talking to you first. I guess what I am trying to sat is that I would love to date him. But I don't want to do that, unless it is alright with you."**_

"_**Of course it is alright with me. He is an amazing guy, Olivia. Look Trevor and I had a few dates. Great dates. But we just didn't really hit it off. We didn't even sleep together. But we are still friends."**_

"_**Really?"**_

"_**Yeah. I mean think about it from my perspective. Do you have any idea it would be to leave your boyfriend's bed in the morning and head off to work, just to square off against him in court? Face it Liv, it just wouldn't have worked out. I do think he would be good for you, though. I can't believe I didn't think of it before."**_

_**Olivia laughed. "I guess he was interested and talked to Casey about me. She put him up to asking me out. We went to that party and had an amazing evening. Then he brought me home and kissed me goodnight. That is all that happened so far, but he wants to see me again."**_

"_**He is a really good kisser," Alex added.**_

"_**Yes, he is. So, you are sure it is okay if I go out with him again?"**_

"_**Yes, I'm sure. But I want details."**_

_**Olivia laughed. "Okay. Alex, thanks. I'm gonna go so I can call him before it gets too late."**_

"_**Good night, Liv."**_

"_**Good night, Alex."**_

_**Olivia hung up the phone and dialed Trevor's number.**_

"_**Trevor?"**_

"_**Olivia, I didn't think I would hear from you tonight."**_

"_**If it is too late, I am sorry."**_

"_**No. I meant that it was good to hear from you."**_

"_**Oh. Listen I just talked to Alex and you were right. She is fine with us seeing each other. I hope you understand."**_

"_**I understand perfectly."**_

"_**I was hoping maybe we could have dinner tomorrow night. I really do want to see you again."**_

"_**I would love to. You know, this is the first time a beautiful woman has ever called to ask me out."**_

_**Olivia laughed. "Would you like me to pick you up?"**_

"_**No. Actually, why don't you come by my place around seven and let me cook dinner for you?"**_

"_**You cook?"**_

"_**I love to cook."**_

"_**Okay, seven o'clock."**_

**EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO**

"Detective Benson?"Cragen's voice suddenly boomed from behind her.

"Yes," Olivia said raising her head.

"I said, why don't we break for lunch? You have been at this all morning. An hour break and Mrs. Clark can return to the station and finish up the questioning, then."

"I think that is a great idea," Olivia said laying her pen down onto the notepad in front of her. She extended her hand out to shake Mrs. Clark's hand. "I'll meet you back here in an hour."

"Thank you," Mrs. Clark said softly as she excused herself.

"What was that?" Cragen asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Look, I think maybe Elliot should talk to her this afternoon. You should take a little break. Why don't you take the rest of the afternoon off?"

"What are you talking about? I'm fine. I can do this."

"You are not fine, Olivia. And I don't expect you to be. I think maybe you are just having an off day. Take some time and I'll see you back here tomorrow."

"I don't understand."

"Olivia, you were questioning that witness in there. One minute you were fine and the next… it was like you zoned out. I am not sure where you were, but you weren't in that room. Then you started crying and just laid you head down in your hands. You lost it, Olivia. Somewhere in the middle of questioning that woman you lost it and you broke into tears. I was talking to you for several minutes before you even realized I was standing there."

"I'm sorry, Cap. I just need to get something to eat and some water and I will be fine. I'll be ready to go. I can do this, I'm fine."

"No, Olivia. You are not fine. Honey you are going through the hardest time of your life right now. And the stress and strain of this job on top of all of that is not good for you in your condition. I think maybe you should take some time off."

"Please don't do this. I need to work. If I stay home, I _will_ go crazy. I just need to eat something."

"Tell you what. I want Elliot to take you home for today. You get something to eat and rest up. We'll try again tomorrow. I can even call Mrs. Clark and ask her to come back in tomorrow afternoon. You are exhausted, Olivia. You need a break."

"Okay," she mumbled softly trying not to cry.

Elliot walked her down to the car and held the door open for her.

"You okay?" He asked.

"I'll be fine. Cragen is over reacting."

"He is just worried about you, Liv. He's trying to look out for you."

"I hate sitting at home. I need to be at work."

"And you will be, tomorrow. Everything can sit right where it is at for a few hours. You can pick it up where you left off, tomorrow."

"I guess so."

"What are you hungry for?"

"Anything is fine."

"Burgers?"

"Sure."

Elliot picked up some food then drove her home. After lunch he convinced her to take a nap while he sat in the living room and worked on some paperwork. He and Casey had been watching with Cragen through that mirror when she had broke into tears. Olivia was emotionally drained and Elliot didn't feel right leaving her alone just yet. Not until he at least knew that she was feeling better.

Olivia headed down the hall and put on a tee shirt and a pair of pajama pants to get comfortable then she climbed into bed and closed her eyes. They were all right about one thing, she was wore out. And being seven months pregnant, she would herself tired almost all of the time. It was like she couldn't get enough sleep anymore.

**EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO**

_**They had been dating just over three months now and finally, Olivia had allowed herself to go home with him. There were candles and wine and it was so romantic. Here tonight, for their first time together, she and Trevor were about to make love.**_

_**Olivia laid on her back across his bed as he leaned over her and kissed her tenderly. Across the room flames from the fireplace cast a soft glow over the room. He heart was pounding as she stared deep into his eyes.**_

"_**Olivia," he breathed against her ear as she smiled and closed her eyes.**_

"_**Yes?"**_

"_**Are you nervous?"**_

_**She laughed a little then looked into his eyes. "A little."**_

"_**Don't be. It's just me. And you. And I am sure we are going to be wonderful together."**_

"_**No pressure," she said as she closed her eyes.**_

"_**Hey, even if it is bad, it cant be that bad."**_

"_**That doesn't make sense."**_

"_**We are so great together. Even if the sex is bad, the rest of the relationship is incredible. It's kind of a win-win situation. I don't see how sex between us could possible be anything but magical. Everything else is."**_

_**Olivia smiled. He was trying so hard to comfort her and ease her into this. She leaned forward and pressed her lips to his, then slid down in the bed and stared up at him. Trevor stared at her underneath him. **_

_**She wore a black satin gown and she was so beautiful. Her eyes sparkled and her smile was so bright. He leaned down and kissed her tenderly as he smoothed his hands up her thighs and across her hips. He pulled her panties down and lifted her legs one at a time, then dropped the black lace underwear into the floor. **_

_**He moved his hands up her body over her gown and kissed her lips. He stared deep into her eyes.**_

"_**I'm crazy about you," he whispered softly as he pulled her gown over her head tossing it to the floor and kissed her again.**_

"_**And I'm crazy about you," Olivia said with a smile. **_

_**She ran her fingers over his bare chest and reached to unzip his pants. Trevor stood up for a moment allowing them to fall to the floor beside her clothes. Olivia sat up and smoothed her hands around on his body then pulled his boxers down until they were off as well.**_

_**She smiled again and laid back onto the bed. Trevor crawled across the bed and straddled himself over her as her kissed her passionately, then they were making love. He was right, it was magical. And Olivia had never been with a man who paid so much attention to her needs during sex. He was sweet and amazing and so eager to please. He treated her like a princess and she adored him. **_

_**Afterward he held her so tight. He smoothed his hands over her back and made her feel safe and loved and cherished. "Are you okay?" Trevor asked staring into her eyes.**_

"_**I am amazing. I am so good," she laughed.**_

"_**I told you there was nothing to be nervous about. We are fantastic together."**_

_**She smiled and tried not to laugh. "Yes, we are."**_

"_**I love you, Olivia. I know it may seem a little soon for that. But I feel it and I know it is real."**_

"_**I love you too, Trevor." She shifted her weight and nestled in against his body.**_

_**He kissed her tenderly and wrapped his arms around her as they fell asleep together in each other's arms.**_


	6. 6 A Long, Cold, Lonely Night

_Learning To Love With A Broken Heart_

_(Chapter Six: A Long, Cold, Lonely Night)_

**DECEMBER TWENTY THIRD**

Elliot stood in front of the stove in Olivia's apartment cooking them dinner.

"It will be ready in a minute."

"Good, I am starving."

"You know, you really should put up a Christmas tree. Or some lights or something. It's Christmas, Liv. This place is so gloomy."

"Well excuse me if I am enormous pregnant and don't feel like trying to figure out how to get a huge Christmas tree up the stairs and set up and decorated. The entire idea exhausts me. Besides the only trees left by now are all busted up and scraggly. And who am I trying to impress? It isn't like there is anyone here to see it."

"You are here. And I am here. I thought we were going to have Christmas dinner just the two of us?"

"By have, I thought you meant go out somewhere."

"We could go out. Or I could cook for you."

"You should be spending Christmas with your kids, not taking care of me."

"My kids are with their mother in Florida, until after New Year's day. And I like spending time with you. No one should be alone at Christmas. I am just saying, maybe a few decorations would liven up the place. And you can get a small artificial tree at Macy's. I'll set it up for you. I just think you could use a little Christmas cheer."

"I have a few decorations."

"Where? In a box in the closet?"

"Elliot, there are two red candles on the table, right there."

"Smart ass! Come in here and eat before this gets cold."

Olivia smiled as Elliot lit her two red candles, then reached to help her up from the sofa. She groaned a little and put her hand under her belly.

"You okay?"

"I'm good. I just have to pee again before I sit down to eat. You go ahead. I'll be right back. 

A few minutes later Elliot heard the bathroom door open and she made her way back down the hall toward the dining room.

"Okay, a small tree. Nothing big. But you have to do all the work."

"Don't I always?" He laughed as he looked at her.

Olivia pressed her lips together and placed one hand against the bar. Her other hand was tucked under her belly as she felt the baby kicking inside her. Elliot stood and walked to her. He placed one hand in the small of her back to help her to the chair.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. I just feel strange, a little dizzy."

"You are probably just hungry. I'll help you sit down. I'm sure you'll feel better after you eat." Elliot left her side just long enough to pull the chair out for her then returned and escorted her to the table.

"Thanks, El. I'm sure you're right."

They enjoyed dinner and talked for a little while about work and life and random things. Afterward Elliot stood at the sink and washed up the dinner dishes. Around nine o'clock they decided to put in a movie and relax on the couch for a little while. 

Olivia was walking from the table to the couch when she felt a strange pain and stopped talking in mid sentence. Elliot was putting in a DVD and looked up at her from the floor.

"Liv?"

"I'm sorry, what?" She asked.

"You were saying something and you just stopped. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I don't know. I am having these strange pains."

"What kind of pains?"

"Don't look at me like that. I am not due for two and a half more weeks."

"Olivia, what kind of pains."

"They're not contractions. Just a sharp pain every now and then."

He stood and walked to her. "Show me where."

"Right here," she said rubbing her hand over a place on the lower left side of her belly. "And the baby has been kicking like crazy."

She winced and groaned a little as she had another pain.

"You are sure you are now in labor?"

"I don't think so. But I have never been in labor. This doesn't feel like those Braxton Hicks contractions though." 

Elliot watched as she closed her eyes and squeezed his hand. Obviously she was in pain. She opened her eyes as tears started to build up behind them and she began to breath a little heavier.

"Elliot, I think something is wrong," she said softly.

"Okay. I am going to grab your bag, just in case. Then we are gonna take the elevator downstairs. I want you to sit down there and I will go get my car. I'm gonna take you to the hospital and everything is going to be just fine. You'll see."

She gasped as she began to cry. Elliot helped her to sit down in a chair and he moved to the bedroom to grab the overnight bag she had already packed for her trip to the hospital.

Twenty minutes later they walked into the emergency room across town. They got her into a room where they hooked her up to a lot of machines and monitors and began to run tests. 

A nurse came in and took a print out from one of the machines then went back out to get the doctor. Olivia looked up at Elliot nervously as she placed her hand under her baby bump.

"I am so scared El," she said softly as her tears slid down her face.

"Hey," he said sitting beside her on the hospital bed. "This is a great hospital with good doctors. They know what they are doing. Everything is gonna be okay. Trust me."

She took a staggered breath and nodded her head. Elliot kissed her forehead and held her hand until the doctor finally arrived. She was a tall woman in her mid thirties with long brown hair. She smiled and talked sweetly to Olivia. Elliot watched as she tried to explain everything that was going on and calm Olivia's fears.

"Olivia, my name is Doctor Brooks. I am the Obstetrician on call for this hospital tonight. Now I have someone trying to reach your doctor, but it we're not having much luck."

"What is wrong with my baby?"

"That is what I am going to find out." She picked up the paper to read off a machine and pressed a couple of buttons on another. "I would like to do a sonogram, if that is alright with you. It looks like the baby may be in a little distress and I'd like to see what is going on."

"Okay," Olivia agreed.

They brought in the machine and Elliot and Olivia watched as the baby appeared on the monitor. 

"Do you know the sex yet?" The doctor asked.

"I don't want to." 

The doctor gave Olivia a strange look.

"I'm not keeping the baby. Is everything okay?"

"The baby is very active and does seem to be in distress. My guess, from looking at this is that the baby is tangled in the cord."

"How do we fix that?"

"Well, it doesn't look too bad. It will probably straighten itself out. You're labor is progressing really well. I need to check you again and see how far dilated you are."

"My labor? No, no. This baby isn't due yet."

"Olivia, relax. The baby is plenty big enough and I will be watching the baby's heart rate. This number right here. If it drops too low and the baby is too distressed, I will have to do an emergency cesarean."

"Oh my God," Olivia said softly.


	7. 7 The Christmas Wish

_**Learning To Live With A Broken Heart**_

_**(Chapter Seven: The Christmas Wish)**_

**The doctor checked her and decided she wasn't dilating fast enough.**

"**Olivia, I would like to go ahead and break your water. It will only take a second and it wont hurt. But it will speed up the labor a bit. I want to get this baby out as quickly and safely as we can. I really think this is our best bet."**

"**It wont hurt the baby?"**

"**Not at all. This will actually just move things along a little faster. But if you would like an epidural, now is the time we need to do that. Once I break your water, things should progress rather quickly and it will be too late."**

"**Yes, go ahead and do the epidural. Then break the water, I guess. I just want the baby to be okay."**

"**I am going to do everything that I can. But you have been here in labor for four and a half hours now and you are only dilated to about a five. We need this to move a long a little faster. I am hoping that by breaking your water we can skip the Pitocin to induce."**

**Twenty minutes later Olivia was given the epidural and her water was broken. Elliot sat with her holding her hand as her contractions grew harder and closer together. Two hours after her water was broke Olivia began to push. And at four thirty seven in the morning the baby was finally born.**

**Olivia fell back against the bed as Elliot kissed her forehead. They listened as the baby cried and the doctor cut the cord. A nurse wrapped the infant in a blanket and took it from the room.**

"**Is the baby alright?" Olivia asked the doctor nervously.**

"**Seems fine. They are gonna go weigh it and get the stats, but it appears to be a healthy baby."**

"**That's good," she said softly with tears in her eyes. "I just thought because they rushed it out of the room…"**

"**That is procedure. When a mother gives the baby up, they take it right after delivery." **

"**Oh," she exhaled softly as she laid back in the bed.**

"**You did great, Olivia. We'll need to take you and get you cleaned up." The woman looked at Elliot. "If you would like to go get a cup of coffee or something, we'll have her settled into her room in about twenty minutes."**

"**Thanks." He turned to Olivia. "You did so good," he said brushing her hair back from her eyes. "I will be back in a little while." Elliot kissed her forehead and headed down the hall.**

**Fourteen hours later Olivia opened her eyes in a dark hospital room. It was early evening now, Christmas Eve and she had slept almost the entire day. She raised up in her hospital bed a little to see a small fiber optic Christmas tree twinkling on the window seal across the room. She laughed a little. Elliot Stabler never would take no for an answer.**

**Olivia stretched and looked around the room. In the hallway she could hear Elliot talking on his cell phone to someone. She lowered her bedrail and turned placing her feet onto the cold tile of the floor. She stood only for a moment as her weak knees trembled under the weight of her body. She reached for her bag and pulled out her robe slipping into it.**

**Once more she stood to her feet as she looked at the IV taped to her hand. Olivia unplugged the pole from the wall and wheeled it beside her. She was going stir-crazy and she needed to get out of this room. Sitting here she was left alone in her sadness to think all of the thoughts she didn't want running through her mind. **

**She opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. Elliot must have gone out for coffee or something because he was no longer standing by the door. Her eyes scanned the area, but she saw no one. She took a deep breath and walked slowly down the hallway. She was a little sore, but actually felt pretty well considering she had given birth just hours earlier.**

**It wasn't long before Olivia found herself standing in front of the nursery window. 'What harm could it do?' She thought to herself. This was Manhattan and there were probably at least six other babies born today. She wouldn't be able to tell them apart. Besides she didn't even know the sex of her child. And it wasn't like it was going to hurt anything if she did see the baby.**

**But as she stood there staring through the glass there was only one infant in the room. A little girl. So small and helpless. She had dark hair and dark eyes and as she stared back up at Olivia, she knew. This was her daughter. Olivia took a deep breath as she felt the warmth of her tears pouring down her face.**

**She raised her hand and placed it against the glass as she cried. She just stood there, in the middle of the hallway in a hospital gown and a bathrobe and cried. **

"**Can I help you, ma'am?" A woman asked from behind the counter across the room.**

"**Is this the only baby?" Olivia asked trying to hid the fact that she had just been crying.**

"**There are six more."**

"**Where are they?" **

"**We try to let them stay in the rooms with the mothers as much as we can," the nurse answered.**

"**What about her?" Olivia asked staring into the woman's eyes.**

"**She is waiting for social services. She'll stay in the nursery tonight. They are coming to pick her up in the morning, Ms. Benson."**

**Olivia blinked her brown eyes at the woman then looked back at the baby. She had been caught and this woman knew exactly who she was. **

"**You should be in bed."**

"**So, she has to spend the night in there? All alone?"**

"**It is procedure. I will be right here. She'll be fine, I assure you. We get a couple of these adoption cases a month. If she cries I will be right there to comfort her. I'll give her a bottle and rock her, she is going to be just fine. I promise." **

**Olivia stared at the tiny baby in the big empty room. "No one should have to be alone on Christmas," she said softly. She turned to look back at the woman. "Could I…I mean….what if I kept her with me. Just for tonight. Then she wouldn't have to be alone."**

"**Ma'am, that is against hospital policy. I am not supposed to….." the woman studied the worried look on Olivia's face and saw the tears building in her eyes again. "I will tell you what. I am taking her for a bath, in about half an hour. If my boss finds out I let you run around this hospital like that they will have my job for sure. Maybe I could bring her by your room for a little while after I give her a bath. It is Christmas Eve after all and like you said, no one should have to be alone on Christmas. But it this gets out I am in deep trouble. And you better get back into bed."**

"**Thank you," Olivia said as a soft smile spread across her face. "I wont say anything, I promise."**

**She walked back to her room and settled in her bed. Elliot returned a few minutes later and didn't even realize she had been gone. She sat with him and ate part of a sandwich he had brought her from a sub place down the street and they talked as they watched the flickering lights of the Christmas tree.**

**A little while later they heard a knock on the door. A nurse opened the door and pushed in the a little bed with the baby inside.**

"**Umm, there must be a mistake," Elliot protested as she picked up the baby to hand her to Olivia.**

"**It's okay, Elliot. It is just for a few minutes."**

**The nurse handed Olivia a little bottle of formula and tucked the blanket under the infant.**

"**If you need anything just push the call button, I am right down the hall. I will give you half an hour, then I will have to take her back to the nursery."**

"**Thank you," Olivia said with a smile. **

**She leaned forward and laid the baby girl down in against her knees as she inspected her. She counted all of her tiny fingers and toes are brushed her fingers through her dark hair. The little girl stirred a little and grunted as she looked up at Olivia. **

"**Isn't she perfect?" Olivia asked Elliot.**

"**She's beautiful. Liv, honey what are you doing?" **

"**She shouldn't have to spend Christmas alone, Elliot. No one should. You said that yourself. She was the only baby in that nursery. I couldn't let them leave her there, all alone."**

"**Olivia, I'm not sure this is such a good idea. Tomorrow morning that woman is coming here and she is going to take this baby to her new family."**

"**I know that. But tonight, I'm all she has."**

"**I'm just worried you will get attached and…"**

"**Elliot, it is going to hurt either way. At least now I know what she looks like. How she smells." She began to cry again. "I know how it feels to hold her in my arms. At least I will know."**

"**Yeah," he said softly as he sat on the bed beside her and kissed the top of her head. **

**The baby stirred a little and began to cry. Olivia wrapped her tight in her little blanket and held her where she could see the Christmas tree sparkling across the room. She fed the baby the bottle and moments later the little girl was sleeping in her mother's arms.**

**Elliot watched Olivia as she stared down at the infant sleeping in her arms.**

"**It's Christmas Eve. The snow if falling outside. And everything seems so peaceful and perfect right here. Did you make a Christmas wish?" He whispered softly.**

"**I only have one wish. I wish that is could somehow be easier to give her up."**

"**I can't help you with that one."**

"**Do you want to hold her?" Olivia asked softly.**

**Elliot raised his arms and took the baby from her arms. **

"**She is so small. She doesn't feel like she weighs anything at all. The paper on her little bed says six pounds two ounces. She is a healthy baby. She's perfect, Olivia. And tomorrow morning, she will make someone's Christmas wish come true." **

**Olivia laid back in her bed as Elliot walked the baby across the room to the Christmas tree. He stared out the window into the falling snow and secretly made his own Christmas wish.**

**He handed the baby back to Olivia and sat in the chair beside the bed. Olivia cradled the little girl against her collarbone and kissed the top of her head as the nurse returned to take her back to the nursery.**

"**Thank you so much," Olivia said trying not to cry as she handed the baby over.**

"**The social services lady is supposed to be here around ten to pick her up. I am on until noon. If you want, I could bring her back and let you feed her in the morning before they take her."**

"**That would be nice," Olivia said with a smile. "Thank you."**

**Elliot held her hand as she sank back into the bed and drifted off to sleep.**

**The next morning the same nurse brought the baby into the room around eight thirty and handed Olivia a bottle. Olivia held the baby like a pro as she fed her the bottle. Elliot watched as she spoke softly to the little girl in her arms. **

**She took a deep breath and he could tell she was holding back tears. She held the baby in her arms and just stared into her little brown eyes, trying to think of some explanation to give her daughter. **

**Just then the door flew open and the social worker entered the room. In her hand she held a baby carrier and the look on her face made it clear that she was not at all pleased that Olivia had gone against their agreement and held the baby.**

"**Ms. Benson, I am here to pick up that child, The child who was supposed to be in the nursery down the hall until I arrived for her. You were not supposed to have any contact with the child at all!"**

"**Relax lady, she just held the baby. It isn't like she broke her or anything," Elliot snapped back in Olivia's defense.**

"**Put the baby in the carrier," the woman said looking at and other social worker who was with her.**

**The second woman approached Olivia. She looked down at the sleeping baby and began to say her good bye. But the woman pulled the little girl from her arms waking the baby and making her cry.**

**Instantly Olivia began to cry as well. She was holding strong until the baby had started to cry after being ripped from her arms. Now she was about to break down. **

"**El…" she pleaded softly reaching for the now screaming infant.**

**The woman turned and fastened the baby into the carrier and turned to leave with her.**

"**Wait," Elliot said. And the woman stopped to look back at him. He turned to look at Olivia who was still crying.**

"**Liv? Do you want her?"**

**Olivia looked up at him. "Elliot, I can't…"**

"**You can. If you want her just tell me now. And I will do everything I can to help you. You won't be doing this alone. You have all of us for support and I promise you that baby will never do without. But if you let her go, she is gone for good. And we will never get her back. Just say the word."**

**Olivia stared into Elliot's eyes as he began to tear up as well.**

"**Liv?"**

"**She has already filled out the paperwork. There is a couple coming to my office this afternoon to pick up their child. I need you to sign this form and then this will all be over."**

**She stepped forward with the paper and a pen.**

"**Elliot, please!" Olivia pleaded with him. "I changed my mind. I want to keep my baby!" **

"**She isn't signing anything lady!" He snapped as she approached them.**

"**That is fine. We'll take the child, per our agreement. I will see you in court to sign the rest of the paperwork."**

**The woman grabbed the baby carrier that hale Olivia's screaming daughter and turned to walk away with it.**

"**Over my dead body, lady!" Elliot grabbed a hold of the handle of the carrier and placed his other hand under it to try and steady it. "You are not taking this baby anywhere. She is staying right here where she belongs, with her mother. And if you don't let go, so help me God I will break your arm!"**

"**Detective Stabler," the woman said defensively as she glared at Elliot, "Am I to understand that you want a part in this lawsuit?"**

"**Lady, we'll see you in court!"**

**Offended the woman released the carrier as Elliot turned and sat it on the bed at Olivia's feet. He picked up the stack or forms Olivia had already signed and ripped them in half, throwing them at the woman.**

"**Now get the Hell out!" **

**The woman knelt to the floor and frantically gathered her papers then both women backed out of the room. Elliot returned his attention to the frightened infant crying in the carrier. He unbuckled her and raised her against his chest.**

"**There," he said softly in a soothing voice. "It's alright now angel," he said as she clamed her cries and stared at him. "Uncle El is never going to let to let anyone hurt you. It's okay now, pretty girl. Here's your mommy."**

**Olivia smiled through tears as he handed her daughter back to her. The baby was quiet now and just looked up at her. "Mommy is so sorry sweetheart," Olivia whispered as she kissed her daughter's forehead.**

**They sat quietly for a moment as Olivia stared down at the baby in her arms.**

"**How in the world am I going to do this, Elliot? I don't know the first thing about babies," she whispered.**

"**You'll learn. Just the way every new parent does."**

"**I don't even have a crib."**

"**I'll get you one."**

"**My apartment is not big enough."**

"**Liv, you have Trevor's place. The apartment and enough money to take care of the both of you, it is going to be alright."**

"**You think I should go stay there?"**

"**The apartment is bigger. It is in a better neighborhood. Not that your neighborhood is bad, but his is amazing. You are five blocks from work. And I like that there is a doorman twenty four hours a day. The security is better. Maybe you should at least try it out."**

"**What do I do with my place?"**

"**Keep it. Or rent it out. I'll rent it from you."**

"**You want my apartment?"**

"**It is a lot better than the dump I am in now. I can help you get settled into Trevor's place. Then I could move into yours. You still have a key. I'll set up the spare bedroom and you and little…." Elliot stared down at the baby with no name. "You and her, you can come and stay anytime you want. This way we don't have to give up the rooftop."**

**She smiled again. "I have a daughter."**

"**You have a beautiful daughter."**

**Elliot kissed her forehead again.**

"**I will leave you two to get acquainted. I just got a text from Casey that says you have visitors. I think I'll ask everyone to give you two a little time and come back later. If you want I can take the keys to Trevor's apartment and get a crib set up. They will probably release you both this evening."**

"**Yeah. They are in my purse." Olivia dug through her purse and tossed him the keys.**

"**I'll be back in a few hours. You guys need anything?"**

"**I think we're good."**

"**I'm gonna tell the lady at the desk upfront to call security if that worker comes back around."**

"**Thank you, Elliot." Olivia smiled up at him.**

"**You are very welcome. Congratulations," he said kissing her forehead.**

"**I have my phone if you need me."**

**Elliot opened stepped out into the hall to find Casey wondering around in search of Olivia's room.**

"**Case," Elliot called to her.**

"**How's she doing?"**

"**Good. Listen I need your help. But I want to kind of keep it just between us right now."**

"**Sure. What's going on?"**

"**She's keeping the baby."**

"**She changed her mind?"**

"**Yeah. I'll need to talk to you about that a little later, too. I expect to me caught in the middle of a lawsuit. I pissed off that social worker. I kept her from taking the baby and ran her out of the room."**

"**Nice."**

"**But right now. I need a crib."**

"**A crib?"**

"**Actually, I can take care of the furniture. I need you to help me with the other stuff. Clothes, diapers, blankets, bedding."**

"**Okay."**

"**I want to surprise her. She is a little freaked out because she has nothing. And is not prepared. She just needs to know we all support her in this." Elliot handed Casey one of his credit cards. Can you get the stuff and get everyone together? Meet me back at Trevor's place in a couple of hours?"**

"**Yeah."**

"**Casey?"**

"**Yes."**

"**Get some nice bedding stuff for her room, too. I want this place to feel less like Trevor's and more like hers. I don't want to move anything around, we'll just fix up the bed. And make the office into a nursery for the baby."**

"**Sounds good, she's gonna love it." Casey turned to walk toward the elevators. "Hey Elliot?"**

"**Yes," Elliot said turning to look at her.**

**Casey laughed. "Boy or girl?"**

"**A beautiful little girl. She looks just like Olivia."**

"**How big?"**

"**About six pounds. You're gonna love her, Casey. She's a little doll. You can't help but fall in love with her the first moment you see her."**

"**Does she have a name?"**

"**We're working on that."**

**Casey laughed and stepped into the elevator. "I'll see you in two hours."**

**Elliot went down stairs to find Fin in the lobby.**

"**I was just on my way up."**

"**Change of plans. Listen I need you to help me set up a nursery."**

"**A nursery?"**

"**Liv is keeping the baby."**

"**Good for her. Sure think, pal. Where is the furniture?"**

"**I haven't bought it yet."**

"**How long you got to get all this stuff?"**

"**Two hours."**

"**I hope you know what you're doing."**

"**Fin, I got five kids. I could put a crib together with my eyes closed."**

**Fin laughed as he and Elliot climbed into Olivia's SUV and headed for the nearest baby store. Elliot walked around for a few moments and picked out an entire nursery furniture set, by looking at the display. While they were there they also picked out a few extra things like the bedding, a bassinette and frilly little dress for Olivia to bring her daughter home in. Elliot also bought a rocking chair, a new stroller and car seat, since he had pretty much thrown the other one at the woman as he suggested she leave the room. They paid for their purchases, then loaded them up and headed to Trevor's apartment to set things up.**

**They had just finished getting the furniture set up when Casey, Alex, Cragen and Munch arrived with the clothing and diapers and tons of other things. Another hours work and everything looked perfect for baby girl Benson to come home form the hospital with her mommy. **

"**You guys are awesome," Elliot said as he looked at his watch. "Now, Liv gets discharged in an hour. Can you guys light a few candles and someone work on dinner. I'll send you a text Casey to let you know when we are in the parking lot. She doesn't know you guys are here. It is going to be a wonderful surprise for her to see how much her friends love and support her in this."**

"**Elliot, if you don't go you will be late picking her up and she will know something is going on," Alex replied practically shoving him out the door.**

**Elliot picked Olivia up from the hospital and brought her home to an apartment full of friends. She was so happy she cried when she saw what they and done with the nursery and was excited to introduce them all to her little girl. She still didn't have a name for the baby, but she was healthy and they were together and that was all that mattered. **


	8. 8 Baby Jane Doe

_Learning To Live With A Broken Heart_

_(Chapter Eight: Baby Jane Doe)_

Olivia listened to the soft cries of her infant daughter as she opened her eyes. The apartment was dark and she was still adjusting to motherhood and her new surroundings. She had pretty much unable to sleep the last few days.

She sat up from the couch and rubbed her hands over her face, then looked at the clock on the DVD player across the room. The fifteen minute nap she had managed to get in since the last time the baby woke her hadn't quite been enough to completely recharge. She stood up and walked over to the bassinette a few feet away.

"Hi sweetheart," she whispered staring down at her little bundle of joy.

Olivia picked up the baby girl and made her way down the hall to the nursery. She laid her daughter down on the changing table and unsnapped her little pink sleeper and changed her tiny newborn diaper.

"There we go. That's better, isn't it?"

She picked the baby up and carried her back down the hallway. Olivia sat back down on the sofa and turned on the television. She muted the TV and unbuttoned her pajama top and positioned the baby to attempt to nurse her.

"Okay, kiddo. Just like Doctor Brooks showed us at the hospital. We can do this." But the harder she tried the fussier the baby got until they were both in tears.

Olivia laid her daughter back into the bassinette and went to the kitchen and prepared a bottle of pumped breast milk. She sat down on the couch with her daughter in her arms and gave her the bottle.

"I guess we are both still kind of new at this. But we can do it. Together baby, we can do anything. Mommy loves you so much."

The baby stared up at her and grunted as she sucked on her bottle. Olivia smiled. She laid her daughter down on her pillow and stared down at her.

"You kind of look like him," she said with a smile. "Your daddy. I wish he could have seen you. He would have loved you so, so much. He was such a good guy. He was handsome and successful and couldn't wait to be a father. I wish so badly that you could have known him. That he could have held you and loved you the way that I do. That he could have seen how beautiful you are. That he could have held you in his arms. He would have been so proud."

Olivia gazed lovingly down at her daughter as the baby yawned and made a few little grunting sounds. "Yeah, I wish daddy was here, too." She burped the baby and cuddled her against her collarbone as she laid back against the pillow and closed her eyes.

It was just after eight o'clock the next morning when Elliot rang the door bell. He came over every morning about this time to check up on Olivia and see the baby. Olivia opened the door looking half dead.

"Hey you, I brought coffee." He held up a Starbucks cup in his left hand.

"Thanks," she said taking the cup from his hand with a tired smile as she walked back to the bassinette to check on the baby.

"How is she doing?"

"She's good. She only sleeps fifteen minutes at a time and I cannot get her to nurse. But she is good."

"Rough night, huh?"

"Rough week." Olivia leaned over the bassinette and picked up her daughter. "You have a visitor," she said handing the baby to Elliot.

"There she is." He held the little girl and talked baby talk to her for a few minutes as Olivia smiled. She loved seeing him interact with her daughter.

"So, any ideas yet?" He asked.

"No, I am drawing a complete blank. You have any ideas?"

"None I haven't already ran past you. And you hated them all."

"I didn't hate them. Just nothing seemed to fit her." They both looked down at the baby in his arms. "My child is six days old, Elliot. And she still doesn't have a name."

"You will think of something."

"But I want it to be something good. Strong, but pretty. I made a list," she said handing him a piece of notebook paper.

"You have narrowed your options down to a grocery list."

"Very funny. How did you and Kathy decide on names for your kids?"

"She picked them."

"All of them?"

"She made a list."

"Ahh, okay."

"But we had nine months to decide. You have had six days. You will think of something."

"I wonder if there is some kind of law where they can take my kid away from me if she doesn't have a name by the time she's five?"

Elliot laughed. "You are being too hard on yourself. Give it a little time. You'll get the hang of it. What have you got planned today?"

"Not much. I have to take her for an appointment with the pediatrician. I have a doctor's appointment. I thought we would stop by work and visit everyone."

"You should let me take you to lunch. Both of you."

"I don't know, El. It just depends what kind of mood she is in when we get out of the doctor's office."

"Poor kid. Alright, then come over tonight and I will cook dinner. You guy's have not left this apartment since she came home."

"It has been a rough couple of days. Neither of us are fully adjusted to this yet. And I cant seem to sleep."

"She'll start sleeping through the night after a few weeks."

"No, it isn't her. Even when she sleeps I am lucky if I sleep a few minutes before I am awake again. I toss and turn all night."

"You want me to stay over tonight and take turns on diaper duty? You can get a little sleep."

"It's okay. I'll be fine, I'm just wore out."

"Or we could pack up the bassinette and a few diapers and the two of you could spend the weekend with me. You could use a break."

"I appreciate the offer, Elliot. But eventually I am going to have to learn to do this on my own."

"Eventually, yes. I have had babies, Olivia. These first few weeks are hard the first time around. I have no doubt in my mind that you can do this. I just think you should know that it is okay to ask for help. Besides, you and I have not had any time together since she was born. I miss hanging out with you. And now that there is a third member of our little Friday night movie club," Elliot said smiling down at the baby in his arms, "it gives us an excuse to rent kiddie movies."

Olivia laughed. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Come on, Liv. It will be like a slumber party. You want me to beg?"

"Okay," she breathed softly.

"I'm sorry," he said tugging gently at his ear, "I didn't hear you." Elliot leaned in against her as she laughed again.

"Okay, okay. I will pack a few of our things and we'll go spend the weekend with uncle Elliot."

"See now. That wasn't really that hard."

Olivia smiled and took her daughter back. "She needs changed."

"I gotta get going," Elliot said leaning down to kiss the little girl's forehead. "You two have fun. I will see you later."

"Yeah."

"Bye bye sweetheart," Elliot cooed to the baby in Olivia's arms.

Around two o'clock Olivia stopped by the precinct with her daughter to pay a visit to her coworkers and check her messages. Casey met up with Olivia and the baby in the elevator and followed her in. Elliot caught Olivia as soon as she walked in and scooped up her baby girl. He cradled her and talked baby talk to her and kissed her little forehead as he carried her over to sit at his desk with her.

"So how did everything do?"

"Excellent. Mommy and baby are doing just fine. She gained six ounces since I brought her home. Not that bad considering I am just getting her to actually nurse."

"What a good girl," Elliot said staring adoringly at the little girl in his arms. He held her as she began to fuss and held his finger in her little fist. "She's hungry," he said looking up at Olivia.

"I brought a bottle," she dug around in the quilted pink butterfly diaper bag for a moment then handed him a burp cloth and a bottle of breast milk.

"You want me to take her?"

"We're good," he said softly popping the cap off the bottle and putting the nipple to the baby's mouth.

"You may need to warm it up. Sometimes she won't take it at room temperature."

"She's fine, Liv."

Olivia watched as Elliot bonded with her child.

"Would ya look at that?" Cragen said looking down at Elliot holding the baby. "Looks like you still have a way with kids."

"He aught to after having five of his own," Casey replied with a smile.

"This is my buddy," Elliot said with a smile as looked down at the little girl in his arms.

"She loves Elliot. When he holds her she just stares up at him amazed. And she goes right to sleep for him. She adores him."

"I told you, she's my buddy."

Olivia smiled.

"So Liv, does she have a name yet?"

"I'm working on it. That task is harder than it sounds."

"Well, she is a beautiful little girl. And she deserves a beautiful name. I'm sure whatever you choose will fit her perfectly. Trevor would be proud. Of both of you."

"Thanks, Case."

That evening Olivia sat on the couch at Elliot's apartment holding the baby against her as they discussed names, again. They had each made a list and were now comparing them.

"I like Alyssa," Elliot said looking down at the baby.

"What about Gabrielle or Isabelle?"

"I don't like Gabby and you know people would call her that."

"True. Izzy isn't that bad. It's kind of cute."

"I don't know, Liv. She doesn't really look like an Isabelle."

"Well what does she look like Elliot? Because as of right now she is baby Jane Doe. Her Birth Certificate is being issued as Baby Girl Benson. Then I will have to fill out some other stuff and send off to have it changed after I give her a name."

"What about Emma or Claire?"

Olivia scrunched up her nose.

"Not Emma or Claire," Elliot answered himself. "Umm, lets see." He picked up his list and began to read off names from it. "Faith, Hannah, Noelle…." he watched Olivia's unpleasant reaction as he read off each name. "Liv, I don't think this list thing is working out." He balled up the paper and tossed it toward the desk across the room.

Olivia slumped back against the arm of the couch and shifted her daughter to rest against her chest. She twirled her fingers in the baby's dark hair and kissed the top of her head. "I just feel like I will know it when I hear it. And I haven't heard it."

Elliot closed the baby name book that was laying between them on the couch and sat it on the table. He leaned back against the couch and turned back on their movie. A few minutes later Elliot looked over to see Olivia and the baby both sound asleep. He smiled and stopped the DVD.

Elliot stood up and picked up the baby from Olivia's arms. He carried her to the bassinette and tucked her soft pink blanket in around her. He walked down the hall and pulled a blanket from the closet and covered Olivia. He leaned down and gently kissed her forehead then stood to check on the baby once more before heading to the bedroom. He placed a soft kiss on the top of the baby's head, then checked the heat to make sure it would be warm enough with the baby in the apartment and headed to bed.

It was around six o'clock the next morning when Elliot woke up and made his way down the hall and into the living room. Olivia laid still asleep on the couch and seemed to be resting well. He made his way to the bassinette to look in on the baby. Elliot peeked over the edge to see the bright eyed baby girl looking up at him.

"Good morning angel," he said with a smile. She stirred around a little and sucked on her fist, but didn't make a sound. Elliot pulled a diaper from the diaper bag and changed her then carried her to the kitchen to prepare her a bottle.

He held the baby in one arm as he pulled the bottle of breast milk from the refrigerator and dropped it into a cup of hot water to warm the milk.

"I'll tell you what kid, I think you should hang out with uncle El for a while and let your mommy catch up on her sleep." The baby closed her little fists around his fingers and looked up at him making little grunting sounds. "I was thinking maybe after breakfast you and I could take another look at that name book. See if we can't find something you like. What do you think?"

She grunted again and stared up at him as he slipped the bottle into her mouth. Elliot carried her into the living room and picked up the book as he took a seat in a chair across the room from Olivia.

Half an hour later, Olivia opened her tired eyes to see Elliot sitting in the chair holding the baby and reading to her from the book. She smiled as she raised up a little to look at them.

"Everything okay?" She asked.

"Yeah. We got up early and put on a dry diaper. Then we had some breakfast and now we are reading a book."

"I see that. Find anything interesting?"

"I've got one. I love it. I think you'll like it, too."

"What is that?"

"Savannah."

Olivia thought about it for a minute as she looked at her daughter.

"It's really pretty. I love it. Savannah."

"Savannah Brooke. Savannah Brooke Benson."

"Oh my God, El. I think you just named my daughter."

"You like it? We've been working on it all morning."

"I love it. Savannah Brooke Benson. It fits her."

"You think so?" He asked looking into the baby's eyes.

Olivia picked her up and kissed her softly. She watched as the baby held tight to her fingers. "Savannah Brooke Benson. Yes," she said looking back up at Elliot. "She finally has a name."


	9. 9 Insomnia

_Learning To Love With A Broken Heart_

_(Chapter Nine: Insomnia)_

Olivia laid across the couch watching some Disney movie with Elliot and the baby. Elliot sat at the other end holding Savannah in his lap as some cartoon character sang yet another song. Obviously he was more adjusted to having kids than she was. Olivia yawned and blinked her heavy eyes.

"Hey," Elliot said squeezing her foot.

"Hmm?"

"Why don't you take the bed tonight? Stretch out and relax. I'll sleep in here with her. You look like you could use a good nights sleep."

"I don't want to take your bed."

Elliot laughed. "It's okay. I don't sleep in there. I sleep in the guest room."

"Why would you do that?"

"I don't know. It just seemed strange. That is your bedroom. It always has been."

Olivia smiled and rubbed her hand over her face. "I'll be okay. I haven't been able to sleep."

"Insomnia."

"Well, I slept a few hours last night. But that is probably the first time since I brought her home from the hospital."

"It's insomnia. Probably brought on by all of the change in your lifestyle. The baby and the move. It will pass."

"Yeah."

"Liv, go on. Get some rest. We'll be just fine."

"I should try to nurse her. And she'll get up a couple of times wanting to be fed."

"You have bottles ready. I can manage for a few hours. Honey, you are exhausted."

"Okay," she said taking the baby. "I'm gonna go try to nurse her and then I'll lay down." She carried Savannah down the hall to the bedroom to nurse her.

Elliot stretched out across the couch and continued watching their movie. Olivia returned about twenty minutes later and handed Savannah to Elliot.

"She ate good," she said kissing the baby and brushing her fingers through her hair. "She should be ready to go to sleep before long. If you have any trouble…."

"I know where to find you. Olivia, it's okay. I have taken care of babies dozens of times. And we are twenty feet away if you want to check on her."

"Okay, so I am over reacting. It's my right as her mother."

Elliot smiled. "Savannah, say good night to mommy."

"Good night sweetheart. Mommy loves you," Olivia said kissing her daughter's forehead. "Thanks, El."

"No problem."

That night Olivia slipped into a tee shirt and a pair of pajama pants then climbed under the blankets in her old bed. She exhaled and stared up at the ceiling. She turned her head to stare at the familiar shadows cast on the wall by the blue light seeping between the blinds. She closed her eyes and tried to get some sleep.

****

_**Olivia rolled over and opened her eyes to see him sleeping beside her. She smiled and scooted in against him laying her head against his chest. Trevor raised his arm and closed it around her. She loved the way his arms felt around her.**_

"_**Are you going to miss me?" He asked softly.**_

_**Olivia laughed. "What are you talking about?"**_

"_**I'm talking about me going to Buffalo for three weeks to get the new office up and running."**_

"_**Of course, I will miss you. I still don't understand why it has to be you that goes."**_

"_**Olivia, the name of the firm is Henshall & Langan. It makes sense that either David Henshall or myself be there to oversee the project. David has been there for the past month. I told him I would go for a few weeks."**_

"_**It just sucks. Three weeks is a long time."**_

"_**I know baby," he said laying down beside her in the bed. "But I have a suite rented at a nice hotel. You can come visit me. We'll order room service and spent the weekends making love. It will be nice. You'll get to see the new building. Get out of here for a few days."**_

"_**It still sucks."**_

_**Trevor laughed. "I know. But it is only three weeks. Then I will be back in Manhattan. And right here beside you, where I belong."**_

_**Olivia smiled and snuggled in against him.**_

"_**I love you, Olivia."**_

"_**I love you, Trevor."**_

"_**And when I get home, we'll start making plans for the wedding. And in six months, you will be my wife."**_

****

Olivia raised her hand to block the glow of the sunlight from her eyes. She yawned and stretched as she sat up in the bed. She felt amazing. She hadn't slept that good in a long time.

She stood up and made her way to the living room to greet her baby girl. As she entered the room she noticed Elliot stretched out on the couch asleep. She moved to the bassinette to see Savannah looking up at her.

"Good morning Savannah," she said with a smile.

Olivia scooped the baby up in her arms and kissed her. She grabbed the diaper bag and carried the baby back to the bedroom with her. She laid Savannah on the bed and changed her diaper and got her dressed. She held her daughter in her arms and scooted back in the bed to nurse the baby. Afterward Olivia laid Savannah down beside her in the bed and played with her for a little while.

She carried her daughter into the kitchen where she placed her in her car seat. She sat the seat up on the counter and pulled some food from the refrigerator to make breakfast.

Elliot woke to the smell of bacon and coffee and made his way to the kitchen to check it out.

"Hey. Savannah and I thought we would make uncle Elliot breakfast."

"That was very sweet," he said tugging at the baby's little foot. "Are you helping mommy?"

"Coffee," Olivia said handing him a cup.

"How did you sleep?"

"Wonderfully. It was like I laid down and half an hour later I was awake. But I was fully recharged. I feel great."

"Good."

"How did things go with you two last night?"

"Fine. I let her stay up late and watch scary movies. Then we ate junk food until we passed out."

Olivia laughed.

"She wok up three times to be changed and fed, then went right back to sleep. She is a very good girl." Elliot leaned over and kissed the top of Savannah's head.

"I was thinking about some things last night before I fell asleep. And I think I know why I can't sleep."

"Why is that?"

"It isn't the baby or adjusting to having her, because I slept better here on the couch and got up with her every few hours. I think it's the apartment."

"What's wrong with the apartment?"

"Nothing is wrong with it. It is just that it is Trevor's apartment, you know? I am trying to sleep in his apartment, in his room, in his bed, without him. I think maybe I made a mistake by moving in there."

"Well, you know I still have my place until the end of the month. All I have to do is let them know I'm not moving. You could have this place back."

"But it really isn't big enough with the baby."

"It is for now. You take your old room back and I will get her moved into the guest room."

"What do I do with Trevor's place?"

"Keep it. Or sell it, if you want. Or you could rent it out. But you don't have to do anything right away. Think about it for a little while. Maybe I rushed you into moving into Trevor's place. I didn't mean to do that. I just thought maybe that way you could have the bigger place and still feel close to him."

"I just think maybe I was a little too close. I was also thinking maybe I could just start looking for my own place. For Savannah and I. Bigger than this one, but not Trevor's place. I'm gonna call the real estate agency tomorrow."

"You could move back in here until you find another place. Like I said, I still have my place. And the guest room would make a perfect nursery."

"What if the baby and I slept in my old room? Just until I find another apartment. Then you could stay in the guest room and keep the apartment when we move out. She sleeps in the bassinette right now anyway and I can leave the nursery stuff set up at Trevor's until I find another apartment. I if you wouldn't mind sharing your place, that is?"

"Not at all. I think it is a great idea. Then there is no rush for you to find another place. You can take your time and find one that is right for you."

" I also have to go tomorrow and fill out some paperwork for Savannah."

"What kind of paperwork?"

"She will receive social security benefits until she it eighteen. Because of Trevor's death. I have to take her in and they want a paternity test of course, to prove she is his. But I am going to set up a savings account in her name and have her checks deposited into it for her. I don't really need the money to take care of her, but that way I know she will have money later for a car or college or whatever. He had no living relatives and we had already changed our wills, so Trevor left a lot of stuff to me. The apartment, his savings and even his half of the law firm in both locations. I want to set up a trust for Savannah, also. But I couldn't do any of this until I had a name for her and I get her new birth certificate back with her name on it."

"That is really smart."

"I want to know my baby is taken care of should anything happen to me."

"Olivia don't talk like that."

"Elliot, not talking about it doesn't keep it from happening. No one would have ever guessed anything like this would happen to Trevor. But it did. If he hadn't thought to prepare for something like this then I would probably be struggling to support my child."

"He promised he would take care of you."

"He has. And it is my job to take care of her. I need to have my will updated. And if anything should happen to me, I want you and Casey to take care of her."

"Me and Casey?"

"Elliot, you are my best friend and the entire reason I have her now. If it wasn't for you I would have given her up for adoption and someone else would be raising her. You love her, I know that. And she adores you. But with the risk of our job, I need to have a second choice as well. Casey loves her, too. And I know that between the two of you Savannah would be well taken care of."

Elliot smiled at the baby. "It just scares me that you ever have to think about stuff like that."

"Well, don't worry. I plan on being around for a long time. I just want to know things are taken care of if something happens I can't be. I want to be prepared."

Elliot wrapped his arms around Olivia and hugged her.

"I promise you, that is if should ever come to that point I will take good care of her."

"I know you will, that is why I chose you. Because no one else loves her like I do. No one but you."

"I do, Liv. I love her like she was my own. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for this little girl."

Olivia smiled. "And there is no one else I would even consider for a Godfather. I guess what I am trying to say is that I would like to make it official and legal. I want you and Casey to be Savannah's Godparents."

Elliot smiled. "I would love to. I would be honored."

"Thank you, Elliot. You don't know what this means to me, that you would do this."

"You don't know what it means to me, that you would ask."

"I still have to talk to Casey about it, then I will work out details."

Elliot kissed her forehead.

"But for now, lets eat. Before breakfast gets cold."


	10. 10 Savannah's Day

_Learning To Love With A Broken Heart_

_(Chapter Ten: Savannah's Day)_

Olivia sat in a small room in the back of the church holding her eight week old daughter and feeding her a bottle of breast milk. The baby grunted and stared up at her mother moving her little fingers over Olivia's hand.

"There almost ready," Elliot said as he stepped into the room.

"We'll be there in a minute. She is almost finished," Olivia said smiling up at him.

She placed a burp cloth over her shoulder and burped the baby then laid her down in her carrier.

"We have to get your dress on angel. Everybody's waiting for us."

Savannah smiled up at Olivia and cooed, kicking her little feet around.

"Mommy will tell you a secret. Just between us girls," Olivia said slipping the ruffly dress of the little baby's head. "This is your day, Savannah. And when it is your day, it is okay to be a little late. People will wait for you. Let them wait. Don't let anyone rush you through life. Live at your own pace."

Olivia pulled the little white tights onto her daughter and slipped her diaper cover on. She took a lacy white baby headband from the diaper bag and placed it on the baby's little head, then smoother her dark hair down with her fingertips.

Olivia wrapped her soft white blanket around her and stood up adjusting her own dress and hair. She scooped up her daughter and walked out of the room. Just outside the door stood Casey and Elliot waiting for them.

"We ready?" Elliot asked.

"We're ready," Olivia replied with a smile as she kissed her baby girl.

Olivia stood in the center holding her daughter. Casey stood on her left and Elliot on her right as the Priest brushed a bit of Holy water across Savannah's head.

Olivia listened with tears in her eyes as her daughter made her happy little baby sounds and sucked on her fist. Elliot and Casey spoke their vows as Savannah's Godparents. She watched her baby girl as she listened to the words the Priest spoke.

"I bless you, Savannah Brooke Benson, in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit."

Olivia shifted her eyes to look at Elliot as a tear rolled down her cheek. She smiled at him realizing his eyes were misty as well. Elliot reached to her and squeezed her hand in his. When the ceremony was finished the Priest held Savannah up to the group of Olivia's friends and coworkers who were there as witnesses.

That afternoon after a celebration gathering at a local restaurant, Elliot drove Olivia and Savannah back to the apartment. Olivia carried the tired little girl into the bathroom and gave her a warm bath. She rubbed her down with baby lotion and put a sleeper on her, then carried her to the other room to nurse her.

Olivia took Savannah into the living room. "Would you like to tell your Goddaughter good night?"

Elliot took the little girl in his arms as she stared up at him and smiled. "Hey there pretty girl. Uncle Elliot is so proud of you." He cradled her in his arms. "I love the way she smells just after a bath. So sweet and soft. I love her so much, Liv."

Olivia smiled and smoothed her fingers through the baby's hair. "I know exactly how you feel."

Elliot kissed Savannah and handed her back to Olivia. "Good night baby girl. I will see you tomorrow. Sweet dreams angel."

Olivia tucked Savannah into the bassinette in the bedroom then returned to the living room. She sat down on the sofa as he brought her a cup of tea to help her unwind.

"I spoke to a woman today about an apartment."

"Really? Where?"

"Actually it is in Trevor's building."

"I thought the real estate woman said there wasn't anything open. That there was a list of people waiting to get into that building and you shouldn't have any trouble selling it?"

Olivia laughed. "It wasn't the real estate woman I spoke with. It was Mrs. Johnston from the fourth floor. She lived in the building with her children and husband. Her daughter got married last year. And the youngest just went away to college. They are looking to downsize. I saw her when I stopped by to pick up the mail. She asked me how the baby was doing. And I explained to her that we were looking for a place to move."

"So she wants to sell you her apartment?"

"Yes. It is bigger than Trevor's. More living space and an extra bedroom."

"You need a bigger place than Trevor's?"

"I love that building. The neighborhood is perfect. The security is good. The apartments are great. Good neighbors."

"They are amazing apartments."

"And this place would be ours. Mine and Savannah's. Not Trevor's. And they want to buy Trevor's apartment."

"But do you really need all of those bedrooms?"

"Well, one for me and one for her. A guest room and an office. And I was thinking…."

Elliot looked over at her.

"I was thinking," she continued, "maybe Uncle Elliot could come stay with us."

"You don't want your own place?"

"I like having you around," she said with a smile. "Besides, I still don't fully know what I am doing. I could use the help. And you would get to spend more time with your Goddaughter."

"True. But I have my kids every other weekend."

"I have room, Elliot. We can set up the guest room and office with beds for the kids. Please, Elliot."

"Do you realize what you are taking on here? Me and five kids. Well, three. The older girls don't stay anymore, now that they are both in college."

"Look El, we could try it out for a while. If it doesn't work out for some reason or you are not comfortable with it then you can move back in here at any time. Please. You are the only family we have. And I think that family is really good for both of us right now. And I want you and the kids in her life."

"Okay. If this is what you really want. We can try it out. But if at any time it becomes difficult for you let me know."

"Okay." Olivia leaned over and hugged him. "Thank you so much."


	11. 11 A New Life

_Learning To Live With A Broken Heart_

_(Chapter Eleven: A New Life)_

Olivia tucked the last of her things into a box and pushed it along the carpet to the front of the apartment for the guys to carry upstairs. The furniture, what she was taking anyway, had already been moved up there. Lucky for her the Johnston's had a vacation planned and recruited movers to pack up all of their things and move them into storage until they returned from their trip. This allowed Olivia a few extra days to get her things out of Trevor's apartment and moved upstairs before they moved in.

"There," she said as she stood up and dusted off her hands. She looked over at Savannah in her carrier kicking and smiling. "In another day or so we will be all settled into our new apartment with Uncle Elliot," Olivia cooed to her daughter before kissing her gently. "I think that was a very good idea you had to ask him to live with us. You really like Elliot, don't you?" Olivia stared down at the baby as if she expected the little girl to verbalize an answer. "Mommy is glad you guys are so close. He is the closest thing you have to a daddy and it is liable to be that way for a while. Mommy just isn't sure if she could ever love anyone else the way she loved daddy. So for a little while at least, it is just going to be you and me. And Uncle Elliot of course. Is that alright with you?"

Olivia sat up and cleared her throat wiping away a tear that hadn't quite had the chance to fall yet as she heard the door open behind her. She turned and looked over her shoulder to see Elliot watching her. She smiled a warm smile and he winked at her.

"What about this stuff?" Fin asked.

"No, just the boxes by the door. The rest of the furniture is staying," Olivia replied.

She scooped up her baby girl and carried her to the elevator.

"We got the nursery all set up," Elliot said kissing the baby on her forehead. "I know it is about time for her nap.

"I'm gonna nurse her and lay her down, then I'll order some lunch for everyone."

"Sounds great," Elliot replied with a smile. "After lunch the guys and I will head over to the other apartment and start bringing my stuff over. That should give you some time to start situating all of this and maybe have a little alone time to unpack or whatever."

"Elliot, I am really glad that you are moving in here with us."

"So am I, Liv." Elliot kissed her forehead gently.

"You don't realize how much you have helped me since I lost Trevor. I don't think I would have made it this long with out you."

"This long?"

"Through the pregnancy and birth and being a mother. And this whole apartment thing. It's just hard, you know. I still miss him so much. I want to get over this and be able to move on. But I don't know if I will ever fully be over him. Every time I think that I have made progress, something happens and I am reminded of how much I loved him and haw much I miss him. And how she will never know him."

"Liv, there is nothing that says you ever have to get over him. He was a big part of your life. You have his child, he will always be a big part of your life. There is nothing wrong with loving him forever. But eventually, when you are ready, you will learn to love again. And anyone who cares enough about you to want to be with you should understand how you feel about Trevor."

"You really think so?"

"Yeah, I do."

Olivia smiled. "Thanks, El."

"No problem sweetheart."

Olivia tucked Savannah into crib in her new bedroom. She turned on the mobile and watched her daughter yawn as the sounds of the soft lullaby began to fill the nursery. Within seconds Savannah closed her little eyes and was sound asleep.

Olivia walked back into the living room of her new apartment and pressed number six on the memory in her cell phone to call she and Elliot's favorite pizza place. She ordered lunch for their group of friends who had helped them both with the move.

They all sat down to eat around the table just moments after Fin and Elliot settled it into it's proper place in the dining room under the crystal and black iron chandelier. Olivia had enough beer and pizza to feed a small army, as she herself settled for a slice of classic pepperoni, a couple of buffalo wings and a mineral water.

"This place is amazing," Fin said looking around the open layout of the large apartment. "My entire apartment would fit inside your living room."

Olivia smiled. "Thank you, Fin. I loved the apartments and the building. The neighbors are all so kind and the neighborhood is about as good as it gets for New York. I loved being here, I just couldn't be in Trevor's apartment. It was too much him. This place is our place. Mine and Savannah's. I think this is the perfect place to raise a baby."

"I feel better about you being alone with the baby, knowing you are in a safe building. I love that they have security and valet parking will come in handy," he replied. "Not that the old place was in a bad neighborhood. But I think you are right, this is a very good place for you and the baby."

"It is sweet that you worry, Fin. But it isn't necessary. Especially now that Elliot has agreed to move in with us for a while. He helps so much with the baby. Savannah adores her uncle Elliot. And I am still clueless about so many things about parenting, he's a Godsend. And it is nice to have a grown up around to talk to."

After lunch Olivia laid down for a short nap while Elliot and the crew headed over to his apartment to load up his stuff. When they returned an hour later Olivia greeted them at the door with a wide eyed baby girl. Savannah watched from the comfort of her mother's arms as the guys carried in boxes of Elliot's belongings and the furniture for his bedroom.

They rearranged furniture and unpacked boxes for hours until the new apartment finally began to look and feel like home. That evening Elliot and Olivia cooked their first dinner in their new place. Olivia lit a few candles as Elliot put on some dinner music and they sat little Savannah on the end of the table in her bouncy seat as they enjoyed their meal.

After dinner was bath time. Olivia gave Savannah her bath first. Then she put the baby girl into her soft sleeper and took her to Elliot to entertain while Olivia got a shower. He laid a blanket in the floor of the living room and laid down placing Savannah on her belly. Elliot smiled and talked baby talk to her as she raised her little head up to look at him. She cooed and smiled as he spoke softly and sweetly to her. Elliot picked up a rattle and shook it as he dragged it across the blanket in front of her. He watched as she smiled again and followed the toy with her big brown eyes.

"Hey you two," Olivia said with a soft smile as she returned from her shower. "Looks like you guys are having fun."

"Getting in a little tummy time. She is following the toy with her eyes now. And holding her head up longer. She is doing really good."

"Yeah, my little girl is growing up. It wont be long and I will be helping her get ready for her first date," Olivia said with tears in her eyes.

"Let's not rush her, Liv. Besides, Savannah and I have had a little talk about boys and we decided that she wont be doing any dating until she is at least thirty."

Olivia laughed. "You did, huh?"

"Yeah. We decided boys are trouble. And by the time she finishes college and medical school and gets her practice up and running, she'll be about thirty before she has time to worry about dating."

"A doctor, huh?"

"That's what she says, anyway. Sounded good to me."

"What kind of doctor does she want to be?"

"She hasn't quite decided. Either a pediatrician or a Veterinarian."

"Oh. Well either way is fine with mommy as long as you are happy," Olivia said with a smile as she placed the rattle in Savannah's hand and closed her tiny fist around it.

"She is going to do amazing things, Liv. I can feel it."

Olivia smiled. "Well, I think she is finished doing amazing things for tonight. It is past her bedtime." Olivia scooped the baby up in her arms and kissed her. "I'm going to nurse her and get her settled into her crib."

"I'll find us a movie and make some popcorn."

"Sounds great," she said as Elliot kissed the baby.

"I'll see you in the morning kiddo. Uncle Elliot will show you how to make pancakes."

Savannah smiled at Elliot and yawned.

"Good night baby doll," he said with a smile.

Olivia walked into the nursery and turned on a little lamp Casey had bought for the nursery that projected stars onto the ceiling. She turned out the overhead light and turned on the music of the mobile. She sat down in the rocking chair and nursed Savannah as they both relaxed to the peaceful sights and sounds around them. Olivia rocked her daughter gently, humming to her until the little girl had drifted off to sleep. She placed Savannah in her crib and turned on the baby monitor.

"It is nice to finally have the move out of the way," she said as she sat down on the couch beside Elliot to watch a movie.

"Yeah. Did you get your room set up?"

"Well, everything I need for tonight anyway. I will work on unpacking the boxes tomorrow. But this place is already starting to feel like home. You get your stuff unpacked?"

Elliot laughed. "The bed is set up. That is all I need tonight."

Olivia smiled. "You know that Savannah is probably going to wake you up when she gets up three times a night to be fed?"

"I have had babies before, Liv. I don't think she could possibly throw anything at me I have not had to face before."

"It wont bother you being woke up three times a night by someone else's baby?"

"Nah, I'll get used to it. And once she gets a little bigger and will take a bottle, I can alternate getting up with her for midnight feedings."

"You would do that?"

"Of course. I love this kid. In some strange way it almost feels like she is ours. I mean like ours, together."

"Yeah, it kind of does feel like that. But I am glad that she has you in her life. A positive male figure. I guess she doesn't have a father anymore. So it is good she has someone who cares so much about her."

"Olivia, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you or that baby."

Olivia smiled. "I know."

Elliot brushed his hand across her forehead pushing her hair from her eyes. "That little girl is very much loved by everyone around her. I thank God every day that you decided to keep her. I know it has been hard, but I think this was the best thing for you and her. It was hard enough for you to have to deal with losing Trevor without losing your baby, too."

"I think if I had given her up, I would have regretted it every day of my life. But I have not once regretted keeping her." She exhaled and laid back against the couch. "I do wonder though…."

"Wonder what?"

"How your kids will react to her. And to us living together. Do you think it will be strange for them?"

"My kids are going to love her. Everyone who meets her does. Little Savannah definitely has her mother's charm. And they like you. I think they will adjust to us living together. And if they have a problem with it then I'll move back to the other apartment. But I really don't think it will be a problem. I mean, it isn't like we are sleeping in the same room or anything. We're friends, roommates. My kids understand that."

Olivia smiled again. "Good. I just don't want to upset them. Maybe you should have talked to them before we did this."

"It will be fine, Liv. Don't worry about them. All you need to worry about is you and that little angel sleeping in the next room. I think everything is going to be just fine. Trust me. This new living arrangement is the beginning of a whole new life for you and for her. And I am going to be here for both of you, always. No matter what."

"Thank you," she said softly. "I know I never tell you this, but I need you. Not just to help me figure out this parenting stuff, but just to have my best friend here with me helps so much. I don't know what I would ever do without you."

"Lucky for you, you'll never have to find out." Elliot winked at her.

Olivia smiled back at him. She yawned and stretched then settled in to watch the movie.


	12. 12 A Change Of Pace

_Learning To Live With A Broken Heart_

_(Chapter Twelve: A Change Of Pace)_

Olivia laid in bed as the sounds of her happy four and a half month old daughter over the baby monitor. She stretched and rolled over to look at the monitor on the nightstand beside her bed as she heard the baby girl giggle. She sat up in her bed and picked up the monitor, smiling down at it.

Olivia slipped on her robe and made her way down the hall to Savannah's nursery.

"Good morning angel," She said as she pushed the door open and smiled at the baby in the crib.

Savannah cooed and smiled as she opened and closed her hand, studying her fingers as she did. Olivia picked the baby up and laid her down on the changing table. She put a fresh diaper on the baby girl, then sat with her in the rocking chair to nurse the baby.

After feeding her breakfast Olivia carried her daughter into the living room and laid her on a blanket in the floor for a little play time. She laid on the floor beside the baby and shook a rattle gently above her head as the baby girl stretched out her little arms and reached for it.

"Do you want to hold it?" Olivia cooed to her daughter as she lowered the rattle for Savannah to touch.

The little girl got so excited she kicked and flailed her arms around and cooed back to her mother. Olivia opened Savannah's little hand and then closed it around the rattle. She shook the baby's hand gently making the little multicolored beads inside the clear plastic ball move around and make noise. Savannah smiled and cooed and giggled as she kicked her feet.

"You like the rattle, don't you? Are you laughing for mommy?" Savannah smiled up at her and cooed again as if she were trying to speak to her mother. "You are such a pretty girl," Olivia smiled kissing the little girl's forehead.

"Good morning," Elliot said as he walked into the living room. "Hi Savannah," he cooed waving at the baby.

"Coffee is ready," Olivia said as she picked up her daughter and carried her into the kitchen.

She put Savannah in her bouncy seat on the kitchen counter. "Would you like some eggs?" She asked with a smile. "I was thinking about making an omelet, I could make you one too."

"That sounds good," Elliot said cooing to the baby as he tugged on her little foot causing her to kick and bounce. "You know I don't think I have ever really seen her upset. I mean she cries now and then to let us know she is hungry or needs changed, but it is like since she learned to smile that is pretty much all she does. She is a very happy little girl."

"I hope so," Olivia said looking over at her daughter.

"She is. She smiles all of the time and coos and kicks. She is a happy kid. You are doing a great job. I told you that you would be a good mother."

"Maybe I just got a good baby," Olivia said leaning forward on the counter to watch as Elliot played with Savannah. "She laughed this morning."

"She did?"

"Yeah. Twice. I woke up to hear her little giggle over the baby monitor. Then when we were playing in here she did it again."

"How cute. Do you think you can get her to do it again?"

"I don't know. I can try." Olivia picked the rattle up off the counter and shook it over the baby. Savannah looked up at it mesmerized and made a little "ooh" sound, but did not laugh. "Come on, show uncle Elliot what you can do."

The baby stared at her as if she had no idea what her mother was talking about. "Oh, come on." Olivia picked up a hand towel from the counter and held it up so Savannah couldn't see her.

"Oh no Savannah, where did mommy go?" Elliot asked as the baby stared at him.

"Boo!" Olivia said as she dropped the towel down and smiled at the baby.

Savannah smiled and giggled as she reached for her mother.

"There she is!" Elliot said smiling at the little girl.

Savannah grinned and cooed as she reached for Olivia.

"Good girl," Olivia said scooping up the baby and kissing her.

"She is the cutest baby and uncle El's buddy. Why don't you let me take her for a little bit?"

"Okay and I will get some breakfast going."

After Elliot and Olivia ate breakfast they packed up the diaper bag and took little Savannah to visit the precinct. Olivia sat at her desk while Munch walked around the room talking baby talk to her daughter.

"She looks more like you every day."

"I still think she looks like Trevor."

"I can see that, but she looks like you too."

Olivia had been taking a sabbatical from work since giving birth to Savannah. She had decided to take longer than the normal six to eight week maternity leave and focus on building a life for herself and for her daughter. The truth was she had been really reevaluating her life. Her baby daughter would never know her father and because of that fact Olivia was a little unsure about returning to such a dangerous line of work. It worried her to think of the risk she was taking if she did return to her work with the SVU.

Olivia loved her job and given a choice, there was no other job she would want. But her priorities had changed when she lost Trevor. Olivia had made a promise to herself and to the baby inside her that their family would always come first. Savannah was her world and she had to do what was best for her child. Even if that meant giving up the career she loved so much.

For now she was just taking a break. Thanks to Trevor they were well set up and Olivia didn't have to be in any big rush to return to work. So for now, she was just taking some time off to think things through and be with her baby.

"Elliot," she asked looking up from her crime novel.

"Yeah?"

"If I had to change careers….not be a cop…what could you see me doing?"

Elliot muted his ball game and looked over at her. "Olivia, you love being an SVU detective. What's going on?"

"Nothing," she said running her fingers through her hair and scratching her scalp. "It's nothing."

Elliot turned off the television and laid the remote on the coffee table. He stood up from his chair and moved to sit beside her on the sofa. "Spill it."

"I'm just not sure if I should go back."

"Wouldn't you miss it?"

"Of course I would. And I would miss working with you. But I am the only parent she has left. And it would be more than a little responsible for me to return to a career that requires me to be away from her so many hours a day and is so dangerous."

"I have kids."

"That is different."

"How? If I got ki…"

"Don't…" she almost cried and Elliot could see the tears pooling behind her big brown eyes.

"If anything ever happened to me, I would be leaving five children without a father."

"Yes. And that would be awful. I pray to God nothing like that ever happens. But those children would still have their mother, Elliot. Savannah would have no one."

"She has me, Liv."

Olivia closed her eyes and drew a staggered breath and he knew she was crying.

"Hey, I didn't mean to upset you."

"No. It wasn't you. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Trying to avoid thinking about it a lot lately. But it is something I need to face. I am a mother now, I have to think about things like this. I have to plan my life out responsibly, because it isn't just about me anymore. Everything I do or everything I don't do for that matter, effects her. I have one shot at this, Elliot. I am the only parent she has. I can't screw this up."

"Relax. Liv, you are doing just fine. She is a happy little girl. She is healthy and very much loved. Look, I promise you that baby will never do without anything. I understand what you are saying, Liv. I think you should trust your instinct on this. If you don't think that this is the right career choice for you anymore….no one can know that but you. But as far as your priorities go, I think that you have them figured out. Since the moment you decided to keep Savannah you have always put her first. That is part of what makes you a good mother."

Olivia smiled and looked into his eyes. "Thank you."

Elliot smiled back at her and wiped away a tear.

"It's just hard to know that of all the things in the world that I could give to her, I can never bring her father back." Olivia closed her eyes for a moment as she wiped away her tears once more. "I know what it is like to grow up with out a father. I just wanted things to be different for my kids, better, you know?"

"Someday you will meet someone who will sweep you off your feet. And he will love you and Savannah, unconditionally. He will be her father."

"No, El. I already met him. And he's never coming back."

Elliot leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her hugging her tight.

"You will find love again. Someday, when you are ready for it."

"I think it will be a while before I am even close to ready for anything like that. Right now I could never imagine myself with another man. It still gets to me, you know? I finally had the kind of love I waited my entire life to find, then it was just ripped away from me when he was killed. It is hard to even believe in love after something like that. And to be completely honest it has really made me struggle with my faith as well."

"Honey, I know it is hard to understand. But God would never do something like this just to hurt you. I don't think he sits around up there plotting his vengeance. Sometimes horrible things happen. And holding on to the belief that there is a better place out there somewhere helps to us to cope."

"You sound like you don't believe."

"I do. I believe in God. And I believe in Heaven. There are too many wonderful blessings in this world to not have someone really amazing behind all of it. But I also know how hard it is to hold on to your faith when something like this happens. The way I see it…if God didn't exist, then none of us would have ever been created and you would have never had the chance to love him in the first place. We never really know why we lose people and the hurt and anger are natural. But over time it does get better. God is here, Liv. That beautiful little girl in there is proof. I think maybe he knew how much you loved Trevor. And he knew taking him from you would break your heart. So he gave you Savannah so that you would always have a part of Trevor with you and to help ease the pain of losing him."

"If I didn't have her, I don't think I could have survived losing him."

"See?" Elliot said kissing her forehead.

Olivia smiled and hugged him again. "Thank you."

"You feel better now?"

"I do. But you never answered my question. If I didn't do this anymore, if I don't go back, what should I do?"

"Well," Elliot said leaning back and thinking for a moment. "What is your dream job? If you could pick any career in the world, everything else aside, what would it be?"

"This. This was my dream. I have wanted to work SVU since I knew there was such a thing. I just sort of felt like it was my calling or something."

"You are really good at it. What if you stayed in this field, but just changed to something less dangerous. Like when you went to computer crimes for a while. I am sure they would be glad to have you back there. Of course I would miss working with you, but the hours are better and you don't get shot at as much."

Olivia nodded considering it.

"Or maybe go back to school and become a therapist. You are so good with the victims. That would be a wonderful way to help them. And you would be good at it."

"Yeah, El and I think I would love that. But we are talking years of school here. I need something now."

"Not really, Olivia. Financially you are set. You have a trust set up for the baby and between the money you have and the money from Trevor's half of the firm….honestly you probably wouldn't have to work again if you didn't want to. Or at least until Savannah is in school. Maybe you should just take this time to stay home with your baby."

"It is so hard to imagine her old enough to go to school."

"I know. But trust me, it will happen before you know it. They grow so fast and it sort of sneaks up on you. One day you wake up and they are in college."

Olivia laughed. "It is not really that I need to go back financially, more like I feel that I am ready emotionally. It is time for me to start putting my life back together. It is what is best for my daughter."

"Were you happy working in computer crimes?"

"I guess so. It was different being away from you guys. But I was good at it. Maybe I should check into that. At least for a while. I just think that to go back to the SVU, until she is a little older anyway, is just too big a risk. I think I'll go talk to Cragen and see what he thinks about the idea."

The following day at work Elliot sat at his desk as Munch and Fin returned from chasing down a lead. Fin looked up to see Olivia walk out of Cragen's office. She walked past Elliot and he picked up the car seat with her sleeping daughter in it. Fin watched as they spoke for a moment, too softly for him to hear what they were saying. Elliot kissed the baby and Olivia walked toward the door.

"Hey Liv," Fin said nodding in her direction.

"Hey," she said waving as she opened the door toward the hall. "I'm sorry I don't have time to stay and talk. She has a doctor's appointment."

"Well, it was good to see you."

"Good to see you guys, too."

Fin watched as Olivia stepped into the elevator with the baby. Something about her little visit today seemed a bit strange.

"So Liv's back?" He asked Cragen as he stepped out of his office.

"No, actually. She is transferring back to computer crimes. She'll still help us out now and then when we need her, but she isn't coming back."

Munch and Fin both turned and looked back at Elliot sitting at his desk.

"What?"

"You're just gonna let her go without a fight?" Munch asked. "Everyone in this room knows that she is the best detective in the SVU."

"It's her decision, John. This is what is right for her. And I happen to think it is a good idea."

"You do?" Fin asked.

"Yeah. SVU was her dream. But now that she is a single mother, she decided it was time she found a safer dream. I fully support her decision. Doesn't mean I am not going to miss her here," he said pointing to her desk. "But lets face it, there is a lot less chance of her being seriously injured or even killed when she is sitting behind a desk. She didn't know how to tell you guys, so she asked me to do it."

"I'm gonna miss her," Fin replied. "But I understand it. That baby can't lose another parent. She made the choice that was right for her and she has my support as well."

"I think we should have had a little going away party or something for her, though. Olivia has been the heart of the SVU for over eleven years now. She can't just leave without some sort of goodbye," Munch said.

"We could still do something for her," Cragen suggested. "She is nervous about our reaction to her decision. Maybe it would be a good way to show her that she will be missed, but we still support her." He turned and looked over at Elliot. "Do you think you can get her in to Smitty's tonight?"

"Sure."

Smitty's was the name the new owners had given to the little bar they had always hung out in after work. Last year the former owner had a mild heart attack and was forced to sell out and retire. The new people came along and added on to the building making it larger. They took out the old juke box in the corner and the pool tables turning the little bar into a now larger family friendly steak house. The bar still existed but the cost of the drinks went up, forcing their gang to find another place to hang out after a bad day. All of this had gone on around the same time Olivia had realized she was pregnant. And it had been about that long since she had actually gone to just hang out with their group of friends.

"Eight o'clock sharp. Everyone else meet me there early so we have time to get something set up."

"Nothing too wild. Right?" Elliot asked. "We'll probably have the baby with us."

"Little Savannah is definitely invited."

"Alright," Elliot said picking his jacket to head off to court. "I'll mention it to Casey."


	13. 13 Surviving

_Learning To Love With A Broken Heart_

_(Chapter Thirteen: Surviving)_

Dinner was sitting on the stove when Elliot arrived home. He called out to Olivia, but there was no answer. He heard the happy baby sounds coming from the living room and made his was in to greet the brown eyed baby girl.

Nine month old Savannah was standing at the ottoman in the center of the room, playing with some blocks. She pointed and smiled at him then dropped to her butt on the floor and crawled over to him.

"Up," she cooed smiling and reaching for Elliot to hold her.

"Well, hello to you too," he said picking the baby up in his arms. Elliot kissed Savannah and rubbed his nose against hers. "Hey princess, look what I have for you." He pulled a pink and white stuffed puppy dog from the bag of stuff he had brought home with him and handed it to her.

Elliot watched as Savannah cooed her thanks and giggled and she thrashed the toy around in excitement. He carried her around the room, bouncing her gently as he called for Olivia once more.

"Where is your mommy?" He said straightening a brown pig tail between his fingertips and letting it bounce back into place.

"Ma," she said pointing to the balcony door across the living room.

Elliot walked toward the door to see Olivia standing on the balcony looking out over the city. He kissed Savannah's forehead and sat her back down with her puppy, then walked out to check on Olivia.

"Liv, you alright?"

"Huh? Yeah," she said wiping her face before turning to look at him. "I didn't hear you come in. I wasn't expecting you so soon."

"I took off a bit early, today. Work was slow and I thought I would come home and spend some time with you guys."

"I burned dinner," she blurted out. "I have just been so distracted today."

"It's alright. We can order take out. Or I could take us all out to dinner tonight. It's been a while since we've done that."

"I guess so," she said looking back out at the city.

"It's chilly. Why don't you come back in and we can figure out where we want to go eat."

He watched from behind her as she started to cry once more.

"Liv, it's alright to have a bad day now and then. Come on inside. I'll fix you some tea to help you relax."

She nodded and followed him back into the apartment.

"Ma ma," Savannah cooed holding up her new toy to show her mother.

Olivia smiled through her tears and scooped up her baby girl hugging her tight.

"Mommy loves you so much, sweetheart." She kissed Savannah then sat down on the couch with her. "Did uncle El get this for you?"

"Yeah, well I saw it and knew she would love it. Got something for you too," he said appearing from the dining room with a dozen roses in tissue paper.

"They are beautiful, El. Thank you. But why?"

"Well, they are from Savannah and I. I figured it would be rough on you, tomorrow being Trevor's birthday and all. I was thinking maybe we could go out to dinner. I could even get one of the girls to sit with her for a few hours so we could go out for a glass of wine or something and talk if you want."

"Thanks, but I don't really feel much like celebrating."

"I know, Liv. But I think it will be good for you. You have barely been out of this apartment since we moved in here and you have had absolutely no grown up time."

"I'm a single mother, Elliot. Grown up time is a thing of the past."

"Honey, I understand that you miss him and it hurts to be without him on his birthday. I just thought maybe instead of feeling sad and depressed on his birthday every year, maybe we could do something positive. We could start a tradition, for her. To help all of us remember all of the good things Trevor did. I don't necessarily mean a party, maybe just dinner. The three of us. But I think whatever we do, we should vow to do it every year. That way Savannah will always remember her daddy's birthday."

"What can we do?"

"Whatever you want. Would you like to visit the grave?"

"Maybe. I could take him fresh flowers and I have never taken Savannah there. But I just feel like I should do something more, for her. The only way she is ever going to know her father is through me."

"How about this…" Elliot paused for a moment to look down at his watch, "Kathleen gets out of class in an hour. Let me call her to come and sit with Savannah for a couple of hours. That way we can have a nice dinner and get out. We'll have a drink….one drink and try to think of something to do for his birthday. Something that you can do every year with Savannah in remembrance of Trevor. Just take a breather, Olivia. A little time out from everything that is going on around here. A few hours."

"You are not going to give up until I say yes, are you?"

"Probably not."

Olivia laughed. "Alright. Dinner and one drink, but that is it and I want to be back before it is too late. I don't want her to wake up and me not be here."

"One drink. And we're back early. I promise."

"Thanks, El."

"No problem. It is just good to see you smiling again."

"I'm gonna go feed her and get her ready for bed." Elliot watched as Olivia scooped up the baby and carried her into the dining room putting her into her booster seat.

"What are you feeding her tonight?" Elliot asked.

Dinner time for Savannah in this house was both fun and entertaining since she had just began eating real foods instead of surviving mainly on the mushy stuff from jars. She liked trying anything new, especially if mommy and uncle Elliot were eating it and Olivia had found that it was actually kind of fun for all to watch her try new foods.

"I made heated her up some canned chicken breast and diced cooked carrots. And we have peaches for dessert," Olivia cooed at her daughter as Savannah giggled at her mommy.

"She likes peaches."

"She likes the carrots, too. But I have never tried the chicken. It was a suggestion from one of the ladies at our _mommy and me _class. Her son, Hunter, is eight months old and she said he loves it. She breaks it into little chunks he can gum and swallow."

Elliot and Olivia watched closely as she gave Savannah her first bite of the chicken. She mashed it around in her mouth between her two teeth and her gums and made a strange face in reaction to the new texture.

"Is that good?" Olivia asked as Savannah smiled at her.

Savannah laughed and clapped her little hands as Olivia encouraged her to pick up a bite and feed herself. By the time the little girl was finished with dinner her plate was clear, but there was more food on her face and in her lap than what could have possibly made it into her belly.

Olivia picked her daughter up and moved into the bathroom to give her a quick bath. She washed and blow dried Savannah's hair and put her into a purple sleeper with a bunny on it. She carried the baby back into the living room where uncle Elliot took her for a few minutes while mommy made her a bedtime bottle. The bottle, a mixture of pumped breast milk and formula, was the only way Savannah would go to sleep at night.

Elliot said his goodnight and handed Savannah back to her mother.

"Kathleen will be here in half an hour."

"I'm just going to give her a bottle and read to her for a little while," she said as her daughter rubbed her little eyes. "It shouldn't take long. Then I just have to change clothes."

Elliot watched as she disappeared down the hallway and into the nursery. He smiled at the thought of how great a mother Olivia was. Not that he had ever, for a moment doubted that she would be, but she was even more a natural to this than he had expected her to be.

Olivia sat into the rocking chair and handed Savannah her bottle. She kissed her daughter on the forehead as the baby held her bottle and smiled up at her. Olivia reached to the nightstand beside the crib and picked up their book. She rocked the baby in her arms as she read "Goodnight Moon" and Savannah drifted quickly off to sleep.

Olivia carried her over and laid her into the crib. She covered the baby girl with her favorite blanket and placed her little teddy bear beside her.

"Mommy loves you angel," she whispered softly as she turned on the baby monitor and turned off the overhead light. She pulled the door almost shut, then moved to the bedroom to change. Tonight was the first night in a long time that she was going to go out and enjoy spending time with another grown up.

Later that evening they dinned in a fancy restaurant. Elliot bought her a nice dinner and a glass of good wine. In the two hours they were gone, Olivia called Kathleen three times to check on Savannah.

After dinner they went for a walk and talked for a while. As they walked, Elliot received a phone call from Fin inviting them to join their group for couple of drinks at a local bar. It took a little convincing on Elliot's part, Olivia agreed.

She called once more to check on the baby, then they made their way over to meet their friends. Olivia soon realized that Elliot was right and it was good for her to just get out of the apartment for a while and spend a little time with grown ups again. They all laughed and talked and drank a toast to Trevor. A few moments later Elliot realized that Olivia got quiet and excused them from the group to head back home.

Back at home Olivia immediately moved to the nursery to check on Savannah. She knelt beside the crib and combed her fingers through her little girl's brown curls. She stared at her daughter seeing so much of Trevor in her. Olivia smiled as a tear slid down her cheek.

"Everything alright?" She heard Elliot whisper from behind her.

"Yeah," she replied softly as she wiped away another tear. "She's perfect."

"Yes, she is."

She looked up at him from the floor and Elliot could tell she had been crying. He reached for her hand to help her up.

"You alright?"

"Fine," she said brushing past him like nothing happened.

The next morning Elliot cooked breakfast for Olivia and Savannah. There weren't many grown up foods the nine month old could eat just yet, but uncle Elliot's pancakes were definitely her favorite so far.

Olivia cut a pancake into tiny little bites and handed Savannah a baby fork. She showed her daughter how to hold the fork and use it to pick up the syrup drizzled bits of pancake.

Savannah smiled as she chased the pancake around on her plate before finally settling for picking it up with her fingers. She managed to eat about half of her pancake and several bites of mommy's as well.

After breakfast, a bath to get cleaned up for their big day. Olivia dressed her daughter and put her hair up in little pig tails. She carried Savannah to the car as Elliot drove them to a flower market across town to get flowers to place on Trevor's grave. Olivia and Savannah picked out several beautiful flowers of many different colors to create the perfect bouquet.

Elliot sat on a bench ten feet away to allow Olivia some time with Savannah at the grave. He watched as she sat the flowers down and stared at the headstone. She cradled her daughter in her arms as she introduced her to her father for the first time. Elliot wanted to be there standing beside her, knowing it was breaking her heart all over again to be in this position. But he knew right now she just needed a little time, so he just waited.

Half an hour later he walked over and stood silently behind her. He watched as she reached out and traced over the letters of Trevor's name with her finger tip. He looked down to notice Savannah asleep in Olivia's lap.

"Liv, why don't I take her to the car and give you a little time alone?"

She drew a deep breath and tilted her head to look up at him. Elliot stared into her beautiful brown eyes seeing all of the pain and questions behind them. He knelt down and picked up the baby in his arms.

"Take your time. I will wait with her. Take as long as you need."

"Thank you," she whispered returning her attention to the headstone.

Elliot carried little Savannah back to the warmth of the car and buckled her into her car seat to finish out her nap. He turned on the radio and watched over Olivia from the car. He understood that this was all a part of the healing process for her. And as much as it was breaking her heart to think about Trevor and all that he had missed over the last year and a half, it was helping her to move forward as well.

Forty more minutes passed before the car door opened and she climbed inside.

She said nothing, just stared straight ahead. Elliot watched quietly wanting so bad to say something to comfort her, but had no idea of the right words. Instead he reached across the car and slipped his hand into hers, locking their fingers together.

Olivia looked at him with glassy eyes. She exhaled softly and shook her head.

Elliot reached up and brushed a tear from her cheek with his thumb as he nodded to her. They spoke no words, but it was as if they could read each other's thoughts.

In one sad and lonely stare, Olivia told him how much she was hurting inside. And with the nod of his head, Elliot explained that he understood.

He started the car and headed back toward their apartment.

Later that evening after Savannah had been tucked into bed, Elliot moved down the hall to check on Olivia. She hadn't spoken much since their visit to the grave yard and he wanted to make sure she was doing alright.

Elliot tapped against her bedroom door and listened as she invited him inside. He opened the door to find her laying across her bed looking at some photos in a scrapbook.

"I brought you some tea," he said softly.

Olivia smiled at him. "Thanks, El. I'm just looking at some pictures."

Elliot turned his attention to the muted video playing on the television. It was the video from Trevor and Olivia's engagement party. He sat down on the edge of the bed and looked over at her.

"I wrote him a letter," she said softly as she paused the DVD and stared at the smile on Trevor's face. "It sounds so stupid. But there was so much I needed to say to him and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to get it all out when I got there. I put it in a birthday card and left it on his grave."

"That isn't stupid."

"No?"

"Not at all."

"Look at all of these," she said spreading some photos across the bed. "He is smiling in every single one."

"You made him smile."

"He made me smile," she sighed. "I miss him so much."

"He was a wonderful man."

"Yeah, he was."

"I am trying so hard to get past all of this, to move on with my life. But I just can't seem to do it."

"You will, when you're ready."

"What if I am never ready?" She asked as she slipped the loose pictures back into the album and sat it on the night stand.

She took a sip of the hot tea and leaned back in the bed to watch the video of the two of them laughing and smiling and dancing. She sat the cup on the nightstand and turned off the light, curling up with her pillow as the camera zoomed in on Trevor once more.

"Good night, Liv."

"You don't have to go," she said looking up at him with tears in her eyes. "Please," she said patting the bed beside her.

Elliot forced a smile as he held back his own tears. He sat down in the bed beside her and wrapped his arm tight around Olivia bringing her head to rest on his chest. He picked up the remote from the bed between them and unmated the television to listen as Trevor gave a toast and made a dozen promises to his future bride. Little did he know, he wouldn't be around to keep them.


	14. 14 Realization

_Learning To Love With A Broken Heart_

_(Chapter Fourteen: Realization)_

Elliot laid in bed staring up at the ceiling as he listened to the little girl giggling in her bedroom just down the hall. He smiled and walked down the hallway opening the door and scooping her up in his arms.

"Happy birthday baby girl," he said as he kissed her forehead and she smiled at him. "Lets get you dressed and you can help uncle El make your birthday breakfast."

Savannah smiled and cooed as she leaned forward to kiss him.

"Thank you, sweetheart."

Elliot changed her diaper and dressed her, then pulled her dark hair back into two little pigtails.

"There we go. Let's make breakfast and I will turn on some cartoons and we can let mommy sleep in. What do you say?"

"Ma ma ma ma," she squealed and giggled again.

"That's right," he said picking her up and carrying her into the kitchen with him.

Elliot put Savannah in her high chair and handed her a mixing bowl and a wooden spoon as he pulled out the ingredients and set them on the counter top. He smiled at her as she stirred her spoon in her bowl.

"You're pretty good at this," Elliot said as he kissed the baby girl.

He mixed up the batter and poured out three small pancakes onto the griddle. He arranged the pancakes on a plate to make the shape of a bunny, then added a chocolate chip for an eye and a dab of whipped cream for a tail.

"Here you go, kiddo. Uncle Elliot's birthday girl bunny rabbit pancakes."

Savannah squealed in excitement and clanked her spoon against the mixing bowl.

"What is going on in here?" Olivia asked as she entered the room kissing her daughter on the forehead.

"Savannah helped me make breakfast."

"Those are so cute," she said looking down at the bunny on her little girl's plate. "But El, that is way too much sugar for a one year old."

"It's her birthday mommy. And these are special pancakes."

"The kind without sugar in them?"

"Come on, Liv. She isn't going to eat it all anyway," he said pouring syrup lightly over the pancakes.

"And then you add syrup. Do you not remember the mess she makes with pancakes? She is going to have that all over her."

"Then I will give her a bath," he laughed. "I won't let her eat enough to get a belly ache. No, we don't want a belly ache," he said as Savannah kicked her feet and giggled.

Olivia laughed watching him interact with her daughter. Elliot cut up the pancakes and sat the plate on the tray of her high chair. He handed Savannah her little plastic fork and a sippy cup of milk.

"Kids love these. I used to make them for my girls on every birthday."

"You didn't make them for the boys?"

"No. The boys got turtle waffles."

Olivia laughed. "That is adorable. You are so good with kids."

"Well, I have enough of them, I should be good at parenting by now."

"Look at her. Syrup and whipped cream all over her face and in her hair. A mouth full and another big bite on her fork. And the biggest smile I have ever seen across her little face."

"I told you, kids love my pancakes."

"She does anyway. Savannah, can mommy have a bite?"

Savannah smiled and picked up a bite with her sticky little fingers as she offered it to Olivia. She cooed and giggled as Olivia growled and took the bite from her with her teeth.

"Maaa," she said pointing at Olivia and smiling.

"Mommy loves you so much," Olivia laughed as she wiped the syrup from her face.

"Here you go," Elliot said handing Olivia a plate.

After breakfast Elliot put Savannah in a bathtub full of toys as Olivia began to blow up the balloons for her birthday party. Elliot washed her off and washed her hair as she splashed and played in the water. She squealed and giggled as she thrashed her little hands in the water splashing herself and Elliot as well.

He leaned over the edge of the bathtub and splashed her with warm water as she cooed and giggled. Olivia walked down the hall and stood in the doorway to watch her daughter playing with Elliot.

She watched as Elliot washed the beard of soap suds from the little girl's face and rinsed her hair with a Dora cup she liked to play with in the bathtub. She kicked and splashed and smiled as Elliot kissed the tip of her little nose.

"Nose," he said as she placed her fingertip on his.

"No," she said trying so hard to repeat him.

"You are such a smart girl."

Savannah grinned and giggled again. But the next words the little girl said really tore her apart. Olivia watched as Savannah smiled and reached up and touched Elliot's nose once again.

"Dada," she said with a big smile as she batted her big brown eyes. "Da da da da da," she smiled and giggled and splashed again.

Elliot looked at the little girl then turned to see Olivia standing in the doorway with tears in her eyes. She turned and made her way to her bedroom locking the door behind her.

"No, baby, I'm not your dada," he said softly as he wrapped her in a towel and carried her to the nursery to get her dressed.

He blow dried her dark curls and pulled her hair neatly into a ponytail.

"Such a pretty girl," he whispered as she smiled at him.

"No," she said touching her fingertip to his nose once more.

Elliot smiled as he stared into her eyes. "Nose."

Savannah stared at him watching as he formed the word.

"Nose," she whispered softly as she smiled at him.

"Good girl," Elliot said with a smile.

He carried her into the living room and sat her down in the floor with a sippy cup of juice to watch Dora.

Half an hour later Olivia returned to the living room and scooped up her daughter. She was quiet and didn't say anything to Elliot, just walked past him and picked Savannah up from the floor.

"Liv, are you alright?"

"Yeah," she said forcing a smile. "I have to run pick up her cake and get a few things for the party. We'll be back in a couple of hours. I got the key to the banquet room this morning and Casey was supposed to come over and help me decorate. If she comes by while I'm gone can you give her those two bags of decorations and the key."

"No problem," he said as she slipped Savannah's coat on her and carried her to the elevator.

That evening Olivia rocked the birthday girl to sleep and tucked her into her crib.

"Can you believe she is already a year old?" Elliot asked from behind her.

"Oh, I believe it," Olivia replied. "I specifically remember giving birth," she laughed.

"The party was great and I think she had a lot of fun."

Olivia smiled. "I hope so. She only gets one first birthday. And tomorrow morning she will have her first Christmas. First real Christmas, anyway."

"Listen, Olivia, I'm sorry about the dada thing. It kind of came out of nowhere. I don't have any idea how she could think that I was…."

"Her father?" Olivia asked looking over at him.

"Exactly."

She exhaled softly and walked into her bedroom kicking off her shoes and stretching out across her bed. "I'm sorry that it bothered me as much as it did."

Elliot sat in the floor beside the bed.

"I think anyone would have been effected in that situation. You had every right to be."

"I guess it was bound to happen eventually. You are the closest thing to a father she has ever had," Olivia said forcing a smile as tears welled up in her eyes once more.

"Hey," Elliot said laying on the bed beside her and brushing some hair back from her eyes.

"She loves you, Elliot. She's just a baby and that was the only way she has to tell you that she loves you. And I understand that."

"I love her, too. I couldn't love her any more if she was mine. I have no idea where she got dada, though. I am not even sure where she would have heard the 'D' word."

Olivia forced a smile. "The kids call you dad and Eli calls you daddy."

"Maybe she thinks that is my name."

Olivia laughed softly. "I should be the one apologizing to you."

"For what?"

"My kid has completely latched onto you. And now she is trying to claim you as her dada."

"I didn't mind, Liv. I know she isn't mine and I know that if he had a choice, Trevor would have been right here by your side this entire time. He would be so proud of you, both of you."

"El, I have been thinking, having you here to help out with her has really helped me a lot over this last year. Longer than that, the entire time I was pregnant, you were right beside me. I don't know that I could have survived this without you here beside me. But you don't have to stay anymore. You have practically given up your life to help me raise my child. You have not even so much as been on a date since you moved in here. You can't give up your life for us, Elliot. You have been tied down by a kid that isn't even yours. If you want to move out, I'll understand."

"I haven't given up anything. I have been right where I wanted to be. And if you are ready for me to go and let the two of you begin your life together, I understand that. She is your little girl. And maybe today was just a sign that I have gotten a little too close to her. I love being here, Olivia. But this is your life and your daughter. I appreciate you letting me be such a big part of her life and I thank you for every moment and every memory you let me share in. But if you are ready for me to leave, if you would like for me to get my own place and let you continue raising your daughter alone…. I will understand."

"I don't want you to leave, El. But I don't want you to feel like you are obligated to stay. You are welcome here as long as you would like to be here. I love having you and Savannah adores her uncle Elliot. I just don't want you to feel like I have just stuck you with my child."

Elliot laughed and pressed his forehead to hers.

"I don't feel like that. And I never have. I am here because I want to be here. I just don't want to be stepping on any toes."

"You're not," she said with a smile.

"Good," Elliot said hugging her tight.

Olivia laid her head against his chest and yawned.

"My God, Elliot. My baby is a year old already."

"It's amazing how fast they grow, isn't it?"

"Yeah," she said with a smile.

"It seems like only yesterday she was trying her first big kid foods and taking her first steps, now she's talking. I got her to say nose."

"You did?"

"Well, it came out a little more like 'no' and a hissing sound. But she has the general idea. She said it as she touched her little finger to my nose. She is so smart."

"She is pretty smart, huh?" Olivia asked with a smile.

"Smart and funny and beautiful. She is her mother's daughter."

"Her daddy was pretty smart, too."

"He chose you, didn't he?"

Olivia smiled as Elliot kissed her forehead. She laid her head against his chest and before long they were both sound asleep.

Early the next morning before dawn, Elliot opened his eyes to find her curled up in his arms. He smiled and combed his fingers through her hair as she slept. He kissed the top of her head and watched the gentle rise and fall of her chest with each breath. There in that moment Elliot realized for the first time that he was head over heels in love with his best friend.


	15. 15 Leap Of Faith

_Learning To Love With A Broken Heart_

_(Chapter Fifteen: Leap Of Faith)_

"Liv, we're going to be late," Elliot called from down the hall as Maureen stacked blocks with Savannah in the living room floor. "You have my cell phone number. Call me if you need anything."

"Dad, this isn't the first time I have even babysat."

"I know, honey. But Liv doesn't leave her very often and she is going to be a little nervous."

"So call and check on her any time you like. We will be fine."

"Help yourself to any food you find. Take out menu's are by the phone and there is some money on the counter if you want to order a pizza or something. Try to have her in bed at a decent hour and we shouldn't be too late."

"So, where are you taking Liv for her birthday?"

"I made dinner reservations and got theatre tickets. I figured she could use a little grown up night out."

"It sounds romantic."

"Maureen, it is just dinner and a show between friends. Nothing romantic."

"Where did you make your dinner reservations?"

"Tavern On The Green."

Maureen giggled.

"Tavern On The Green is romantic dad."

"Well, it also happens to be one of Olivia's favorite places to eat. This is her birthday. It should be nice. But it doesn't matter because if we don't get going we are not going to make our reservation anyway and we'll end up eating hot dogs from a street vender before the show. Olivia, we're going to be late!"

"Eww, dad. Anything but hotdogs. Hotdogs are nasty. Aren't they Savannah," Maureen said picking the little girl up from the floor and raising her up over her head.

Savannah squealed and giggled as Maureen bounced her around a bit and pretended to toss her into the air.

"Be careful with her," Elliot warned.

"Dad, I'm not going to hurt her. Besides, she likes it."

She held Savannah in one arm and tickled her belly as the little girl laughed and giggled.

"Still, be careful. She is just a baby."

"Okay."

"I'm ready," Olivia replied as she entered the room slipping on an earring.

Elliot looked over at her and smiled. She was absolutely breath taking.

"Wow, Liv. You look hot," Maureen said with a smile.

Olivia laughed.

"Thanks honey, but I am not sure you are supposed to look hot after you become a mother."

"Well, you look great."

Olivia scooped up Savannah in her arms and tossed her gently into the air then blew raspberries on the baby's belly as she giggled. Maureen gave Elliot a look that seemed to say _if Olivia can do it, why can't I? _

"See dad, I told you it wasn't going to hurt her. She likes it."

"Liv can do that, Savannah is her baby."

"Mommy loves you sweetheart. And I will be back soon. You be a good girl for Maureen. If you need anything honey, just give us a call."

"We will be fine, I am sure. But feel free to call and check on her any time you want. It's cool."

"I'm glad you think so," Olivia replied with a smile.

"Well, dad said you have never really left her before."

"Only a few times. I do get a little nervous. But I trust you and she adores you. We won't be late. Just dinner and a show. But I will have my phone on silent, so call me if you need me."

"I will, I promise. Have fun."

Maureen held up Savannah's little hand to wave as they watched Elliot and Olivia step onto the elevator.

At dinner Olivia seemed to be a little distracted as she watched couples on the dance floor.

"Would you like to dance?" Elliot asked her.

She looked over at him and smiled.

"You dance?"

"Not well and not in a long time. But it is your birthday."

"So, you would be willing to give it a try?"

"For you, of course."

Olivia smiled as Elliot stood up and reached for her hand. He lead her to the dance floor and placed his hands against her waist as the next song began.

"Thank you for this," Olivia said smiling at him.

"It is your birthday, it should be special."

"It has been. The surprise dinner and cake yesterday with the kids. And tonight. I really needed this."

"I'm glad I could help. But the cake and dinner yesterday was all the kids. It was just my job to lure you there."

"They are all so sweet. They are thoughtful, like you."

"They have their moments," he laughed. "And they adore you and Savannah. You have been a part of our lives for a very long time, Olivia. You and Savannah are family."

"I am so blessed to have you in my life. To have you in my little girl's life."

"I'm feeling pretty blessed, too."

Olivia smiled.

"There is this guy at work…." she began and Elliot felt his heart sink in his chest. "He keeps asking me out. He understands everything that has happened and he knows that I am a single mother. He says that is okay with him."

"Do you like him?"

"I don't know. I don't know really if he is someone I could even be interested in. But it was enough to get me thinking about starting to date again. How do I know when I am ready?"

"You'll know."

"But how? I mean this isn't just about me anymore. My priorities changed the day I found out I was going to be a mother. I mean, the fickle little thinks like whether a guy is attractive or not don't really even matter anymore. Now I can only think about whether a guy is good enough for my daughter."

"That is because you are being a responsible parent. Dating as a single parent isn't always easy."

"But if I don't at least give it a shot, then I will never find someone. And she will grow up without a father. I want more than that for her."

"I know you do Liv. But if your gut is telling you that this guy is wrong, then he probably is. Trust yourself."

"I am just so afraid that I will never meet someone who is good enough for her. I mean I know I won't. No man will ever be good enough for her."

"No one?" he asked as they sat back down at the table

"Well, no one except for her dada-uncle El. You already have her heart. Maybe I should just let her find me someone, she seems to have pretty good taste in men and she is barely a year old."

Elliot laughed.

"Maybe you are on to something there," he said watching her for a reaction.

Olivia looked up at him only for a moment smiling, before she returned her attention to her glass of wine.

"Have you ever thought about it?"

"About letting my thirteen month old daughter set me up with a guy? Seriously, no."

"That isn't what I am talking about."

Olivia pressed her lips together and placed her napkin in her lap.

"I know what you are talking about."

"You do?"

"Yes. El, I have seen it in your eyes. Lately, the way you look at me. And I…."

"You?"

"I am honored, really."

"But, you are not interested."

"It isn't that."

"You are interested?"

"I could be. You are the most incredible man I have ever met. And other than Trevor, the only man I have ever loved. But it is so much more complicated."

"Because of the baby?"

Olivia stared at him for a moment with tears rising in her eyes.

"I love her, Olivia. I love her like she was my own. That is never going to change."

"I know," she whispered softly.

"Then what is it? You know that I would never do anything I thought would hurt you or Savannah. All I have ever wanted to do is love and protect you both."

Olivia smiled.

"Elliot, what if we tried this and it didn't work out. How would I explain that to my daughter? How would you explain it to your kids? How do we explain it to ourselves? We have been best friends forever….I have already lost Trevor, I can't risk losing you too."

"Liv, you are never going to lose me. No matter what happens between us….if we date or don't date….that is not going to change who we are to each other. I am always going to be here for you and Savannah."

"I just don't know what to do," she said as he gazed into her pretty brown eyes. "I have feelings for you, strong feelings. I love you. My heart is screaming that this is the chance I have waited for all of my life and I should go for it. But my head is telling me there is way too much at risk. I just don't know what to do."

Elliot leaned forward and placed his palm against hers as he stared into her eyes.

"Listen to your heart," he whispered softly as he traced her lips with his fingertip.

He could see the tears welling behind her pretty brown eyes as she closed her eyes and took a chance. Olivia leaned closer pressing her mouth softly against his in a sweet kiss they had both waited so long for. Elliot slid his fingertips over her jaw bone as he deepened the kiss.

When Olivia opened her eyes, Elliot's were still closed. It was the most magical kiss she had ever experienced in her entire life. And just like that all of the hurt and heart ache she still had over Trevor, was gone.

Now she felt all of the hope and promise that a new love brings as it crept through her body seizing her heart and taking it over. The funny thing, she thought as she tipped her head to smile at him, was that she was no longer scared at all.


	16. 16 Almost Gone

_Learning To Live With A Broken Heart_

_(Chapter Sixteen: Almost Gone)_

"Which ones do you like better? These or these?" Olivia asked holding up an earring from each pair as Elliot studied them.

"They both look nice."

She smiled.

"The safe answer," she replied with a laugh. "I can tell you were married."

Elliot smiled.

"Elliot, it's okay. I am asking your opinion, because I would like your opinion."

"I like the one on the left."

"That wasn't so hard, now was it?" she laughed as she turned to her reflection in the mirror to slip on the earring.

"You look amazing in that dress and I don't think wearing the wrong earrings is going to change that."

"Thank you," she said with a smile.

"I'm still confused as to why we have to go to this thing."

"Because Casey is one of our closest friends."

"But why is she having a baby shower, if she is adopting a baby?"

"Elliot, whether she gives birth or adopts, this kid is still going to need a lot of stuff. Remember all of the things I got after I had Savannah."

"I remember thinking there was no way one little bitty girl was going to use all of that stuff."

Olivia smiled.

"But she did. And I want to show Casey that we support her in her decision to start a family"

"I thought baby showers were supposed to be a woman thing?"

"They are. But this is more than just a shower. It is also a celebration party."

"How do you think she is going to do as a single mother?"

"Casey is a very dedicated person. I think she will be fine."

"You don't think it will be hard for her? Raising a kid all alone?"

"Well, it is a little unconventional, but I am sure she can handle it. She has already chosen a nanny to take care of the baby while she is working. And she signed all of the papers yesterday. In a few weeks, Casey will take custody of her newborn daughter."

"What if the girl changes her mind? You and I both know that does actually happen," he said looking at a picture of Savannah on the dresser. "The people who were going to adopt her had a baby up until minutes before she was supposed to be turned over to the social worker."

"If that happens, then Casey is going to need her friends more than ever. But I really don't think it will. The mother is a fifteen year old high school student. She is still a child herself, with dreams of going off to college and making a life for herself. Casey has met this girl and she understands that she can't have the life she wants for herself if she chooses to keep her daughter. Casey has agreed to an open adoption so that the birth mother can be a part of the child's life."

"I hope it works out for her. Casey deserves to be happy and I know how wonderful it is to be a parent. I think she will be a good mother. I wasn't, however, sure what to get her for a baby shower gift. I ended up with a bag of little pink lacy things, a teddy bear and a package of diapers."

"That sounds nice," Olivia said helping him with his tie. "I am sure she is going to appreciate it."

"What did you get her?"

"A baby ring for the baby, a couple of outfits and a necklace with the baby's birthstone in it."

"You are so much better at gifting than I am. We'd better hurry if you don't want to be late."

"I am ready, I just need to wake Savannah up from her nap and get her dressed."

"I'm going to call and make sure everything is set for the party, then I'll go down and pull the car around."

Olivia headed down the hall to wake the baby and get her dressed. She put little barrettes in her dark locks and slipped a white lacy dress on her and tied the pink ribbon around her waist.

"There we go pretty girl," she said kissing her seventeen month old. "Let's go find your dada."

"Dada," Savannah repeated and pointed down the hall.

"Hey," Elliot said scooping Savannah up as she let go of Olivia's hand and ran toward him. "There's my girl."

"I just talked to Kathy and she is dropping the kids off at the restaurant. After dinner we will head to the party and she will pick them up there in a couple of hours."

"So, we're ready?" she asked with a smile.

"Looks that way," Elliot replied carrying the baby and the diaper bag while Olivia grabbed the gifts.

A couple of hours later, everyone gathered at the Grande Hotel. The large reception area was decorated with pink and white streamers. A banner across the back wall behind the cake table that said 'Congratulations Casey!' The two tier cake decorated with pastel pink and white fondant read 'Welcome Baby Emma Kate' and pink and white balloons floated in the indoor pool.

"There's the guest of honor," Olivia said hugging Casey.

"Hey, I'm glad you guys could make it."

"Are you kidding? We wouldn't miss this. This place looks beautiful."

"My mother is actually hosting the party. She is so excited to finally be getting a grandchild that I think she went a little overboard."

"No, Case, it is really pretty. I see you finally decided on a name. Emma Kate, that is sweet."

"I couldn't make up my mind. I finally decided on Emma, after my grandmother and Kate is after my mother. So it is kind of a family name. You don't think it is too old for a baby?"

"No, I think it is beautiful. She is a very lucky little girl. When do you finally get to meet her?"

"She is due in three weeks. Which gives me just enough time to get the nursery set up. I am so excited. And so nervous."

"Don't be nervous. I am sure you will be a great mother. You are smart and successful, responsible and fully intend to give this baby all of the love and happiness in you can. That is all anyone can offer. You are gonna be fine. You are really great with Savannah."

"But it's different with someone else's baby. You know at the end of the day she is going back home to her mommy. This time I am going to be the mommy. I am going to have to know what she needs when she is crying and exactly what to do when she is sick and…. maybe I am just crazy for thinking I can do this."

"Casey, relax. You will figure it out."

"Figure it out? Olivia this kid is going to be completely dependant on me!"

"You will learn, just like every new mother. Nobody is just born knowing how to be a parent. I had absolutely no clue what to do when I brought her home. If it hadn't been for Elliot there to help me I probably would have had a break down."

"But you had him, Liv. I am in this alone."

"Casey, you're not alone. Look around you. All of these people are here to show their support for you. We all love you and we all know what a wonderful mother you are going to be. And if you have questions or just need somebody to talk to, you can call me any time."

"Really?"

"Really," Olivia replied with a warm smile as she hugged her friend again.

"Thanks Liv," Casey said exhaling slowly. "She is looks so adorable in her little dress. Yes, you do Savannah. You are such a pretty girl. And someday soon you will have a little friend to play with," she said tickling Savannah and making her laugh.

Savannah pulled her pacifier from her mouth, holding it in one hand as she pointed to the balloons floating around the table.

"Ball," she said.

"No, baby girl, that's a balloon," Elliot said taking one by the string and handing it to her.

"Ball," she said again and smiled at him.

"Okay," Elliot laughed. "You win, kid. It's a ball."

Elliot kissed her forehead and put her down in the floor to play with the other kids.

"Elizabeth, you guys play easy with her and don't let her out of your sight."

"Okay, dad."

Elliot watched at Savannah held tight to her balloon string and chased after the older kids. Elliot and Olivia mingled with the other adults in the room. Olivia couldn't help but keep an eye on her little girl as she played with the children. It wasn't long before she felt a gentle tug on the bottom of her skirt.

"Ma," Savannah cooed staring up at her mother.

"Hi, baby."

"Up," she said reaching for her mother to pick her up.

Olivia laughed and picked up the little girl.

"She said she wanted her ma," Elizabeth said.

"Did you miss mommy?"

"My ma," Savannah said holding her pacifier in her hand and offering it to Olivia.

Olivia opened her mouth to growl as Savannah giggled and put her pacifier into her mother's mouth. She smiled and giggled again, as she did the balloon string Elizabeth had tied to her little wrist slipped loose and the balloon floated up to the ceiling of the large room.

"Uh oh," Savannah said pointing up as it floated away. "My ball, bye-bye," she said softly waving into the air.

"Mommy loves you so much. You are such a smart girl. Let's go get you another balloon," Olivia said lowering Savannah to her feet and holding on to her hand.

As they made their way across the room, Casey asked Olivia to help her serve the cake. Olivia looked back and watched as Savannah made her way over to where Dickie and Elizabeth were seated at a table.

"Okay," Olivia said moving behind the table to help her friend. "But then I have to go find my daughter another balloon."

"What happened to hers?" Casey asked.

Olivia smiled and pointed to the pink balloon now stuck on the ceiling.

"Oh no, she lost her balloon."

"Or in the words of my seventeen month old, _uh oh. My ball, bye-bye._"

Casey laughed.

"She is so damn adorable. The more I'm around her, the more I excited I get about finally having one of my own."

"She is cute. But I guess all kids are at this age. She waved at the balloon as it floated away."

"Aww. At least she didn't cry."

"She hardly ever cries. I guess I got lucky and got a really happy baby. Even when she was little she barely ever cried."

"Aren't newborns supposed to cry a lot?"

"Some of them do."

"And they barely sleep?"

"Savannah slept almost all of the time."

"I mean at night. They don't sleep at night?"

"Casey, you are freaking out again. Babies sleep when they want to sleep. But eventually she will get into a routine and things will be fine. You are going to be a really good mother."

"You really think so? Because you are one of my best friends and you can tell me if you think I am crazy and this is a horrible idea. I mean, I don't really even know anything about babies."

"Read the books. Some of what they say sounds stupid, but they are very helpful."

"That's your best advice? Read the books?"

"I have a few I will pass along to you. And any time you think you want practice, you are more than welcome to come over and practice on Savannah."

"Practice? You mean baby-sit?"

"Baby-sit, or just spend the day with Savannah and I. Only, you do all of the work. I'll be right there if you have any questions or need anything."

"You know, you might be on to something. It couldn't hurt, right?"

"I think it is a great way to get experience. Of course it wont be exactly the same thing because she is bigger and most of the time can kind of tell you what she wants. Most of the time. But she also moves around more and you have to chase her. She is pretty quick, you have to stay right on top of her. Speaking of….where is my little angel?" she asked with a smile as she turned to look over her shoulder to check on Savannah.

Olivia looked over at the table where the older kids sat eating their cake, but she didn't see the baby.

"I'll be right back, Case."

She walked over to the table where the Stabler children sat laughing and telling jokes as they enjoyed their punch and cake.

"Hey guys, where is Savannah?"

"She was just sitting right here eating cake with us," Maureen said raising the table cloth to look under the table. "She was playing under the table just a second ago."

Olivia pulled up the table cloth and knelt on her knees as she called for her daughter, but she didn't see her anywhere. She stood up and looked around the room for the little girl, but she didn't seem to be anywhere. She turned and looked back at Elizabeth in desperation.

"I was holding her, Liv. She was sitting on my lap eating her cake. But then she started pushing me away and crying because she wanted down. Dickie gave her a balloon and she was playing with it under the table just a second ago."

Olivia pressed her lips together nervously as she scanned the room again.

"Maybe she went over by dad," Kathleen suggested as the kids began to look around the other tables.

"I bet you're right," Olivia said. "Can you guys keep looking here? I'm gonna go find your father and see if she is with him."

"Okay," they all agreed as they scattered and began searching for little Savannah.

Olivia frantically searched the room for any sign of Elliot or her daughter.

"Liv, is everything okay?" Casey asked.

"I can't find Savannah. Have you seen Elliot?"

"Yeah, he is over by the door talking to some people. Do you want me to make an announcement to see if anyone knows where she might be?"

"Umm, you know what….hold that thought and let me just see if she is with Elliot first. Okay?"

"Alright. Let me know if you need any help."

Olivia nodded and moved across the room.

"Elliot," she called as she approached him.

"Yeah?"

"Do you have the baby?"

"What?"

"Is Savannah with you?"

"No, she was with Elizabeth."

"Oh my God!"

"Olivia, what's wrong?"

"She wandered away from the kids, we can't find her."

"Stay calm. We will just make an announcement and have everyone look around them. She has to be here somewhere."

Olivia nodded her head as tears began to well in her eyes. Elliot ran over to Casey and whispered something in her ear. Casey went to the front of the room and stood up on a chair to make the announcement.

"Attention everybody," she said as the every head in the room turned to look at her. "We need everyone's help to find a little girl. Her name is Savannah, she is seventeen months old. She is about twenty six inches tall and has brown hair and brown eyes. She is wearing a white dress with a pink bow around the waist and little black shoes. Can everyone please just look around you. Check under the tables and anywhere else a small child could be. She may be scared or she may be hiding. But we need to find her and get her back to her mother."

Olivia was amazed as the entire room full of guests all began to look for her little girl.

"We're gonna find her," Elliot assured her kissing her gently as they began to search once more.

Elliot and Olivia moved back to the table where the children last saw Savannah and began to check every place they could possibly think to search.

"Olivia," he said picking up Savannah's pacifier from the floor.

"She was here."

Elliot stood in that spot and looked around him. Across the room was a small black shoe.

"Liv, over here," he shouted running to pick it up at the edge of the swimming pool. "Oh my God," Elliot yelled as he noticed a bit of pink ribbon and what appeared to be a baby doll floating in the water.

Olivia stood frozen as tears streamed down her face, she couldn't move.

"Somebody call 911!" Maureen yelled as Elliot jumped into the pool and swam down after Savannah.

Seconds later he resurfaced with the baby in his arms. Maureen pulled Savannah from the water and laid her down on the floor as Elliot climbed out of the pool.

"Dad, she isn't breathing," she said and she began to cry as well.

Olivia couldn't even breathe and stood still frozen as Elliot began CPR on her baby girl. Casey grabbed blankets and towels from a housekeeping cart in the hallway.

"Come on baby, breathe!" Elliot demanded as he continued chest compressions.

He looked up at Olivia for only a moment, then back down at Savannah's lifeless body in front of him. By now pretty much everyone in the room was crying at the heartbreaking sight. Elliot wiped his cheek against his shoulder, pushing away his own tears. He had to focus. He had to make her breathe again. He couldn't give up on her. He wouldn't give up on her.

"Come on Savannah, breathe for daddy," he said as he gave her another breath.

It had been almost five minutes since he had began CPR when Elliot could hear the sirens getting near. He was terrified that if something good didn't happen really soon it would be too late. Elliot finished a round of chest compressions and checked once more for a pulse or signs of breathing, but there was nothing. He repositioned Savannah's little head and gave her another breath, as he did he closed his eyes and said a little prayer that somehow God would spare her on this day and bring their baby back to them.

As he began chest compressions once more, Savannah turned her head to the side and coughed as water poured from her mouth. Olivia tipped her head back, dropped to her knees and burst into tears as Savannah began to cry.

"Oh thank God," Elliot said out of breath as he cradled the little girl in his arms and wrapped her in a blanket.

He rocked her as she cried and held on to him. Elliot closed his eyes and thanked God for this second chance as he kissed her little forehead and turned to hand her to Olivia.

"Here's mommy, sweetheart."

Olivia still couldn't speak. She just held her baby tight in her arms and kissed her until the ambulance crew rushed in with a stretcher. Elliot watched as they loaded Savannah onto the stretcher and Olivia climbed into the ambulance to ride to the hospital.

Casey wrapped a second blanket around Elliot and handed him a towel.

"Are you alright?"

"I am now. I have never been so scared in my life. We almost lost her, Case."

"I know," she said softly.

He looked around the room as people began to think out.

"I'm really sorry we wrecked your party."

"Don't be ridiculous. This couldn't have been helped. Elliot, what you just did….was….heroic."

"I just did what any father would do."

"My mom can wrap things up here if you would like me to drive you to the hospital."

"Casey, you have guests. And I have kids," he said looking over his shoulder at the children.

"Alright, I'll meet you there in a few minutes. But I don't think you should drive."

"It's taken care of. Maureen can drive," he said handing the keys to his oldest daughter.

"I'll see you in a little bit."

Half an hour later Casey arrived in the emergency room waiting area to find Elliot pacing and three of the five children sitting in chairs watching television.

"Any news?"

"Nothing yet and it is driving me crazy."

"Where's Maureen?"

"She and Dickie headed back to the apartment to grab me some clothes. I promised I would call her if we heard anything before she got back. God, Casey, what could be taking so long?"

"I can wait here with them if you want to go back and be with Olivia."

"I tried. They won't let me in because I am not the baby's father."

Casey just stared at him for a moment as the realization registered in her eyes.

"Are you guys hungry?" she asked looking at the kids sitting across the room. "Why don't you go down and get a soda or something? Your dad or I will call you if there is any news," she said handing Kathleen a twenty dollar bill.

"Thank you," she said. "Is it okay, dad?"

"It's okay. Stay together."

"We will," she assured him as she held Eli's hand and lead him toward the elevator.

"How about you? Can I buy you a cup of vending machine coffee?"

"I feel sick about what happened," he confessed. "I should have never let her out of my sight."

"Elliot, she is a little girl. They wander away. It was an accident and it could have happened to anyone."

"But it shouldn't have happened to her. There were over sixty people in that room and no one saw her fall in? We weren't watching her good enough and just like that she could have been gone."

"She probably saw the balloons in the pool and tried to get one out."

"I should have been there."

Casey patted him on the back.

"You can't keep kicking yourself over it now."

"I just wish they would let me see her."

It was over an hour later when a nurse finally came and told Elliot he could go back and see Savannah. He left the kids sleeping in the waiting room as he walked down the hall to room number two thirty four. He tapped lightly on the door as he pushed it open and walked inside.

The lights in the room were dim and Olivia laid in the hospital bed facing her daughter. As Elliot approached the bed he could feel the tears on his face once more. He walked over to the bed and knelt to kiss Savannah. He lowered the bedrail and laid in the bed behind the little girl facing Olivia .

He reached across the bed and placed his hand in hers, bringing it to meet his lips.

"How is she doing?" he said softly.

"She's gonna be okay," Olivia whispered as she stared at her baby. "They want to keep her over night for observation and keep an eye out for pneumonia and things like that, but she should be fine. As far as they can tell she has not shown any signs of permanent damage."

"That's good."

"My God, Elliot, we almost lost her today."

"I know, Olivia and I am so sorry that this happened."

"Elliot, you saved my daughter's life today. If you hadn't been there….if you hadn't done everything you did….I would have lost her," she sobbed. "I just froze. I am trained to handle situations like this and I panicked. I couldn't even breathe. But you, you just reacted and you saved Savannah's life. I owe you everything. If I had lost her….I couldn't live with out her."

"I know the feeling. I waited in the waiting area for over an hour, I was worried sick."

"You should have come back."

"I tried. They wouldn't let me, family only. And I am not really her father," he whispered kissing the top of Savannah's head once more as she closed her little hand around his finger.

Olivia looked at him with tears in her eyes.

"I've been thinking about that too," Olivia said softly.

Elliot stared into her eyes.

"Elliot, I want you to adopt Savannah."

"Adopt her?"

"I mean if you want to."

"Of course I want to. I just thought you wanted her to have the Benson name?"

"I want her to have a father, more."

"Olivia, I would be honored to make Savannah my daughter. I already love her like she was my own."

"Where are the kids?"

"In the waiting room, Kathy is on her way to pick them up. I told Maureen I would call her later and give her an update."

Olivia tucked a strand of dark hair behind Savannah's ear and kissed her forehead.

"She's finally asleep," she said softly.

"Safe in bed with her mommy and daddy," Elliot said as he smiled at her.

Olivia grinned and rolled her eyes.

"What?"

"Nothing," she said looking a bit embarrassed.

"It's too late now, spill it."

"It's silly, really. And really lame."

"Lame?"

She nodded.

"Tell me," he said and she smiled again.

"I have just been thinking, we have been together for just over four months now. And I know we said we were going to take things slow, but…."

"But?"

"Well, I was kind of thinking maybe tonight would be….the night."

"The night?"

Olivia smiled.

"I planned on us sleeping together tonight. I just never thought it would have been in a hospital bed with the baby between us."

Elliot smiled as he leaned forward and kissed her passionately.

"It will happen for us. I love you, Liv. I love you both, so much. And right now there is no place else I would rather be. This is where I belong, Olivia. Right here, with you and Savannah and the other kids, a family."

"I love you too, Elliot. And I know that there is no one else in the world who could ever love her as much as I do. No one but you. You have been there from day one, since before she was even born. If it weren't for you I would have given her away to another family. She is my world and the best thing that ever happened to me. I thank God every day for bringing her into my life and I thank you for helping me realize that I could her mother. I think she made the right decision when she chose you to be her dada. I think maybe she saw something that has been right here between us all of these years, something that we overlooked for so long or maybe were afraid to see."

"Until this beautiful little girl broke the ice and made us realize what had been right in front of us the entire time."

Elliot raised his palm and placed it against hers. He spread his fingers apart and locked them in hers. Olivia smiled as she leaned forward and kissed him.

"Try to get some rest," Elliot whispered as he combed his fingers through Savannah's dark curls.

He watched Olivia until her dark eyes fell shut and she was sound asleep. Then and only then, he finally closed his eyes to fall asleep as well.


	17. 17 Play Date

_Learning To Love With A Broken Heart_

_(Chapter Seventeen: Play Date)_

"Have you ever changed a diaper before?" Olivia asked as Casey looked at her nervously.

"Never."

"Now is as good a time as any to learn," Olivia said handing her the diaper.

Casey watched as Olivia caught her giggling daughter and laid her down on the floor.

"Okay, lesson number one, always have the wipes ready. Before you take the old diaper off."

"Got it," Casey said pulling a wipe from the container.

"Luckily I have already checked this one and it is safe."

Casey laughed.

"I can't believe I don't know how to do this. I graduated top of my class from law school and I can't figure out how to change a diaper."

"You will get it. Relax. They can sense your fear," Olivia joked. "Now undo the tape."

Olivia walked Casey through the steps of changing the diaper as Savannah giggled up at them.

"Not bad for your first time," Olivia said as she rolled up the wet diaper. "Just remember, the part with the tape is the back. That way it can wrap around and stick to the front."

"Thank you for this. It wont be long….I need all the practice I can get."

"I'm glad you think so. Because it's lunch time," Olivia giggled. "Let's see if you can get little bit to eat her peas."

"Peas? Olivia, I don't even eat peas."

"Elliot is the only one who can usually get her to eat vegetables."

"What's his secret?"

"I don't know. He has a way with kids," Olivia said picking Savannah up and carrying her to the high chair. "And with women," she cooed to her daughter.

"How are things going with Elliot?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't be coy. You guys are together, right?"

"Yeah, I mean I guess we are," Olivia said hoping not to have to discuss details with her friend until she at least had a few details to discuss.

"So?"

"So, there isn't much to talk about. We're taking things slow."

"How slow?" Casey asked as she gave Olivia a look.

"Very slow, Case. It has taken me a long time to even decide I was ready to give a relationship a try. And honestly, if it wasn't Elliot I probably still wouldn't have been ready."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I know him. I have forever. I trust him and that makes it a little easier to take a chance I guess. I'm not really sure."

"So you guys aren't….?"

"Casey, my child is sitting at this table."

"She doesn't know what we're talking about."

"She understands more than you think she does and at this age it isn't so much what they understand as what they repeat."

"I need to remember that."

"Alright, lunch is served. We have all white meat chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes, peas and carrots and diced peaches."

Olivia sat the pink plastic plate down in front of her daughter and laid the matching toddler spoon and fork on the table.

"If she does it herself, what do you need me for?"

Just as Casey finished her sentence a spoon full of mashed potatoes hit the side of her face and Savannah giggled. Olivia bit the inside of her cheek to try and keep from laughing.

"Never let your guard down," Olivia said giving her a serious look.

Casey groaned as she picked up the washcloth from the table and wiped the food from her face.

"Alright you," Casey said as Savannah grinned at her. "Come on Savannah, bite," Casey said giving it her best shot with a spoon full of peaches.

"No bite," Savannah said pushing the spoon away causing the food to fall into Casey's lap.

"How come she gets the bib when I am the one wearing all of the food?" Casey asked looking over at Olivia.

"I can get you one if you'd like. Do you want Dora or Disney Princesses?"

"Very funny. Okay, I get it. I suck at this. Can't you give me a task I can actually achieve?"

Olivia walked across the kitchen and pulled something from the refrigerator.

"My secret weapon," she said pushing a bottle of ketchup across the table and giving Casey a wink.

"Ketchup?"

"She hardly eats anything without it."

"Is that really healthy?"

"I don't think it's that bad. And it's better than her not eating anything at all."

"Ketchup it is," Casey said as she drizzled ketchup over the chicken nuggets.

"Casey, everything," Olivia said pointing to the mixed vegetables and mashed potatoes.

"Really?"

"Everything."

"Okay. Let's try this again. Bite?"

Savannah wrinkled up her nose and whined.

"Savannah Brooke, eat," Olivia warned her.

"It's chicken. It's good, see." Savannah watched as Casey picked up a bite of chicken nugget and ate it. "Mmm. Good. Do you want to try?"

Savannah stared at her, then looked over at her mother.

"Bite," she said offering Casey another.

"I had one. Now it's your turn."

Olivia watched as Casey offered the bite to Savannah again.

"Bite," Savannah said as she leaned forward and took the bite from the fork.

"Yeah! Good girl," Casey said clapping her hands.

Savannah smiled and clapped her hands also. After lunch Olivia wiped the ketchup smile off her toddler and tightened her pigtails.

"Savannah, give mommy a kiss."

Casey smiled as Savannah tipped her head back and puckered her little mouth tossing her arms tight around Olivia's neck and kissing her lips.

"You give such good kisses. Can you give aunt Casey a kiss."

"Kiss," Savannah whispered blowing Casey kisses.

"Aww. Thank you, honey."

Olivia gave the baby a cup of Pediasure and they watched as she scampered off to play.

"What was that?" Casey asked.

"A supplement drink. She ate pretty good, but she only actually eats about half of what I put on her plate and it isn't always the healthy stuff. This way I know she gets everything she needs."

"Smart," Casey said brushing the peas and strained peaches off her blouse.

Olivia laughed.

"Come with me," she said leading Casey to the bedroom. "Lets find you something to wear and you can use my bathroom to shower and get cleaned up."

"Thanks," Casey said as Olivia tossed a tee shirt and a pair of jeans onto the bed. "I have peaches in my bra and I didn't even eat anything."

Olivia looked at her as they both laughed.

"I'm gonna put in an Elmo video and try to get her down for a nap. When you're done here I'll fix us some lunch."

"Who's Elmo?"

"Oh, Casey. You still have so much to learn. It wont be long and you will be speaking fluent toddler."

"I don't know how you do this. I mean she is adorable and so smart, but she is endless energy. How do you keep up with her?"

"Being a mommy is kind of like having super powers. At first, you don't know how to use them or exactly what they're for. But as your baby grows, so does your ability to keep up with them. For the most part. I'd better get back in there before she gets into something she isn't supposed to have."

"Never let your guard down," Casey said with a soft laugh.

"Exactly," Olivia replied as she headed into the other room to find her daughter.


	18. 18 Love & Other Things

_Learning To Live With A Broken Heart_

_(Chapter Eighteen: Love & Other Things)_

Elliot sat at one side of the table listening to the romantic piano music being played in the fancy restaurant. He had been planning this romantic evening for weeks now, but this wasn't exactly what he had in mind. Elliot smiled as he stared across the table at the dark haired beauty.

"Bite," Savannah said holding up her fork to him with a piece of meatball on the end of it.

"Thank you honey," Elliot said with a smile leaning forward to take the bite from her fork. "Now you eat," he said kissing the little girl on the top of her head.

"Not exactly what pops into your head when you think romantic dinner, huh?" Olivia asked taking a sip from her glass of red wine.

"It's alright. I was kind of hoping to get a little time alone with you tonight, but this will work too."

"I'm sorry," Olivia said smoothing her hands over her face. "I had a sitter lined up and she got the flu. I called Maureen and she offered to cancel her date tonight to sit with her. I didn't have the heart. Kathleen is studying for a big test and Kathy is working. I even thought about calling Casey, but she just brought the baby home and I know she already had her hands full."

"It's okay," he assured her as he smiled down at the little girl in pigtails sitting beside him. "I'll have to admit this is the first time I have gone on a date with a toddler in tow, but you and Savannah are a package deal. I knew that from the start. I love you, Olivia. And I love her, too. I know she isn't really mine, but I love her just the same."

Olivia smiled.

"She loves you, too."

"_She_?"

Olivia exhaled softly and shifted her eyes to look up at him.

"I love you too El," she said softly as she smiled at him. "I'm just not sure I know how to do this. I have not dated since Trevor. I know without a doubt that I love you. But part of me will always love him, too."

Elliot leaned forward to wipe a tear from her cheek.

"I know that," he said with a smile. "And I can live with that."

"Really?"

"Liv, I hate that you had to lose him. I know how much you loved him and how much it hurt you."

"There were times, when he first died, that I actually wished I had never met him. Just so I wouldn't have had to feel the pain that came with losing him."

"But without him, you never would have had her," Elliot said looking down at Savannah.

Olivia wiped her cheek with the back of her hand.

"She is my world."

"Mine, too. You and her both. And I want to give you both the family you deserve."

"I'm sorry. This was supposed to be a romantic and happy evening and I am ruining it."

"You're not ruining anything. I have an idea. Why don't we cut tonight a little short? We can head back home, tuck her into bed a little early, pop some popcorn and snuggle up together on the sofa and watch a movie together."

"Are you sure? You haven't even finished your steak yet."

"Or we could finish dinner and then watch a movie," Elliot said with a smile.

Olivia laughed.

"Relax," she said softly. "Our romantic dinner alone may have been compromised, but there were a few _other_ things I had planned for later."

"Other things?" Elliot asked leaning forward with a smile.

Olivia leaned forward and kissed him tenderly.

"I love the way your mind works," Elliot whispered.

Just then they heard a giggle and remembered the little girl seated between them.

Olivia laughed again as they turned to look at Savannah.

"Potty," she whispered softly as she squirmed in her seat.

"I'd better take her," Olivia said standing up from the table. "I think she is finally starting to get the hang of this potty training thing. We'll be right back."

"I'll be here," Elliot said with a smile.

Several minutes later Olivia returned with Savannah.

"How'd it go?" Elliot asked.

"False alarm," Olivia informed him. "But it could be worse. She used to wait to say it after she was already wet."

"Speaking of wet," Elliot said noticing the wet spot on the front of Savannah's dress.

"Washing her hands is her favorite part," Olivia said taking another bite of her food.

Elliot smiled.

"I don't think there is a child her age who doesn't like playing in the water. All of my kids went through that."

"I'm sorry. I think I have ruined the romantic mood."

"Lets go home," Elliot said locking his fingers between hers. "You can take a hot bath and relax. I will read Savannah her story and put her to bed. Then we can have a little grown up time. Romance is optional."

Olivia laughed.

"I just wanted this to be perfect. The romantic dinner, a little wine and dancing and maybe this could have been the night. But it seems like life keeps getting in the way."

"Liv, I honestly don't see any problem here. I am the father of five other children. Dating with a toddler may be new to you, but I am kind of a pro."

Olivia smiled.

"You just have to kind of steal little moments when you can. A glass of wine together in the evening, a kiss in the hallway while you're tucking the kids into bed. And if you are not completely exhausted, then you try to slip in a little romance."

"Do you really think that we can do this?"

"I'm willing to try I you are. I want to be serious with you, Liv. I'm not trying to pressure you, Liv. But if things keep going as well as they have been, I could see us…."

Olivia raised her head to stare into his eyes.

"I would love to someday put a ring on your finger and make us all one big family. You know how I feel. I love you and I love Savannah. I know that right now we need to take things one step at a time. And I am perfectly fine with that."

"I love you too, Elliot. I love you with all of my heart. And someday I would love to marry you and start a life together. Right now I would just settle for a little alone time for the chance to even get romantic. I sort of have my hands full," she said looking over at Savannah who sat playing with her fork and plate of spaghetti noodles.

"Why don't we just call tonight a family night? And tomorrow, I'll keep Savannah. I want you to spend the afternoon unwinding. A spa day, maybe some little retail therapy. I'll will occupy her and make you the most romantic dinner you have ever had in your life. I'll give her a bubble bath and put her to bed a little early," he said with a wink. "We can open a bottle of wine and just enjoy the evening together. You have been pretty stressed out lately, maybe you need a little alone time to relax."

"Elliot, I don't expect you to baby sit so I can spend the day alone."

"Maybe Savannah and I want to spend the day alone. I have been wanting to take her to the zoo and the children's museum. We can spend the day together. She can even help me make dinner for mommy."

Olivia smiled.

"What are you up the two of you up to?"

"You'll just have to wait and see," Elliot said with a smile.

"And what if I want to go to the zoo?"

"Can't," he said shaking his head, "you're not invited. Tomorrow is daddy and Savannah's day."

"You are awfully chipper about baby sitting."

"You need a break. And it has been a while since I got to spend time alone with her. We could just go to the museum and maybe save the zoo trip for a family outing," he said leaning forward to kiss her. "That way mommy can go, too."

Olivia smiled.

"So, tomorrow night is for us. And we could visit the zoo on Sunday?"

"That sounds like a plan," Elliot said with a smile. "Let's get you home baby girl," he said picking Savannah up and wiping her marinara covered mouth with his napkin. "Can I have a kiss?" he asked the little girl.

"Dadda kiss," Savannah said softly as she placed a little hand on each side of his face and pressed her mouth to his.

"You give the best kisses, angel."

Elliot picked Savannah up and she laid her head against his shoulder.

"She is tired. She's had a long day."

"We'll take her home and get her in her pajamas. Dadda will get her a sippy cup of water and read her a bedtime story and she will be out in no time."

Olivia smiled.

"You are so amazing with her."

"I love her. And I love you."

"I love you, too. And I promise you, that tomorrow night…."she paused as she slipped on arm over his free shoulder and leaned in to whisper against his ear, "I will show you exactly how much."

Elliot smiled as she laughed playfully and kissed him.

"I can't wait," Elliot said as he kissed her hand and lead her out to the car.


	19. 19 Worth The Wait

_**Learning To Love With A Broken Heart**_

_**(Chapter Nineteen: Worth The Wait)**_

**Elliot carried Savannah into the apartment on his shoulders.**

"**There's my girl," Olivia said with a smile opening her arms as Savannah reached for her.**

"**Maa," Savannah squealed as she threw her arms around her mother's neck. "See," she said holding up a little doll with brunette hair and dark eyes.**

"**I see. Did daddy get you a new baby?"**

"**My baby," she said with a smile as she hugged the doll.**

"**Did you guys have fun today at the museum?"**

"**We did," Elliot replied as he carried a small plastic bag over and sat it on the sofa. "She had a blast. They have an entire section for small children and all of the exhibits are interactive. Then we went to the petting zoo and she got to ride a pony," Elliot said handing Olivia a picture of Savannah on a black and white pony.**

"**You did? That sounds like fun," Olivia said smiling at the photograph as she hung it on the refrigerator. **

"**Then we went to the library for story time and got some new books. And I took her by the toy store, where we found the doll."**

"**Well, it was sweet of you to get it for her El, but she has way too many toys already."**

"**I couldn't pass it up, Liv. The dolls name is Savannah, too. And it kind of looks like her."**

"**Kind of," Olivia said with a smile tipping her head to look into the doll's chocolate colored eyes, "especially the little freckles. But you spoil her."**

"**That's my job."**

"**Well, I am glad the two of you had fun. Are you hungry?" she asked rubbing her nose against her daughters.**

"**She had a hot dog and some French fries about an hour ago."**

"**And she ate them?"**

"**She ate really good."**

"**Why doesn't mommy give you a bubble bath and get you in your pajamas, then maybe we can get you a snack before bed?"**

**Olivia picked her daughter up and headed for the bathroom.**

"**My baby," Savannah said pointing to the place in the floor where she dropped the doll.**

"**Yes dear, your baby can take a bath, too."**

**Olivia picked the doll up and handed it back to Savannah. She carried the little girl down the hall to her bedroom and picked out a fuzzy pink sleeper with feet in it. She moved into the bathroom and started a bubble bath for Savannah. **

**Olivia sat in the floor beside the bath tub and watched as Savannah laughed and splashed in the water. She played with her bath toys and her new baby doll as Olivia washed her hair. **

**After her bath Olivia blow dried her hair and fixed her baby's hair, too. Then Olivia carried her daughter into the kitchen for a snack. She sat Savannah down in her booster seat at the dining room table where Elliot sat eating Oreo cookies. Savannah smiled as Elliot handed her a few cookies and her own coffee mug of milk.**

**Olivia stood quietly across the room and watched as Savannah studied each move Elliot made and mocked it. Within minutes she had figured out how to twist the cookie apart to eat the cream center, then she put the two halves back together and held the cookie under her milk until it was soft. Olivia laughed softly as Savannah stuffed her moth full of mushy chocolate cookie and smiled at her father.**

"**Good, right?" Elliot asked the toddler. "She is so smart. And she likes Oreos."**

"**Of course she does. If daddy likes it, she likes it. Just a couple more, though. I don't want her to have too many sweets just before bedtime."**

"**Just a couple more mommy," Elliot said sliding two more cookies across the table to Savannah and closing the package.**

**Savannah grinned as she held a cookie in each hand and this time put her entire fist into the cup, causing the milk to over flow onto the table.**

"**Uhh oh," she said softly looking back at Elliot.**

"**It's alright," he said wiping up the mess with a paper towel.**

"**Daddy bite," she said raising her hand full of milk soaked chocolate cookie to his lips.**

**Elliot tried to stop her, but before he could protest she had pushed it into his mouth.**

"**Good," she cooed with a big smile.**

"**Mmmm. Good," Elliot replied as Savannah giggled. "Cookie," he said holding up another cookie.**

"**Cookie," she repeated opening her palm to show him the other one.**

"**You eat the cookie, baby. Daddy already has one."**

**Savannah closed her fist around the cookie and reached to put her hand in the milk once more.**

"**Like this honey," Elliot said opening her palm and placing the cookie between her little fingers as he showed her the correct way to dunk the cookie. **

**When Elliot and Savannah had finished eating their cookies, he picked her up and wiped the chocolate cookie from her little face. **

"**Why don't you come with mommy?" Olivia asked as she picked up the toddler in and took her in to brushed her teeth.**

"**Now off to bed with you," Olivia said as Savannah giggled and ran off into the other room. "Wrong way squirt," she said stepping around the corner to see that Savannah had ran in and climbed up onto the sofa with Elliot. "Tell daddy goodnight," Olivia said as Savannah stood up to press her little mouth to his.**

"**Come on," she said reaching for Savannah."**

"**No mama," she whined softly. "Daddy book."**

"**Daddy book?" Elliot repeated. "You want daddy to read you a story?"**

**Elliot pressed his forehead to hers and stared into her pretty brown eyes as the little girl smiled back at him.**

"**Daddy book," she repeated.**

"**Alright kid," he said hugging her tight. **

**Elliot put Savannah down and held her hand as she lead him down the hallway and into her bedroom. He sat in the rocking chair as she climbed into his lap with her little doll in tow. Elliot picked up one of the new books he had bough her and began to read her a bedtime story.**

"**I told you that you have her spoiled," Olivia said kneeling beside Savannah's toddler bed as she tucked the purple butterfly blanket around her daughter.**

"**She's daddy's girl."**

"**I remember when she used to be my girl."**

"**She is still your girl, mommy. She just loves daddy, too."**

"**I'm just really thankful that she has someone like you in her life to be a daddy. She adores you and she needs you. I love watching these little moments the two of you share together."**

"**Like Oreo cookies before bed?"**

"**Yes," she laughed, "but from now on I think we should probably not give her sugar this close to bed time."**

"**Relax. She's asleep, isn't she? Now I have mommy all to myself."**

"**Mommy has been waiting all day for this," Olivia replied wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him tenderly.**

"**I have been waiting for that, too. Are you hungry? I could cook something for you."**

"**I could eat."**

"**Yeah? I had planned to cook dinner for you, but I got a little carried away while I was out with Savannah and time just got away from us."**

"**I'm glad the two of you had fun," Olivia said as she followed him into the kitchen.**

"**We had a lot of fun. How was your day, mommy?"**

"**Good," she said as she climbed up to the bar to watch him as he started their late dinner. "Thanks to you and your pancake breakfast with Savannah this morning, I got to sleep in. That was amazing! I didn't realize how much I missed that until I woke up around ten o'clock this morning. That is probably the only time I have been able to sleep in since I had her," she laughed.**

"**How does chicken and rice sound?" Elliot said looking through the refrigerator.**

"**That sounds good."**

"**Tell me more about your day," he said leaning over the counter to steal a kiss.**

**Olivia smiled.**

"**I went to the salon and got my hair and nails done. Then I had lunch with Casey and baby Emma. She is so cute."**

"**How are they doing?"**

"**Good. Casey said Emma still keeps her up all night, but she is barely a month old, so that's normal. After lunch we did a little shopping and I bought our little princess some more clothes. And I went a head and picked up a few gifts for her birthday party."**

"**Her birthday isn't until December, Liv."**

"**I know, but I found some things I really wanted to get for her and they were on sale now. So I figured I would just put them up for her birthday. It actually kind of saves some money to do it that way and shop all year round. Otherwise I am holiday shopping for Christmas and her birthday, and that is a nightmare. Casey and I found this new boutique downtown just for little girls. They have the most adorable clothes. Casey needed some things for the baby and I got a few things for my baby as well. Casey's mother took Emma for a couple of hours in the afternoon and we went and got a massage, then we caught a movie and I came home. It was a busy, but relaxing day."**

"**I'm glad you enjoyed it."**

"**I did. Although, spending all of that time with Casey and her daughter really made me miss mine. But it was nice to have a toddler free day and I really appreciate that you did this for me."**

"**I'll let you in on a little secret," Elliot said as he poured her a glass of wine. "I did do it a little for you," he said handing her the glass, "but I did it mostly for me. I realized that Savannah and I don't really get to spend much daddy-daughter time alone together and before long I will have to beg her to hang out with me. I missed her, too. And I figured it would give you a much deserved day off."**

"**So I guess this worked out well for everybody," Olivia said kissing him again.**

**They talked and enjoyed a couple of glasses of wine while Elliot cooked dinner. He set the table and lit a couple of candles and they enjoyed a nice quiet meal together. **

"**So what do you have planned for tomorrow night?" he asked as she took another sip of her wine.**

"**Nothing that I can think of. Why?"**

"**Because, I got theatre tickets and a babysitter lined up. I thought I could take you out for a real romantic dinner and a night on the town."**

**Olivia smiled.**

"**I would love to. But to be completely honest, I was kind of hoping we could….you know….get a little romantic tonight."**

"**Is there some rule that says we can both nights?"**

**Olivia laughed.**

"**I really want to be with you, El. I think we have waited plenty long enough and I have never been more sure of anyone or anything in my life. I love you," she said as she stood and wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. "And I want tonight to be our night."**

**Elliot smiled.**

"**So do I," Elliot said softly as their kisses grew more passionate.**

"**Good, because I bought a few things for myself while I was shopping as well. Well, I guess they are kind of for you."**

"**That sounds like my kind of shopping trip," Elliot joked.**

**He kissed her with strong and passionate kisses. Olivia sighed at the gentle brush of his hand against the side of her neck. It had been so long since she felt the lust in the heat of a lover's touch. **

**Within moments they were kissing and touching as they backed their way down the hall and into Olivia's bedroom. Elliot laid her back across the bed and they fumbled to undress each other. It was all happening so quickly, but it was sexy, it was intense and it was perfect.**

**Olivia opened her eyes to stare into his as Elliot raised up and entered her body. She closed her eyes tight for a moment to get used to the feeling of a man again. But this wasn't just any man, this was Elliot. And he was soft and strong and rough and gentle and patient and so amazing with her. **

"**Are you alright?" he whispered with a smile.**

"**I'm okay," she replied smiling back at him. "It has been a really long time since I have done this. I'm not even sure I'll be good at it."**

**Elliot laughed a soft laugh and kissed her again.**

"**You're doing just fine," he said as he kissed her again.**

**It had been over two years since Olivia had made love. But as Elliot touched her and moved with her and inside of her, she quickly remembered exactly how much fun it could be. **

**Olivia moaned softly as he touched her in just the right place. Elliot held her and touched her and kissed her just right. He made her feel as if she were the only woman in the world. It was unplanned and romantic and amazing and the perfect first time together.**

**When they had finished, Olivia laid still in his arms with her head on his chest. **

"**Are you alright?" he whispered as he kissed the top of her head.**

"**I have never been better in my life," Olivia replied raising her head to stare into his eyes. "We're pretty good together, huh?"**

**Elliot smiled.**

"**Incredible. But there was never a doubt in my mind that it would be."**

"**You can tell me if it was awful. I am a little out of practice. I think the last time I had sex I got pregnant. Don't worry though, I'm on birth control."**

**Elliot smiled again.**

"**I'm not worried. I'm happy, but I'm not worried. What about you?"**

"**I am definitely happy. I bought lingerie, just for this occasion. But I guess when it came down to it, that thought completely slipped my mind."**

"**Don't worry about it. You can just save it for another night," Elliot said softly as Olivia laughed a little. **

"**I guess you're right. I just wanted things to be perfect, you know?"**

"**I think they were. I thought everything about tonight was perfect."**

"**I kind of knew that this would eventually happen, so I decided to go ahead and get on the pill. I wanted this to be more about you and I and us being together and not about worrying about an unplanned pregnancy."**

"**You don't want anymore kids?"**

"**Well," she said as she rolled over beside him in the bed, "someday. Maybe one more. But I want to wait until we are ready."**

"**We?" Elliot asked with a smile.**

**Olivia stared at him for a moment.**

"**Well, myself and who ever I am with."**

**Elliot laughed.**

"**Relax, I was just joking with you."**

"**So you want more kids?"**

"**That all depends who I am with."**

**He could tell that Olivia was feeling a bit awkward.**

"**With you?" Elliot continued, "I would love to have another baby. Not right away, of course. But down to road. And I fully agree we should plan it."**

**Olivia laughed.**

"**This is an awful lot of pressure for one night," she said softly. "We make love and then spend the rest of the night planning out if and when we will begin trying to conceive our next child." **

"**I love you, Liv. I have loved you for as long as I can remember."**

"**I love you, too."**

"**Then I don't see anything wrong with talking about our future together. We're not rushing into anything, just discussing our lives and making plans for the future."**

"**And what exactly do you see in our future? I mean besides the kids."**

"**I could see us married, someday. No rush. And family gatherings with all of our children."**

**Olivia smiled.**

"**We would have one or two more," he added. "And years from now, when we are old and retired, I can see us surrounded by all of our grandchildren."**

"**It's a nice thought."**

"**I think so," he said kissing her tenderly.**

"**But for now, I think maybe we should just get some sleep. Because the baby we have asleep down the hall, will be waking up in about four and a half hours and wanting daddy to watch cartoons with her."**

"**I have the best life," Elliot said as Olivia raised up to kiss him goodnight.**

"**Good night, El."**

"**Goodnight. I love you, baby."**

**Olivia smiled.**

"**I love you too," she whispered softly as she settled in against him for the night. **

**The next evening Elliot had made big plans for a couples night alone. He straightened his tie and made his way down the hall to find Olivia. He stood in the doorway for a moment and watched her as she checked up on Savannah.**

"**We're gonna be late," Elliot whispered from behind her.**

**Olivia turned to look at him and smiled.**

"**You sure clean up nice," she said softly as she looked back at the sleeping child.**

"**She'll be fine, mommy. Maureen has babysat before."**

"**I know. I just can't believe how big she is getting. It seems like only yesterday we were bringing her home from the hospital."**

"**And sharing that first Christmas in your apartment in front of that tiny tree I had to beg you to let me put up."**

"**It was hard to celebrate, El. I didn't think I had much worth celebrating. Little did I know my entire world was about to change for the better. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Well, one of the two," she said as she stood beside him.**

**Olivia turned to leave the room as she looked back at Elliot behind her.**

"**I thought we were going to be late?" she asked with a smile as she watched Elliot lean down and kiss Savannah's forehead as she slept.**

"**You didn't think I would leave without telling my little princess goodnight, did you?"**

**Olivia laughed as they made their way back down the hall.**

"**We shouldn't be too late honey," she told Maureen.**

"**We'll be late, really late," Elliot joked.**

"**Don't worry about it," Maureen said picking up the remote control to the television. "There are about a dozen movies on here I haven't seen yet and I have a paper to write for Biology tomorrow. I am sure I can occupy myself."**

"**If you get tired just crash in the spare room tonight. Dear old dad will make you some coffee and breakfast before class in the morning."**

"**Tomorrow is Saturday," Olivia suddenly realized. "Who has a Biology class on a Saturday?"**

"**My smart kid! That's who," Elliot bragged.**

"**Dad, I'm not that smart."**

"**I thought you said it was an honors class?"**

"**It is. I am trying to cut my time at Hudson down a bit so that I can start med school a semester early. So I took an honors Biology class on Saturdays and a few classes online as well."**

"**You're right, El. She is a smart kid."**

**Maureen smiled and laughed.**

"**Thanks guys. But I have to be in class at ten in the morning."**

"**You want me to wake you up around eight?"**

"**I'll set the alarm on my phone, just in case." **

"**Goodnight sweetheart," Elliot said kissing his oldest daughter.**

"**She should be out for the night. But we both have our phones should there be any trouble," Olivia informed her. "Goodnight, honey."**

"**Goodnight Liv," Maureen said hugging her tight. "Don't worry about a thing, we will be fine."**

"**Now, we really have to go or we're going to be late. Dinner we can push back a little, but I've got theatre tickets and they won't hold the show." **

"**Alright," Olivia agreed slipping into her coat as Elliot held it up for her. **

"**We're already late," Elliot said as he closed her car door behind her. "We could go to the show and then have dinner," he suggested looking at his watch. **

"**That sounds good, too."**

"**We have time to grab a drink. I'm starving."**

"**There are some animal crackers and a juice box in the center consol," she replied as she checked her makeup. "To help hold you over until dinner."**

"**Animal crackers and a juice box?" Elliot asked raising and eyebrow as she stared at her.**

**Olivia opened the console and pulled them out. She opened the little bag of animal crackers and handed him a few.**

"**Don't look at me like that. I have a toddler, you never know when juice and a snack might come in handy."**

"**Very true."**

**Olivia unwrapped the straw and put it into the little box of juice with the cartoon characters on the front.**

"**Want a drink?"**

"**What kind is it?"**

**Olivia smiled.**

"**It's apple juice."**

"**Ooh, apple is my favorite."**

"**It's Savannah's favorite, too."**

**Olivia slid closer to him as they shared a bag of animal crackers and a juice box on the way to the theatre. After the show Elliot took them to dinner in a fancy restaurant with a little wine and dancing. **

"**It is nice to have a little grown up time now and then, isn't it?"**

"**It is," Olivia agreed. "And this has been quite the romantic evening," she said twisting his tie in her fingers.**

**Elliot kissed her tenderly.**

"**I'm glad that you are having a good time."**

"**I'm having a great time."**

"**We might finally get that romantic evening we had been trying to pencil in for the last several months."**

"**Last night was pretty romantic."**

"**Last night was perfect. But tonight, I have been planning for weeks."**

"**I have had a really great time tonight. But I was thinking maybe we could head back home soon."**

"**You're tired?"**

"**You could say that," she said with a smile.**

"**Ahh."**

**Olivia laughed.**

"**Let's get you home then," Elliot replied pulling his keys from his pocket and kissing her again.**

**On the way home Olivia sat slid all the way over next to him with her head on his shoulder. Elliot held her hand tight in his as they listened to romantic music on a soft rock radio station.**

**At home he checked all of the doors and windows to make sure the apartment was locked up tight. He checked on both of the girls, now sleeping soundly in their beds, then he headed down the hall to Olivia's bedroom.**

**There he found her wearing a long black satin gown. The slit in the side came all the way up to her thigh and showed just a peek of the lacy black underwear she wore underneath.**

"**I had planned to wear this last night," she said pushing a long black robe from her shoulders into the floor.**

"**That's nice," was all he could manage to say.**

**Olivia smiled as he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her as they began to kiss. Elliot turned and dropped her against the bed as Olivia laughed. He lowered himself beside her on the bed and began to kiss the side of her neck.**

"**You still want to do this with the kids down the hall?"**

**Elliot blinked for a moment as he thought about her words.**

"**I do. You don't?"**

"**No, I do. But what if they hear us?"**

"**Liv, Savannah was sleeping in that same bed last night when were in bed together."**

"**Savannah would sleep through a hurricane. And she wouldn't know what was going on if she did see anything. It isn't Savannah I am worried about."**

"**Maureen?"**

"**Yes, Maureen."**

"**She's asleep. I just checked on them both."**

"**She could wake up." **

"**What if I turn on the TV? Then if she does wake up and hear noise it isn't us she hears."**

"**I guess that will work," she said as he pointed the remote behind him and turned the television on. "Better?"**

**Olivia smiled and kissed him as he slipped his hand up under her skirt.**

"**We will just have to try and keep it quiet," Elliot said softly as he kissed her again.**

"**I'll try," she said with a smile. "Did you…."**

"**I checked the apartment over and I even locked the bedroom door. It is just you and I tonight."**

"**Good," she laughed playfully as she pulled him closer to her. "because I want you all to myself."**

**Olivia laughed again as Elliot pulled the blankets over their heads. **


End file.
